Rosh Hashanah
Saying We're Sorry
Days of Awe spark need to ask forgiveness of others and ourselves.
Debra Darvick
many rocks as they can in their pockets.
I tell them they have to walk around with
these rocks, and when they realize how
uncomfortable the rocks are, we begin to
talk about the choice of carrying around the
weight of resentment and the inability to
forgive others.
"Forgiveness doesn't mean I am let-
ting someone off the hook for hurting
me. They will have to deal with why they
choose to hurt others. We may think
resenting them is having power over them,
but it's just the opposite. No one has power
over us but a loving, kind and compas-
sionate God. When I hold on to my resent-
ments, I am letting a human being stand
between me and God."
Special to the Jewish News
0
nly in 1970s pop psychology
and silver-screen tearjerkers
does love mean never having to
say you're sorry. If you're Jewish, at least
once a year, you gotta say you're sorry. To
friends, to loved ones, to anyone whom you
have wronged.
Distinct among the world's major reli-
gions, Judaism demands this yearly chesh-
bon hanefesh — this taking account of our
souls so that we will merit being written
into the Book of Life for one more year.
But how, exactly, do we pull this off? The
issues and goals permeating the month
leading up to the Days of Awe, as well as
the 10 days themselves, are complex and
challenging. We struggle to let go of anger,
hurt and resentment. Facing our own
transgressions, we seek to make amends;
asking for forgiveness is sometimes easier
than forgiving ourselves.
And where is God in all of this? How do
we use this period of reflection to deepen,
or initiate, a relationship? What must we
do to merit Divine forgiveness? It starts
with the words Erich Segal's protagonists
never had to utter. It starts with saying, "I'm
sorry:'
In recent years, the "blanket request" has
gained prominence. Many friends and fam-
ily members find themselves saying to one
another, "If I have done anything to offend
you this year, please forgive me:' Some may
look at this generic request as a feint, but it
is nevertheless a step in the right direction.
"While the 'blanket formula isn't as full
of meaning as it should be says Rabbi
Steven Rubenstein of Congregation Beth
Ahm, "it provides an opportunity to open
up the conversation. The response might
be, 'Yes, of course [I forgive you], but I
really wanted to talk to you about this one
thing because I am still thinking about it:
Even if it's formulaic, it can translate into
something meaningful. No one reciting the
Ashamnu (a prayer asking forgiveness for a
list of transgressions) has done all of those
things, but it's a spur to get us thinking
about the things that we did do:'
Temple Beth El's Rabbi Keren Alpert says,
"It is very powerful for someone to apolo-
gize to us. We might take it for granted
in our homes but, especially for kids, it's
powerful when a parent admits he or she
did something wrong. The prayer book
says that it doesn't come easily to the lips. I
believe that. I'm not sure if it's pride, stub-
bornness or the fear of being diminished
if you admit a wrongdoing, but as much as
words can hurt, we have to remember that
68
September 13 2012
iimagoo°;
Let Go Of Bitterness
; 111111111Simersx
Illustration by Emma Darvick
they also have the power to heal. It may not
be a complete healing, but we have to at
least offer it:"
Apologies sometimes come unexpectedly,
revealing firsthand the powerful healing
that takes place when a simple "I'm sorry"
enables the one asking forgiveness to lay
down burdens carried perhaps for years.
Recently, a former classmate approached
West Bloomfield resident Bob Levine at his
high school reunion to apologize for believ-
ing the worst about an interaction that took
place between Levine and another school
friend, which he heard about second-
hand. Though Levine remembered the inci-
dent, he had left it behind, along with his
mortarboard tassel and other high school
memories. Not so the classmate.
"I was astonished when he approached
me and apologized," recalls Levine. "He had
come from out of state to the reunion in
hopes of connecting with me. For 40 years,
he'd carried this guilt. I was incredibly
moved by his confession and the depth with
which he felt he needed to make amends:'
There is an inner cleansing and lighten-
ing of the spirit that happens when an apol-
ogy is not only extended, but also accepted
with grace and compassion. Rabbi Boruch
Cohen, spiritual leader of the Birmingham-
Bloomfield Chai Center, recognizes the
opportunity to be "God-like" that accepting
another's apology can bring.
"We all hope that God is a forgiving God,
and therefore it is up to us to be a forgiving
people. The hurts we sustain invite us to
engage with God:'
Surrendering The Ego
Engaging with God also lies at the heart of
what it means to be in recovery from addic-
tion and/or alcoholism, and Rabbi Yisrael
Pinson, who has worked with recovering
addicts since founding the David Sobel
Friendship House in West Bloomfield,
draws parallels between Aloholics
Anonymous' Twelve-Step program and
teshuvah (repentence). Now in charge of
development and strategic planning for
Friendship Circle of Michigan, Pinson
is also the founder of Jewish Recovery
International.
"Although teshuvah is translated as
repentance says Pinson, "the Hebrew root
comes from the Hebrew for to return,
which is very similar to [the concept of]
recovery. When we talk about recovery, we
are saying, 'I am going to be the person I
was before I started drinking: The point is
to return to the state of harmony when my
body and my soul wanted the same thing
— to be in a relationship with God.
"Torah requires us to surrender our ego
and then [clear away] the barriers between
us and God, similar to the first three steps
in recovery, which also require a surrender-
ing of the ego. Steps Four through 10 are
the steps where I clean house, go to those
whom I have hurt and ask forgiveness.
The goal is to take the focus away from
self-serving actions to God-serving and
other-serving actions. It's not enough to do
teshuvah for the bad things we have done.
One should be in teshuvah one's whole
life — developing and reinforcing one's rela-
tionship with God, very similar to steps 10
through 12:'
Pinson has an exercise he uses with
many he counsels who struggle to forgive.
"We take a walk, and I have them put as
Dr. David Dietrich, a psychiatrist practicing
in Birmingham, knows well the prison bit-
terness builds and, like Pinson, underscores
the idea that forgiving does not mean giv-
ing a pass to those who are hurtful.
"Forgiveness is so very important:' he
says. "With our society's emphasis on sports
and the media, we don't talk very much
about [forgiveness], but it's more important
than we realize. People pay a high price for
holding on to their bitterness. It's not about
forgiving and forgetting. Forgiveness doesn't
mean saying abuse is OK. But it can be for-
given. Its an organic process coming from
within; there is mourning, there is con-
fronting what was lost. When [forgiveness]
happens, it can be emotionally liberating."
Emotional liberation came to Ellen Saul
[pseudonym to protect privacy] "in a quite
unexpected way." School politics led to
Saul's being twice passed over for the posi-
tion of head teacher in a classroom where
she had long worked as assistant teacher.
Then, with enrollment dropping, her class-
room was closed, leaving her unemployed
for going on two years now The job loss,
coupled with the death of her mother, sent
Saul into an emotional tailspin for which
she sought professional help.
A recent conversation with a former col-
league who also had been let go put the
events into perspective.
"Forgiving was a byproduct of all the
work I had been doing. My friend said she
realized her family wouldn't have the won-
derful life they now had on the West Coast
without all the events that led up to it. All
of a sudden, my focus changed. I was able
to let it all go. Just like that. I've started my
own business, and it's moderately success-
ful. I know that doors will soon be opening
that will be better than anything yet."
Saul's transformation also came about
when she let go of the need to punish her-