family focus

z-..1!j' pflf1:-E;

The Other Side

Mother finally writes on adoption's
nightmares and blessings.

r i

F

atheist muttered, handing me the
or over a decade, my hus-
band has been urging to me
bouquet.
"Don't worry," I replied.
to write the book, The Other
To my second surprise, they joined
Side of Adoption. "You've got to tell
the girls and myself for a rousing
the real story — that it's no picnic:'
rendition of L'Chah Dodi, after which
Shuddering at the thought, I always
answer: "Too painful, too personal, and we adjourned to the Shabbat table.
Shalom Aleichem finished,
it will only hurt the boys:'
I turned the Siddur page,
I have continually
noting that "since there's
shrugged off the sugges-
no one to say Eshet Chayil
tion even as we endured
(Woman of Valor), I'll say
unimaginable nightmares
Kiddush."
from both sons, including
Then came surprise No. 3.
criminal activity; heavy
"Who says there's no
drug use followed by reha-
one to sing Eshet Chayil
bilitation and (thankfully)
to you?" With all his heart,
entry into a normal life of
my troubadour sang my
marriage and family, forced
praises while I unsuccess-
Tami
hospitalization in a mental
Lehman -
fully tried to hold back the
institution due to extreme
tears. Finished, he rose and
Wilzig
psychosis (leading to a
recited the Kiddush, then
Personal
diagnosis of a severe mental
mumbled: "You can do the
Essay
illness), followed by a long
Motzi Lechem:'
and complex rehabilitation
A cloud-nine Shabbat? You bet, only
process.
Have you caught your breath? These to be bested on Motzei Shabbat when
few examples only represent the height he initiated a mother-son talk on rela-
tionships.
of the pain. What preceded were years
"You know," he said in the middle,
of unpredictable ADD (Son 1) and
"don't take this wrong but it's sad you
ADHD (Son 2) behavior going way
never had your own children. You
beyond the norm, often including
and Abba moved from one country
thrill- and danger-seeking adventures
that would lead any mother to her own to another. You had to adjust to a new
culture, speak a different language ...
private mental ward.
and ... you've gone through a lot with
Fortunately,along the way I discov-
us. Still, you stood up to all the chal-
ered that I am not alone. Long-term
lenges. It's a shame you could never
studies show that 75 percent of all
hand down those strong genes to
adopted kids have serious behavioral
another generation."
problems, including various forms of
Well, blow me over. How do you
addiction. Even worse, 25 percent of
all adoptees suffer from mental illness. respond to such raw honesty, clarity
and insight? By telling the truth. If we
Based on modern-day research, sci-
hadn't adopted these two children, we
entists have discarded the theory that
never would have understood what
environment makes all the difference.
it really means to accept the other in
Forget nurture over nature. It's mostly
genes, genes and more genes, with just our midst. We would never have truly
understood the pain of abandon-
a smidgen of socialization.
ment, the agony of mental illness.
Do I love my boys? Of course.
We never would have learned how to
Despite all the pain, we have never
persevere, how to turn bad situations
given up on them. And that's a good
thing because two recent back-to-back into positive experiences and how to
give unconditional love in the deepest
events with one of our sons finally
gave me reason me to write The Other sense of the word.
"You know," I answered, "you're
Side of Adoption the side I've been
right. It's too bad that we never had
patiently waiting for.
children of our own, but if we had,
My husband was in the States on
then we never would have had the
business. I invited two young adult
zechut (privilege) of bringing you up."
female relatives to "cousin sit" me for
Shabbat and included our younger son
That's The Other Side of Adoption.
and his girlfriend for the Friday night
Tami Lehman-Wilzig of Petach Tikva,
dinner. They arrived early, bearing in
Israel, is an award-winning Jewish content
hand the first surprise — flowers.
children's book author. Visit her site at
"Don't expect me to do any of the
www.tIwkidsbooks.com.
bracha (prayer) things:' my confirmed

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July 19 . 2012

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