metro >> on the cover
When adult kids come knocking,
there are ways to make living at
home workable.
Marlene Temkin
CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1
The majority — 78 percent — of adult
children living at home say they do not have
enough money to "lead the kind of life they
wane' according to the PRC.
In the words of a mother who has her
adult son living at home: "It was logical
for him to move back home because of
the money: After finishing law school at
Michigan State University two years ago,
Marla Weiss' son Jordan moved home to
West Bloomfield.
"My original plan was to move out of
Michigan, but that didn't happen' said
Jordan, 26, who has a job, but not enough
money yet to live on his own. "We're all on
the same page in terms of how much rent
costs and why I'm not moving out. They've
left it up to me to move out when I wan'
Nemzoff strongly urges parents and their
kids to discuss the logistics of the living
arrangement prior to the move. "Parents
need to make their wishes known — right
down to the minutiae she said. "If they're
used to a kitchen with no dishes in the sink,
they need to make that clear.
"Really being clear about the physical and
social expectations of the situation will make
everyone's lives easier," Nemzoff emphasized.
For the Weisses, there was not much
ahead-of-time discussion. As Marla Weiss
8
October 4 • 2012
1 JN Intern
dent situation to a less
independent one, but
I knew it was the best
thing for me to do at
the tim'
His mother, Karen,
said, "I welcomed him
home; I like having as
many members of my
family together as pos-
sible. I think it's a great
solution until he has
enough money to live
on his own."
Prior to Sam moving
Dr. Ruth Nemzoff, resident scholar at Brandeis University's
home, Karen said they
Women's Studies Research Center
had a few conversations
about how the living situation would go, "but
said, "We've never had much trouble with
it wasn't a big deal."
our kids. We followed the same rule we had
Sam said, "It's important to have your own
when they were younger: We trust them
space. Personally, if I'm in my room, my par-
until they give us reason not to.
ents generally don't bother me there.
"It's worked pretty weir she said happily,
"Also, for someone who's considering mov-
"and I know every parent-child relationship
ing home, ifs important for their sanity that
is different, but it's just not a problem here:
their parents understand they are adults. My
The Rosensteins of Troy had their son
parents are pretty good about not needing to
Sam move home after graduating from the
know where I am at all times, but sometimes
University of Michigan four years ago.
I need to remind them that I am indeed 26
"I dorit know if my experience is typical
years old:'
because I get along with my parents more
In terms of taking care of things around
than most people I know," said Sam, 26,
the house, Sam said, "I was always expected
who is working and saving money. "I wasn't
to do chores when I came home from school,
thrilled about going from a more indepen-
so that wasn't a change, and there was no dis-
cussion of a curfew or anything like that."
Karen explained, "He's an adult now, and
it's always helpful to respect that.
"I try to think of things as 'Is this some-
thing I would talk to him about if he was
living in another city?' For me, that helps to
keep me in the right mindset of how my role
in his life has shifted':
Over the course of the time an adult child
lives at home, Nemzoff suggests doing a
"regular tune-up of the situation so you don't
have a crisis:"
"Having a plan to talk about the situation
every month or so is a good idea. This way,
the child isn't being nagged at every turn,
but the parents have a chance to voice their
concerns:' she said.
"So, once a month you can say, 'OK, I
thought I wouldn't mind if you came in at
four in the morning, but it's disturbing my
sleep: By having a scheduled time to talk
about things that aren't going well, the situ-
ation is much more controlled and livable
Nemzoff advised.
"Also, if there are jobs to be done around
the house and it's been decided that your
child will do them, leave them a note and
assume it'll get done — don't automatically
assume that you'll be left doing the chore.
"This reframing is important; make sure
you don't put things in a negative light from