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THE GINA MONOLOGUES

The New Graduate's Guide
to Awful Co Workers

By Gina Volpe

'ay is here — and with it a slew of spritely college graduates

charging into the workforce. New grads, I'd like to help with
that transition. College, being a cesspool of ghastly people, is
good partial preparation for the ogres you'll encounter at your
new job. The remaining preparation will come from this: Gina's
"New Graduate's Guide to Awful Co-Workers." Read it and weep.

THE BLABBER

Try as you may — carefully planning your routes, timing
your bathroom breaks — evading the Blabber is unavoid-
able.* Seemingly ever-present, no matter your location,
the Blabber waits — like a Venus Flytrap — ready to
snap their blabby jaws over your defenseless ears.
The Blabber typically appears at inopportune
moments, like when you are about to enjoy a
relaxing break. One of the most challenging
workplace struggles is finding a polite, pro-
fessional way to tell the Blabber, "I only have
15 minutes to enjoy this break and I don't
want to waste them listening to you, so please shut
up." (If any of you have been able to accomplish this,
please email me your technique.)
On the bright side, working with a chatterbox does
have some perks. Occasionally you'll encounter the
Blabber on your way to do some boring work task. The
inevitable holdup can easily consume several minutes
of actual work time. If your boss asks what took so long,
a mere, "I ran into [the Blabber]," will get you off the hook.

'kt

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* This does not apply to janitors, who are exempt from having to deal with the Blabber,
since nobody talks to them. On a related note, I'm thinking of becoming a janitor.

THE WANNABE BFF

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You'll have a Facebook friend request from this co-worker
waiting for you by the time you get home from your first
day. Whereas normal people survey the workplace popu-
lace and see the monsters they'll have to deal with 40
hours a week, the Wannabe BFF sees hundreds of
potential new best friends.
Be prepared to have an excuse at the ready
when the Wannabe BFF inquires about
your after-work plans — because it's a trap.
When you admit to an open schedule, the
Wannabes know you now have no reason
to decline their invitation to grab a drink or,
God forbid, attend their choir performance.
If my real social life were half as exciting as the
one I invent to avoid going out with my co-work-
ers, I'd be the coolest person alive.

Discovered in
Oakland Count9

THE FREAK (WITH A POSITIVE ATTITUDE)

This nut somehow actually enjoys work. As you scroll through
your inbox, gleefully deleting unopened emails, you'll spot a mes-
sage with a happy face emoticon in the subject line. This is the
work of the Freak.
In November, the Freak will send an email asking all
staff members to name something for which they're
thankful. On rare days off, the Freak will ask for volunteers
to staff a food drive or some other event that never ends
— much like the Freak's annoyingly good mood.
You'll notice this weirdo at the end of a long, boring meet-
ing. Just when you think your blood pressure couldn't possibly
rise any higher and things are thankfully winding down, the
Freak will raise a hand and ask a thoughtful question, which
leads to a drawn-out answer — and continuing the meeting
for another 15 minutes.

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18 May 2011 I

RED TIZEIID

THE POOPER

Everyone poops, but sadly, not everyone is mindful of poop-
ing etiquette. Every workplace has at least one Pooper, some jerk
with IBS who makes sure you know it. The first sign of a Pooper
is usually leftover stains in the toilet. (If only flushing twice
were as easy as pooping 12 times a day in public.)
The Pooper stinks up the joint and then shoves the
blame off on everyone else. A master of the poop-and-
run, the Pooper always makes sure to disappear before
others come sniffing around.
Using the bathroom after the Pooper almost guaran-
tees you'll cross paths with the next co-worker to enter
the odor dungeon after you — and thus be blamed for
the Pooper's misdeeds.
Telltale signs of the Pooper: the broccoli eater at lunch or
the person who is always walking around with a newspaper
tucked under the arm — usually both.

t's a tough world out there, my darling grads: It sucks looking
for a job — and then it sucks having one. Dealing with unsavory
co-workers is one of many challenges you'll face at your new gig.

www.redthreadmagazine.com