frontlines So Long, Earth! W e made it! Thank God, it turns out the Mayan calendar was wrong and the world didn't end Back to on Dec. 21. While I knew nothing was going to the 150,000 happen, that didn't stop me on Dec. 20 from using up all passengers. of my Forever Stamps. Now we wait for the next cataclys- The National mic event, which will be when hell freezes over after the Geographic show Lions win a Super Bowl. explained that the To commemorate "Doomsday," the National Geographic space passenger manifest cable channel aired a fabulous special titled Evacuate will be diverse so that our Earth. The part-documentary, part-sci-fi thriller "explored new home planet will emulate the technologies we would devise to carry as the worldwide cultures many humans as possible to safety" prior to our and religions of present- planet colliding with a neutron star. The program day Earth. What a brilliant chronicles the construction of a giant spacecraft idea! I mean we all get along so well as it is, that would accommodate 150,000 people, most why not duplicate that track record on a brand of whom would pass away during the estimated spankin' new planet? Besides, it wouldn't be fair to century-long trip to the closest solar system with pick just one group of people to evacuate Earth; a an inhabitable planet. "Chosen People," if you will. Shhh, keep that idea That, of course, means a new generation of under your hat until I work out all the details. humans would have to be conceived during the (Insert sly laugh here). flight to populate our new home planet, which will So, in the event Earth is obliterated by a neu- Alan easily break the Guinness Book of World Records tron star in the near future, I hope, God willing, Muskovitz for the most "Mile High Club" members. How you and I will be among the lucky 150,000 to be Jewish News quickly and how many new humans will be born? onboard the evacuating spaceship. Fast forward Columnist That will depend on how many couples could and imagine the unimaginable, as we arrive at rendezvous while floating "weightless." our new home planet, guaranteed to be the most More questions. What happens to the several billion dramatic space arrival since Neil Armstrong's moon landing. earthlings not picked for this flight? If you thought being And then, picture that moment of unbridled exhilaration on stand-by at the airport was already fraught with anxiety, as the door to our space capsule slowly opens as we former just wait. With my luck, I'd get the only seat on the spaceship Earthlings, for the very first time, lay our eyes upon a ... next to the one crying baby. How many of my Visa Flex-Perk Starbucks?! Are you kidding me?! There's a Starbucks here Miles will I need to cover a multi-light-year trip? Will my already?! iPad work during inter-stellar travel? Oh, and let me be clear, Happy, healthy New Year and Peace on Earth(s). if all I get on this multi-trillion-mile trip is a free bag of pret- zels and a half can of Diet Coke, then you can just drop me Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/acting talent, speaker and off on Uranus, thank you. emcee. Visit his website at laughwithbigal.com . ❑ JN CONTENTS neJEWISHNEWS.001 Jan. 3-9, 2013 I 21-27 Tevet 5773 I Vol. CXLII, No. 22 At a time when many of his friends are settling in the suburbs, Leor Barak is unabashedly pro-Detroit. As a lawyer, business student and president of the Isaac Agree Downtown Synagogue, Leor is helping to grow a hub of Jewish life in the city. It was no surprise he also wanted to move into Detroit to live. "I work downtown, I go to cultural shows and clubs, I spend all my time here," said Leor, "so living here is a combination of both idealism and convenience. I'm very lucky. I have a great house in West Village, friendly neighbors, easy access to stores, restaurants and whatever I need. All the landmarks people think about when they visualize Detroit, like Belle Isle and the riverfront, are right there." The problem came in when Leor's roof began to leak. "Every time it rained, I cringed," he said. "The total cost of replacing the roof wasn't something I just had lying around handy, and I went to Hebrew Free Loan for help with some of the expense. It worked out well, because we also made the house more energy efficient." Leor lives in Detroit because it has everything he needs, including some- thing intangible. "I'm just glad to be part of positive change in Detroit," he said. "There's an energy here. If we continue reinvesting in ourselves and our community, we can keep it going." Click. Call. Give Now. www.hfldetroit.org 248.723.8184 Around Town Arts/Entertainment Calendar Food Here's To Israel Letters Life Cycles Marketplace Metro Next Generation 18 27 20 30 9 5, 22 5 33 36 8 21 Obituaries Points Of View Sports Staff Box/Phone List Synagogue List That's Life Torah Portion 40 22 26 6 24 14 23 Shabbat: Friday, Jan. 4, 4:55 p.m. Shabbat Ends: Saturday, Jan. 5, 6:02 p.m. Shabbat: Friday, Jan. 11, 5:02 p.m. Shabbat Ends: Saturday, Jan.12, 6:09 p.m. Times are according to the Yeshiva Beth Yehudah calendar. Columnist Danny Raskin Shabbat Lights 32 Health. A fresh start. A good education. The next great business idea. Hebrew Free Loan gives interest- free loans to members of our community for a variety of personal and small business needs. HFL loans are funded entirely through community donations which continually recycle to others, generating many times the original value to help maintain the lives of local Jews. 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