comply with his wishes.
"We all have horrible memories," Rivkah
said. "Everyone in our house was tainted by
what he did."
When they tried marital therapy, Rivkah
said her husband refused to take respon-
sibility for his behavior; instead he wanted
the therapist to "fix" his wife. She got little
support from the surrounding community.
"I had friends who said he just needed a
job, that he wasn't such a bad guy',' she said.
After a restraining order and several
false starts, Rivkah and her children went
to Safe Place, the Jewish women's shelter
sponsored by National Council of Jewish
Women, where they stayed while Jacob was
served with divorce papers.
Rivkah said she would like to start a
support group specifically for Orthodox
women who have experienced abuse. She
knows there are many more women in situ-
ations similar to hers who are not getting
the support and encouragement they need.
"You don't want everyone to know
what's going on in your house she said.
"Eventually your children will grow up and
want to get married, and there's definitely
a stigma."
More than 10 years after their civil
divorce, Jacob refuses to give Rivkah an
official Jewish writ of divorce, known as a
get. Without a get, a woman cannot remarry
under Jewish law. Rivkah is among a grow-
ing number of women known as agunot,
the plural of agunah, the term for a Jewish
woman who is "chained" to her marriage by
a spouse who refuses to grant her a get.
A recent study spearheaded by Barbara
Zackheim of the Greater Washington
Jewish Coalition Against Domestic Abuse
found that women in this situation are
receiving little or no help from organiza-
tions within their communities, and that
the rabbinic courts have not considered
nor resolved more than half the cases.
Many of these women have been pressured
into giving up custody or financial support
in exchange for a get. Zackheim said she
hopes this study, which identified more
than 450 agunot, will awaken the com-
munities where these women live as well as
the rabbis who serve them.
Sara's Story
Sara saw the red flags waving when she met
David (not their real names), but she chose
to ignore them. He had a violent temper and
was verbally abusive. "Scary" was the word
she used most often to describe him. When
they met, Sara was recently divorced from a
cheating husband, with whom she had two
sons. That experience had affected her self-
esteem and her judgment and, like many
abusers, David had a public persona that
was charming and charismatic.
Despite her reservations and a warning
from David's sister to run the other way,
Sara accepted David's marriage proposal.
During the course of their marriage, which
included three children, David became
increasingly abusive, verbally and physical-
ly. He was especially hard on the sons from
Sara's first marriage. Like many victims of
domestic abuse, Sara blamed herself.
"I kept thinking if I were better and
faster and smarter and did the right things,
he would be different:' she said.
Chute says Sara's reaction is typical of
women in abusive relationships. Rivkah
described similar feelings, saying, "I
thought it was all my fault. If I had been a
proper wife, my husband wouldn't have felt
so emasculated."
When Sara went to her temple and
asked her rabbi for help, armed with police
reports and photographs of her blackened
eyes, she found him disbelieving and dis-
missive. The rabbi said he could not take
any action on Sara's behalf, citing the large
donations David had made to the syna-
gogue as one of the reasons. After Sara left,
he called David and told him about the
conversation.
Eventually, Sara filed for divorce after devel-
oping an exit strategy with help from staff
members at the HAVEN domestic violence
shelter in Pontiac, where she also received
counseling and restructuring services.
Other victims report repercussions that
last long after the marriage or relationship
has ended. More than three years after her
divorce from an abusive husband, Lynn
(not her real name) continues to receive
bullying emails and text messages from
her ex. He also tries to turn their children
against Lynn by sending them messages
containing disparaging lies about her.
Lynn says she can tolerate his hostility;
what upsets her is the emotional toll all of
this has taken on the kids, especially her
daughter.
To Stay Or Leave?
Chute said both partners stay in abusive
relationships for a variety of reasons.
Surprisingly, one is love.
"It's hard to imagine, but they really do
love each other:' she said. "They're in a state
of gridlock, locked in anger, criticism and
fear."
Economic dependence is another factor.
Some men will prevent their wives from
working outside the home; others exert
power by controlling the family finances.
"A woman leaves an average of eight
times before she leaves for good, if she
leaves for good:' Chute said. "Sometimes he
convinces her [to stay] by behaving well,
sometimes by threats."
Many women are afraid to leave for good
reason. Experts agree that the most dan-
gerous time for a woman is right after she
leaves, or when she announces the decision
to do so. This is when most homicides hap-
pen, and also when men are most likely to
become physically violent for the first time.
"It's all about power and control',' said
Ellen Michaels, a local attorney who repre-
sents victims of domestic violence. "When a
woman leaves, the man is losing control."
Chute cautions well-meaning friends or
family members not to encourage a woman
to leave an abusive relationship without a
carefully devised exit plan. She recommends
listening supportively and encouraging the
Leonard
Gutman cradles
a haunting
photo of his
murdered
sister, Linda.
Resources
• National Council of Jewish Women, Greater Detroit Section (NCJW/
GDS): Secured credit card program, financial information, Safe
Place Kosher women's shelter, BATR (Bullying and Abuse in Teen
Relationships) program for high school students. Call
(248) 355-3300 for confidential information
• Jewish Family Service of Metropolitan Detroit: Counseling,
support and resource referral for victims of domestic violence;
Jewish Coalition Against Domestic Assault (JCADA). Contact Ellen
Yashinsky Chute at (248) 592-2300
• Common Ground Sanctuary: Counseling, free legal clinics, referrals
and housing for women/children/teens. 24-hour crisis hotline:
(800) 231-1127 or (248) 456-0909; www.commongroundheips.org .
• HAVEN Domestic Violence Center, 92 Whitmore, Pontiac: Confidential
24-hour crisis line, (248) 334-1274; toll-free crisis line,
(877) 922-1274; TTY line, (248) 334-1290; www.haven-oakland.org .
• Family Law Access Project: Free assistance at (248) 335-0125.
Religious reference.---
• Jewish Women International: (800) 343-2823, www.jwi.org .
• Jewish Orthodox Feminist Alliance (JOFA): (800) 550-JOFA,
www.jofa.org .
Men's organizations:
• A Call to Men: www.acalltomen.org .
Books
• Abuse in the Jewish Community: Religious and Communal Factors
that Undermine the Apprehension of Offenders and the Treatment of
Victims by Michael J. Salamon, Ph.D., 2011, Urim Publications.
• The Shame Borne in Silence: Spouse Abuse in the Jewish Community
by Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski, M.D., 1996, Mirkov Publications Inc.
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