metro >> on the cover

Parental
Alienation

Children suffer most from their parents'
inability to resolve
conflict in a healthy way.

Ronelle Grier I Contributing Writer

CONTINUED FROM THE COVER

Both of these men have been subjected
to a social dynamic known as parental
alienation, characterized by the seemingly
unreasonable hatred and rejection of one
parent during or after a divorce. The con-
tempt is most often aimed at the father,
although mothers also can become targets
of their children's negativity.
According to Robert Hack, Bloomfield
Hills psychotherapist and divorce coun-
selor, parental alienation happens among
couples whose divorces
are considered high-
conflict, which is
about 20 percent of
all divorces, according
to statistics from the
National Institutes of
Health (NIH). Attorneys
Robert Hack
and therapists who work
with these families agree
that the children are the ones who suffer
the most from their parents' inability to
resolve conflict in a healthy way.
"Parental alienation is a form of child
abuse said Hack, who is working on
developing new legislation for high-
conflict divorces through an ad hoc com-
mittee of the State Bar of Michigan. He
said there is an urgent need for education
among attorneys who practice family law
and mental health professionals.
Despite most couples' good intentions
and promises to stay together "for better or
worse almost half of today's marriages end
in divorce. While childless couples may be
able to go their separate ways when a mar-
riage ends, the situation is far more compli-
cated for those who have children.
"Two people may no longer be marriage
partners, but they will always be parent-
ing partners," said family law attorney
Richard Victor of Victor & Victor PLLC in
Bloomfield Hills. "It's important to main-
tain an open line of communication and
also to give the children permission to love
both of their parents:'
Don remembers a holiday when he
arrived at the home of his ex-wife and

8 November 8 • 2012

children to take the kids to his mother's
house for a holiday dinner. Because it was
not one of his specified parenting days, an
argument ensued when his ex-wife pulled
up and found him at the front door. After
some angry words were exchanged, Don
drove away. The next day, he was served
with a Personal Protection Order (PPO).
Don said the courts "give out PPOs like
candy on Halloween;" however, Victor said
judges take a harsh view of parents who
frivolously try to obtain court orders as a
form of manipulation.
"PPOs should be used, not abused:' said
Victor.
Don went to court to fight the order,
and the judge ruled that Don had to pick
his children up at the police station on his
parenting days. When his ex-wife would
bring the kids to the station to meet him,
they refused to get into his car. The next
courtroom visit, which included negative
testimony about Don from a local psychia-
trist whom he had never met, resulted in an
order for supervised visits at the HAVEN
shelter in Pontiac, although Don said there
was no record of abuse. After an argument
with his daughter during one of these super-
vised sessions, the HAVEN staff refused to
allow any more visits at their facility.
"My daughter is going to be 18 in
March; my son is 16. What am I supposed
to do?" he asked.
He saw his daughter at her high school
homecoming football game that he attend-
ed at the invitation of a friend.
"I learned she was a pompom girl:' said
Don, who did not approach his daughter at
the event. It was the first time he had seen
her since his son's funeral in 2010.

Education Needed

Hack's motivation to help other families
stems from his own experience with
parental alienation when he was divorced
in 1970. At the time of his divorce, the
legal and mental health communities were
not knowledgeable about parental alien-
ation; the issues were not understood and
there were few mechanisms for prevent-
ing such situations. He believes ongoing

education and training for lawyers and
therapists are the key to counteracting the
destructive behaviors that are so damaging
to children of divorce.
"Since I couldn't help my kids, I want to
help other parents:' said Hack. "I consider
myself a child advocate. Leave the kids out
of it."
Victor said there are steps parents can
take to reduce the potential for parental
alienation and protect children from its
damaging effects.
"A child is the product of two parents,"
Victor said. "If one parent is bad-mouthing
the other, it hurts the child's self-esteem."
He said that when
problems arise, parents
should try to commu-
nicate with each other
before involving lawyers
or the court system. If
this is difficult, he rec-
ommends divorce coach-
Richard Victor ing or counseling with a
therapist trained to deal
with issues pertaining to divorces where
children are involved.
If these preliminary problem-solving
attempts are unsuccessful, and one parent
continues to withhold parenting time or
otherwise violate the divorce judgment,
he recommends filing a show/cause order
with the court.
"It's a felony to withhold parenting
time," he said, adding that preventing a
child from seeing a parent during specified
parenting time for more than 48 hours can
be considered parental kidnapping. While
Victor believes legal action should be a last
resort, he acknowledges that some parents
will not comply with the terms of their
judgments unless they are made to do so.
He said a parent is less likely to repeat the
behavior if he/she knows the other parent
will not sit back and accept it.
"Many parents are good people who
behave badly because they don't recognize
the harm they are doing to their children,"
said Victor. For those parents, counseling
or other programs can be helpful.

Getting Help

One such program is SMILE (Start Making
It Livable for Everyone), a mandatory
program for divorcing parents with minor
children developed in 1989 by Victor, along
with Oakland County Circuit Court Judge
Ed Sosnick. SMILE now is used throughout
the United States and also is licensed in
Australia. The program consists of educa-
tional material about how divorce impacts
families. It provides positive suggestions on
how parents can help the children through
this difficult time in their lives.
"The goal [of the SMILE program] is to
create a conflict-free zone for children:'
Victor said.
For parents with more serious issues,
Hack offers an eight-week communica-
tion skills program called ADEPT (After
Divorce Effective Parenting Together),
which is offered through the Family
Division of Oakland County Circuit Court.
The program is designed to help parents
put an end to constant fighting and ongo-
ing litigation by teaching them how to
communicate and solve problems without
putting the children in the middle.
Hack, who also produces and moderates
a cable television show called Michigan
Divorce Matters, believes communication
is the No. 1 reason for divorce.
According to Victor, communication
is also the key to a healthy post-divorce
relationship.
"It's important for parents to have open
lines of communication after a divorce;
they should talk to each other instead of
talking 'at' each other."
Because many cases of parental alien-
ation center on custody issues and parent-
ing time, detailed divorce agreements that
specify schedules and other factors can go
a long way toward minimizing potential
conflict.
"Putting 'reasonable and liberal' parent-
ing time in a divorce judgment is a waste of
paper;' said Victor, who advises clients to be
as specific as possible about weekends, holi-
days, vacations and anything else that could
be cause for misinterpretation or argument.

