"Some of the schedules have been
as long as five pages, so parents know
exactly where the children will be dur-
ing winter break five years from now,"
said Victor. "It provides stability for par-
ents and children, and it's an enforce-
able court order."
Money is also a major source of con-
tention between divorced couples; it
is often used as a means of control or
a tool to "buy" a child's allegiance. As
parents argue over who pays for a new
winter jacket or the latest video game
release, it is the children who are caught
in the crossfire.
As with other issues, Victor advises
couples to spell out as much as possible
in the divorce judgment to avoid future
conflict. He recommends including
such things as summer camp, birthday
parties, bar and bat mitzvahs, religious
or private school tuition, health insur-
ance, medical care not covered by
insurance, orthodontia, school trips and
anything else that is likely to come up
over the next several years.
Parents going through a divorce are
looking at a small knothole; we're look-
ing at the whole forest:' Victor said.
"The goal is to have lawyers out of your
life once the divorce is over, so it's better
to deal with everything now."
Don agrees. "I had a feeling more
needed to be done; I was worried about
the kids:' he said, referring to the initial
stages of the divorce.
If an original divorce agreement is not
specific enough, it can be amended via
a post-judgment modification, which,
according to Victor, can often be accom-
plished through Friend of the Court.
Victor said his judgments usually
include a provision stating every child
has the right to a continued relationship
with both parents, and the parents will
work together to facilitate that.
"I also recommend including certain
communication requirements that obli-
gate parents to share information about
the kids' education, health issues, visits
to the doctor and dentist — and no
bad-mouthing," he said.
Training Needed
Experts agree that training is needed so
courts, lawyers and mental health profes-
sionals become more adept at recogniz-
ing parental alienation in its early stages.
Because some parents use litigation as
a means of controlling their ex-spouse,
the target parent becomes frustrated and
depleted, emotionally and financially.
Such is Don's situation. He did not
have the financial resources to continue
fighting his ex-wife in court; he also
believed further legal action would
be futile or make matters even worse
because of the children's negative atti-
tudes toward him.
"There is no such thing as a winner in
a divorce case said Victor. "If there's a
winner, that means there is also a loser,
and usually it's the children who lose'
In her book Parenting Apart, parent
educator and author Christina McGhee
gives five key signs of parental alienation:
• The child has a black-and-white
view of his parents, perceiving the alien-
ating parent as good and honest and
the target parent as all bad. Negativity
toward the other parent eventually turns
to hatred and contempt, which is rein-
forced by the alienating parent.
• The child mimics accusations and
opinions about one parent but denies
being coached or influenced by the other
parent, insisting the ideas are his own.
• The child's negativity extends to the
other parent's extended family, includ-
ing grandparents, even if a close rela-
tionship existed before.
• The child's contempt and rejection
are not based on actual circumstances,
such as abuse or harmful behavior, but
rather on seemingly unwarranted or
unsubstantiated reasons.
• The child consistently rejects one
parent and refuses to see or spend time
with him or her, regardless of how close
their bond was in the past.
Parental alienation can extend to
grandparents and other extended family
members. Victor, founder of the nation-
al Grandparents Rights Organization,
has done extensive work to enhance and
protect the legal rights of grandparents
who have been ostracized following a
death or divorce. He was instrumental
in the passing of a state grandparent
visitation law in 2004 that gives grand-
parents the opportunity to petition the
court and show that the lack of contact
is harmful to the children.
"I feel disappointed that I never get
to see my grandchildren," said Don's
mother, who is 84. "I've never been
invited to a bar or bat mitzvah. People
get divorced; I understand that, but you
don't have to be nasty."
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Divorce Resources
SMILE (Start Making It Livable for
Everyone)
Oakland County Circuit Court
www.oakgov.com/courts/foc
(248)-858-0453
(MIPA) Michigan Inter-Professional
Association on Marriage, Divorce
and the Family
For lawyers, judges and mental
health professionals in the field of
family law
www.mipaonline.org
AFCC (Association of Family and
Conciliation Courts)
www.afccnet.org
Craig and WSULaw Professor Jocelyn Benson
Join Craig
Weekdays at 10 a.m. & 7 p.m.
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November 8 • 2012
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