frontlines

Just Find Me
Lost In Space

A

Field. Who better to go up in space than a former "Flying
friend of mine emailed me a story about a sleep
Nun" who's appeared in commercials for women experienc-
study that was conducted at NASA where partici-
ing osteoporosis. I can hear the movie trailer now: "In a
pants were paid $5,000 a month for three months
world gone mad, Sally Field travels deep into space to fight
to stay in bed. She said she thought the NASA story would
the aliens from the planet Boniva."
be something funny for me to write about, but I can't help
Meanwhile, the NASA sleep study allowed participants
but think that she also thought I was the perfect candidate to
access
to television, computers and video game consoles.
stay in bed for three months.
That's when it occurred to me that they could've
The study was conducted at the Human Test
saved a ton of money by simply studying teenag-
Subject Facility at the Johnson Space Center in
ers on couches. Instead of sequestering human
Texas with the intent of learning the effects of
guinea
pigs, just pay several parents to log their
microgravity on the body during extended space
kids'
activities.
"Houston, we've got a problem..
travel; things like muscle atrophy and bone loss.
My
kid
won't
get
off the couch!"
Sadly, I know that my application would've been
I've
also
learned,
to no surprise, that NASA
rejected by NASA scientists; probably accompanied
conducts
studies
on
the effect extended space
by a letter that said, "Mr. Muskovitz, we regret to
travel
has
on
one's
mental
faculties. I can't con-
inform you that, at your current weight, it will be
firm
this,
but
my
"sources"
tell me that one cur-
impossible for NASA scientists to get you to experi-
rent
study
subjects
participants
to watch The
ence zero gravity"
Alan
Bachelorette,
The
Real
Housewives
of New Jersey
No hard feelings, NASA. Besides, I'm sure even
Muskovitz
for three
with
the
Kardashians
and
Keeping
Up
seasoned NASA scientists wouldn't be able to put
Jewish
News
consecutive
months;
two
months
of
viewing
fol-
up with my snoring. Which begs the question, if
Columnist
lowed
by
one
month
of
recovery.
The
volunteers
you snore in space, can anyone hear?
must sign a waiver that they may never fully
So, if not me, who? How about the two sets of
recover.
Willy
Wonka
and
the
Chocolate
grandparents from the movie
And finally, if you're interested .in picking up a few extra
Factory? They never got out of bed. That is, until Grandpa
bucks,
there is one study set to commence in early August
Joe finally leapt out of bed after 20 years when his grand-
that
may
be NASA's most grueling mental experiment ever.
son Charlie won the Golden Ticket and a chance to visit the
The
study
will examine the effects on humans who are sub-
Chocolate Factory. On a side note, I'm working on a Jewish
jected
to
three
consecutive months of presidential campaign
I
play
the
grandpa;
only
I'm
sequel called Willy Wankanstein.
ads.
May
God
be
with them. El
enticed out of bed by a chance to visit the Zeman's 7-Layer
Cake Factory-
Alan Muskovitz is a writer, speaker, emcee and voiceover talent.
Speaking of movies, all this talk of space travel and bone
Visit his website at laughwithbigaLcom.
loss gave me a great idea for a sci-fi thriller starring Sally

JN CONTENTS

theJEWISHNEWS.com

June 7-13, 2012 I 17-23 Sivan 5772 Vol. CXLI, No. 18

Arts/Entertainment
Around Town
Business
Calendar
Food
Here's To
Israel
Marketplace
Metro
Next Generation
Obituaries

37
.16
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24
42
22
20, 31
49
8
26
56

Out & About
Points Of View
Sports
Staff Box/Phone List
Synagogue List
Teen2Teen extra
Torah Portion
World

Columnist
Danny Raskin

38
32
36
6
34
28
35
30

Shabbat Lights

Shabbat: Friday, June 8, 8:50 p.m.
Shabbat Ends: Saturday, June 9,10:02 p.m..

Shabbat: Friday, June 15, 8:54 p.m.
Shabbat Ends: Saturday, June 16, 10:06 p.m.

Times are according to the Yeshiva Beth
Yehudah calendar.

44

On The Cover:

Page design, Michelle Sheridan

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As a donor you aren't merely writing
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