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health & wellness >> family counseling
Switching
Expectations
Into
Surprises
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32
July 5 • 2012
ast year, Detroit Tigers closer
Jose Valverde went the whole
season without blowing a save
opportunity even once. Fans came to
expect pitching perfection every time
he was called to the mound. This sea-
son, Valverde ended his run in the first
month of play. Though the
end of his perfect perfor-
mance was inevitable, fans
still expected the streak to
continue. They were sur-
prised when it ended.
Our children live in a
world where expectations
often conflict with real-
ity. An expectation is the
anticipation of an event. It
can be something simple,
like doing something spe-
cial with a friend or loved
one — or it can be a child
expecting to get something expensive,
unnecessary or inopportune. Many
parents accede to their children's
expectations to avoid arguments or to
maintain peace. While most children
learn that expectations will not always
be fulfilled, they still are surprised
when someone tells them "no."
Most parents can cite examples of
too much expectation on the part of
their children and too few surprises.
Think about the many times you've
been in a store and your child throws a
tantrum because he or she isn't getting
a toy or treat. Even if told no, some
children will carry on, pouting or
asking why repeatedly to get parents
to acquiesce. When we see children
acting out and parents giving in, we
shake our heads and move away from
the tumult, especially if our own chil-
dren are with us.
To shift our children from having
too much expectation and too little
surprise, parents need to reverse this
process by exchanging the surprise
with the expectation.
In most situations, children want to
hear their parents say "yes:' If a parent
responds with a resounding "no," that
is a surprise.
For example, you're at the grocery
checkout and your child says "buy me
that candy bar" expecting to get it as
usual. However, you say "no;' which
surprises the child. At this point, you
need to remain firm in order for the
program to be successful. (This may
be easier said than done.) After a
while, your child will learn
not to be surprised when
turned down.
Controlled by the parents,
this process implements a
new principle: What was
previously expected will
now be satisfied infre-
quently. Because no one can
really anticipate a surprise,
a child can never know
when a desire will be grant-
ed. The parent will always
have the option to relax this
new rule, such as when the
child has behaved exceptionally well,
by giving a fortuitous "yes" to a child's
request. Altering the rule occasionally
supports the random nature of the
surprise and evokes excitement that it
may occur again.
This expectation-surprise reversal
strategy can be applied in many situa-
tions beyond family.
Considei people who have learned
to expect their wishes to be granted,
such as an annual raise. Like a child,
there can be an unhappy reaction
when circumstances are altered. Think
how surprising an unexpected "no"
instead of a "yes" (or the opposite) can
change a person's perspective.
By establishing new rules using this
expectation-surprise reversal, adults,
too, can be satisfied and motivated,
making unpredicted outcomes special.
The temptation to seek what is expect-
ed will fade, and tension from lack
of gratification will diminish. That
expectation may surprise you.
❑
Dr. Daniel Rosenbaum is a clinical social
worker at Counseling Associates Inc. in
West Bloomfield, where he counsels chil-
dren, teens and adults experiencing family
or personal psychological problems. Reach
him at (248) 626-1500.