Families on opposite sides of the political spectrum find ways to maintain civility.
Louis Finkelman
Special to the Jewish News
p
olitics in America this election
year seem more personal than
ever. Politically involved people
describe supporters of the opposing party
as rivals, opponents and even as enemies.
When we do have to meet those folks at
work, school or synagogue, the conversa-
tion can get tense in a hurry.
What if we have to meet those folks
across the family dinner table or at night
in bed?
How do mixed marriages — between
liberals and conservatives — and blended
families of Democrats and Republicans
manage the poisoned topic of politics?
Newlyweds Jordana and Alan Wolfson
of Huntington Woods have one of those
mixed marriages. She is a Democrat; he is
not.
Asked how they negotiate that differ-
predictable."
ence, Alan says, "I have opened her eyes to
England says she and her husband revel
a few things." And then he lovingly reports in the few things they agree about in poli-
that Jordana says, "I ignore him most of
tics.
the time when he talks politics."
"It must be seriously a poor political
Elinor Bugli of Carson City, Nev., knew
decision if we both agree on its stupidity,"
two families who made opposite resolu-
she says. "Such are rare treats where we
tions to the challenge. One couple just
can beat up (verbally) on the weirdness
didn't "talk politics" at home. The other
and ineptness of our political system."
couple invited their friends to an election
An Oak Park woman — who would
eve party at their house. They always voted prefer not to reveal her name — says,
— simply to cancel out each other's votes!
"Arrgh... I hate election years. My kids are
But most couples cannot avoid talking
completely at odds with each other. They
politics to some extent. One thoughtful
do not stop, even when it is not an election
veteran of such a mixed marriage, former
year."
Detroiter Svia England of Queens, N.Y.,
During the 2008 presidential election,
says, "Like people in most relationships
one child who lived in an apartment with
that survive, we have a sense of what items no lawn asked if she could put up a sign
of discussion might cause problems or
for Obama on her lawn.
fights. Then there is a quick preliminary
"Sure, why not?" she said. "Then, along
calculation as to what is worth fighting
comes my conservative son, and says,
about. In my experience, politics rarely
`What about me? I want to put up a sign
rise to that criterion.
for McCain!"
"Therefore, we banter about the crazy
So she had lawn signs for both candi-
things the other side does and try to con-
dates. "It might have looked odd, but it
vince each other. Of course, this is rarely
is emblematic about the way things went
effective; she says. "We will tirelessly try
around here — pretty divided," she says.
to convince each other like characters in a
Then the story gets complicated.
sitcom that has gone on for one too many
"One night, the McCain sign disap-
seasons. The punchlines become fairly
peared; she says. "I was shocked, and my
50
November 1 • 2012
son was disappointed. He immediately ran
out and got another one."
Then her conservative son came home
late one night and saw that someone had
ripped the Obama sign and thrown it in
the gutter. He fixed it up, even though it
did not represent his own opinions, so his
mom and sister wouldn't be upset — as
well as on general principles.
Mom had had enough. She made her
own sign: "I believe in freedom of speech.
It is the American way."
She set it up between two little
American flags, and in between the
McCain and the Obama sign. No one
touched it.
As soon as the polls do, ,?.d, she went
out and pulled out all the signs. "I was so
happy to be done. I was happy not to have
to worry about the signs anymore," she
says. "This year: No political signs on my
lawn!'
Israelis have more choices of politi-
cal party. One Election Day in Israel, five
members of one family entertained their
dinner guests from Detroit by calmly
explaining why each one had just voted for
a different party.
Two former Detroiters, now residents of
Ra'anana, Israel, said that they are left of
center, one daughter's husband is right of
center, and another daughter's husband is
far, far left.
"Orthodox guests assume we are right
wing, so they bad mouth the left and sup-
port the right. We bite our lips and change
the subject; they say. "Occasionally, I'll ask
a few challenging questions, but that is as
hot as we let the discussion go."
When their far-left son-in-law is with
them, the topic is an even hotter potato, so
they hardly ever discuss politics.
A prominent member of the Jewish
community, famous in Berkeley, Calif., for
the Shabbat dinners that she and her hus-
band cook for dozens of guests, has a strict
rule about politics at the table. "I remain
as passionate as ever. So we have a strictly
enforced no politics rule at our Shabbat
tables, mostly to protect the guests from me!"
At each Shabbat meal she announces,
"Because we have so many wonderful
friends and beautiful guests and because
they all have political views that they hold
beautifully and passionately, we have an
absolute rule: No politics of any kind,
about any country: past, present, future,
real or imagined"
This rule "means that we can have, as
guests, people whose opinions we abhor
and enjoy a peaceful meal."
Once, the family hosted a contingent
of young people from Israel who found
the rule amusing but somewhat perplex-
ing. At home in Israel they were used to
lively political discussions everywhere.
After Shabbat, one of the young women
said that she and her friends had been
elsewhere for Shabbat lunch. A political
discussion ensued that was so heated that
people were running out into the street
to yell at each other. "Now," she wrote, "I
understand your political rule."
The hostess further explains the back-
ground of her no-politics rule. "Growing
up with two wonderful, loving parents
whose views were as different from mine
as they could possibly have been (and
wrong-headed), it is impossible for me to
demonize people whose views are differ-
ent from mine. I know that good, decent
people can honestly hold opinions I find
abhorrent."
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