metro >> on the cover
TheMissing
Generation
Navigating the dating world after 40.
Karen Schultz Tarnopol I Special to the Jewish News
CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1
does exist for children, teens, younger
adults and seniors, but not for that mid-
dle generation.
"In the past, the JCC would have
three major social events a year, but they
don't have them anymore:' says Paul
Bensman, 52, of Farmington Hills. He's
been single for 12 years and has a son,
Ian, 22. "We need more social opportu-
nities and places for singles in this age
range to meet. People are searching for
it, and there is a real void in the market-
place:'
Adam Gottlieb, 50, of Farmington
Hills, is single and trying to fill the
void. He's president of the Jewish Event
Network (JEN). "There are no other
programs for the over-40 crowd," he
says, referring to JEN. "Most of the
social groups in Detroit are focused on a
younger demographic:'
So why did the programming stop for
this generation?
"It's just too difficult" was the most
frequent response given when represen-
tatives of local Jewish institutions were
asked.
Temple Israel in West Bloomfield did
hold a focus group of an equal number
of men and women to brainstorm ideas
that the group thought would make for
good social activities to draw singles in
this age bracket.
"We had many events over the past
few years, including those ideas that
came from our focus group, and the
turnout was consistently unbalanced
with far more women than men," says
Rabbi Marla Hornsten of Temple Israel.
The synagogue planned several events,
including a wine tasting, bowling, a pic-
nic, a Chanukah party, speed dating and
square dancing, and had similar turn-
outs with the female ratio greatly out-
weighing the male ratio. "After the wine
tasting, the women commented that it
was a great event, but that it was more
like a girl's night out," Hornsten says.
Temple Israel had to cancel many pro-
grams because of lack of involvement of
8
December 20 • 2012
Jr
Denise Goodwin
Adam Gottlieb
Paul Bensman
"If you really want to find someone, you have to
be willing to put yourself out there, and never
turn down a social opportunity."
men, so they began focusing instead on
subject-specific events that both couples
and singles could attend, such as vol-
unteer opportunities and wine making
with the rabbis before Passover. At these
events, opportunities existed to not only
meet singles, but also to potentially be
fixed up by a couple.
"We would love to be able to provide
the programming for this generation if
we knew what would work or if some-
body in the community would be inter-
ested in creating a plan," Hornsten adds.
How To Connect?
With little social programming, how do
singles meet?
Single Gary Schwartz recommends
meeting people through friends, dating
websites or at a gym, although he does
meet people when he is just out and
about.
When Margo Grossman found herself
newly single, she and her friends used to
brainstorm ideas where to meet people.
She ended up meeting people at yoga,
Pilates, online, through friends and at
different social occasions, but ultimately
found love after being fixed up.
Margo, 47, and David Grossman, 50,
of Franklin, have been blissfully married
for three years. She was previously mar-
ried for 14 years and has two daughters,
Jessica, 19, and Amanda, 16. He was
married for 12 years and has a daugh-
ter, Sari, 15. The couple owns Pegasus
Entertainment.
"Never turn down a fix up because
you never know when you will meet the
one that is the right person for you,"
Margo recommends. "If you really want
to find someone, you have to be willing
to put yourself out there, and never turn
down a social opportunity:'
She had been dating someone for
seven months and was in the midst of a
breakup. While talking to a co-worker in
the hallway about her breakup, her boss
at that time overheard her and said, "I
have a great guy for you:'
Margo and David feel very fortunate
to have found each other, so much so
that they hosted a singles party at their
home as a way to pay it forward.
"The point of a partnership is to make
each other better and to support each
other;' David said.
"A lot of the couples that I marry have
met by being fixed up," Hornsten says.
"It's important that the people who are
fixing you up know you well as well as
the person they are fixing you up with:'
JEN has been hosting social events for
the past four years and is a social group
of age 40+ singles and couples that get
together for various events.
Jewish Mingles, which is exclusively
single people, tends to be more intimate
small groups. Both groups host events
such as dinners, parties, comedy shows,
movies and other happenings around
town. JEN is in the process of planning
a whole calendar of events for 2013,
including an opportunity to cook a meal
with a chef and 23 others, and then sub-
sequently enjoy the meal together.
Nosh and Network, a division of JEN,
is a networking opportunity with a
social twist. The group will shmooze for
an hour, then each person introduces
themselves (similar to a business net-
working group), and then there's more
shmoozing afterwards. (Find all three at
www.jewishonline.corn or email info@
jendetroit.com.)
In an attempt to bridge the gap, Paul
Bensman started a Facebook event on
Sunday evenings called Sunday Night
Singles. It starts at 9 p.m., and anybody
who wishes to participate in the discus-
sion can simply "friend" Paul Bensman
and join into the conversation.
On Dec. 9, the third week of the event,
240 comments were made by both
singles and married people. Topics have
included kissing on the first date, will
women reach out to a man after a nice
date, how long do you wait to introduce
your children, and how many dates does
it take to know if he or she is the right
one?
"It started as a kibitz, but people
Missing Generation on page 10