100%

Scanned image of the page. Keyboard directions: use + to zoom in, - to zoom out, arrow keys to pan inside the viewer.

Page Options

Share

Something wrong?

Something wrong with this page? Report problem.

Rights / Permissions

The University of Michigan Library provides access to these materials for educational and research purposes. These materials may be under copyright. If you decide to use any of these materials, you are responsible for making your own legal assessment and securing any necessary permission. If you have questions about the collection, please contact the Bentley Historical Library at bentley.ref@umich.edu

January 03, 2013 - Image 3

Resource type:
Text
Publication:
The Detroit Jewish News, 2013-01-03

Disclaimer: Computer generated plain text may have errors. Read more about this.

frontlines

So Long, Earth!

W

e made it! Thank God, it turns out the Mayan
calendar was wrong and the world didn't end
Back to
on Dec. 21. While I knew nothing was going to the 150,000
happen, that didn't stop me on Dec. 20 from using up all
passengers.
of my Forever Stamps. Now we wait for the next cataclys-
The National
mic event, which will be when hell freezes over after the
Geographic show
Lions win a Super Bowl.
explained that the
To commemorate "Doomsday," the National Geographic
space passenger manifest
cable channel aired a fabulous special titled Evacuate
will be diverse so that our
Earth. The part-documentary, part-sci-fi thriller "explored
new home planet will emulate
the technologies we would devise to carry as
the worldwide cultures
many humans as possible to safety" prior to our
and religions of present-
planet colliding with a neutron star. The program
day Earth. What a brilliant
chronicles the construction of a giant spacecraft
idea! I mean we all get along so well as it is,
that would accommodate 150,000 people, most
why not duplicate that track record on a brand
of whom would pass away during the estimated
spankin' new planet? Besides, it wouldn't be fair to
century-long trip to the closest solar system with
pick just one group of people to evacuate Earth; a
an inhabitable planet.
"Chosen People," if you will. Shhh, keep that idea
That, of course, means a new generation of
under your hat until I work out all the details.
humans would have to be conceived during the
(Insert sly laugh here).
flight to populate our new home planet, which will
So, in the event Earth is obliterated by a neu-
Alan
easily break the Guinness Book of World Records
tron star in the near future, I hope, God willing,
Muskovitz
for the most "Mile High Club" members. How
you and I will be among the lucky 150,000 to be
Jewish News
quickly and how many new humans will be born?
onboard the evacuating spaceship. Fast forward
Columnist
That will depend on how many couples could
and imagine the unimaginable, as we arrive at
rendezvous while floating "weightless."
our new home planet, guaranteed to be the most
More questions. What happens to the several billion
dramatic space arrival since Neil Armstrong's moon landing.
earthlings not picked for this flight? If you thought being
And then, picture that moment of unbridled exhilaration
on stand-by at the airport was already fraught with anxiety,
as the door to our space capsule slowly opens as we former
just wait. With my luck, I'd get the only seat on the spaceship
Earthlings, for the very first time, lay our eyes upon a ...
next to the one crying baby. How many of my Visa Flex-Perk
Starbucks?! Are you kidding me?! There's a Starbucks here
Miles will I need to cover a multi-light-year trip? Will my
already?!
iPad work during inter-stellar travel? Oh, and let me be clear,
Happy, healthy New Year and Peace on Earth(s).
if all I get on this multi-trillion-mile trip is a free bag of pret-
zels and a half can of Diet Coke, then you can just drop me
Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/acting talent, speaker and
off on Uranus, thank you.
emcee. Visit his website at laughwithbigal.com .



JN CONTENTS

neJEWISHNEWS.001

Jan. 3-9, 2013 I 21-27 Tevet 5773 I Vol. CXLII, No. 22

At a time when many of his friends are

settling in the suburbs, Leor Barak is
unabashedly pro-Detroit. As a lawyer,
business student and president of the
Isaac Agree Downtown Synagogue,
Leor is helping to grow a hub of Jewish
life in the city. It was no surprise he also
wanted to move into Detroit to live.
"I work downtown, I go to cultural
shows and clubs, I spend all my time
here," said Leor, "so living here is a
combination of both idealism and
convenience. I'm very lucky. I have a
great house in West Village, friendly
neighbors, easy access to stores,
restaurants and whatever I need. All
the landmarks people think about
when they visualize Detroit, like Belle
Isle and the riverfront, are right there."
The problem came in when Leor's
roof began to leak. "Every time it
rained, I cringed," he said. "The total
cost of replacing the roof wasn't
something I just had lying around
handy, and I went to Hebrew Free Loan
for help with some of the expense. It
worked out well, because we also
made the house more energy efficient."
Leor lives in Detroit because it has
everything he needs, including some-
thing intangible. "I'm just glad to be
part of positive change in Detroit," he
said. "There's an energy here. If we
continue reinvesting in ourselves and
our community, we can keep it going."

Click. Call. Give Now.
www.hfldetroit.org
248.723.8184

Around Town
Arts/Entertainment
Calendar
Food
Here's To
Israel
Letters
Life Cycles
Marketplace
Metro
Next Generation

18
27
20
30
9
5, 22
5
33
36
8
21

Obituaries
Points Of View
Sports
Staff Box/Phone List
Synagogue List
That's Life
Torah Portion

40
22
26
6
24
14
23

Shabbat: Friday, Jan. 4, 4:55 p.m.
Shabbat Ends: Saturday, Jan. 5, 6:02 p.m.

Shabbat: Friday, Jan. 11, 5:02 p.m.
Shabbat Ends: Saturday, Jan.12, 6:09 p.m.

Times are according to the Yeshiva Beth
Yehudah calendar.

Columnist

Danny Raskin

Shabbat Lights

32

Health. A fresh start.
A good education.
The next great business idea.

Hebrew Free Loan gives interest-
free loans to members of our
community for a variety of
personal and small business
needs. HFL loans are funded
entirely through community
donations which continually
recycle to others, generating
many times the original value
to help maintain the lives of
local Jews.

HEBREW

On The Cover:

Page design, Michelle Sheridan

Our JN Mission

The Jewish News aspires to communicate news and opinion that's useful, engaging, enjoyable and unique. It strives to
reflect the full range of diverse viewpoints while also advocating positions that strengthen Jewish unity and continu-
ity. We desire to create and maintain a challenging, caring, enjoyable work environment that encourages creativity
and innovation. We acknowledge our role as a responsible, responsive member of the community. Being competi-
tive, we must always strive to be the most respected, outstanding Jewish community publication in the nation. Our
rewards are informed, educated readers, very satisfied advertisers, contented employees and profitable growth.

The Detroit Jewish News (USPS 275-520) is
published every Thursday at 29200 Northwestern
Highway, #110, Southfield, Michigan. Periodical
postage paid at Southfield, Michigan, and
additional mailing offices. Postmaster: send changes
to: Detroit Jewish News, 29200 Northwestern
Highway, #110, Southfield, MI 48034.

FREE*LOAN

hfldetroit.org

We Provide Loans. We Promise Dignity.

6735 Telegraph Road, Suite 300 • Bloomfield Hills, MI 48301

Detroit
G Hebrew Free Loan Jewish

JN

@HFLDetroit

January 3 • 2013

3

Back to Top

© 2024 Regents of the University of Michigan