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LOCKER ROOM

He's The Tigers Ace (of TJ Surgery)

Orthopod Jeff Michaelson enjoys his Crackerjacks
from a plum spot — in the dugout.

By Brad Cohen

f he said "no"to a third job, you wouldn't
fault him (well, probably just a little). As
associate director of the Detroit Sports
Medicine Fellowship at the Detroit Medical
Center — as well having his own private
practice — orthopedic surgeon Jeff Mi-
chaelson wasn't begging for work.
Neither was the Huntington Woods resi-
dent, 41, looking for something to fill the
idle time afforded to any married man with
four kids at home.
But, when Michaelson was offered the
opportunity to become associate team
physician for the Detroit Tigers, he knew
he had to take it; it was a dream come true
(provided your dream growing up was to
become an orthopedic surgeon).
"My wife is really terrific," Michaelson
says of his wife, Jodi, a gynecologist.. "She
knew when I was asked that it was an op-
portunity that I couldn't pass up, and we
talked about it together — it was going
to be a big time commitment and a lot of
nights away."

Geared up for the 2011 season that
began at the end of March, Michaelson
says balancing three jobs with his family
life is often difficult, especially when he has
to spend 30 games per season at Comerica
Park.
"You're there an hour before the game
and as long as you have to be afterward;'
he says. "But my kids definitely enjoy good
tickets, and they like getting player parking
when they go to the games."
Through his sports medicine fellow-
ship at the Cleveland Clinic, Michaelson
-
already had some experience working with
professional teams when he was offered
the Tigers job.
To become the doctor for a team he
grew up watching was something special.
Yet, despite watching games at Tiger Sta-
dium when he was growing up, Michaelson
says he didn't truly become a baseball fan
until after he started working with the
Tigers.
"I would watch the game, really, with
amateur eyes," he says. Now, "I sit and I
watch the game so differently. I'm watch-
ing, trying to read their position. I'm look-
ing at the speed; I'm looking at the variabil-
ity. I'm looking at the kinds of pitches guys
are throwing!'
Having just started his third regular
season with the team, Michaelson says
he feels a personal connection to the
successes and failures of the players.
One of his favorite aspects of the
job is watching players he evalu-
ated in the minor leagues come
up through the ranks and achieve
success.
And, while becoming the Tigers'

doctor has helped him to better appreci-
ate baseball, learning the game has also
helped him become a better a doctor, too.
"The pitching staff and coaches have
taught me an amazing amount," Michael-
son says. "I take their knowledge in break-
ing down a player's throwing style, and I
can apply it to medicine."
Yet, the good doctor says the most en-
joyable part of the job is when he doesn't
have to practice medicine with the players
— because it means everybody is healthy.
Of course, during a 162-game season, play-
ers are bound to get injured. It's the nature
of the business.
Michaelson says telling a player bad
news is no different from telling any other
patient.
"Every time one of these guys gets hurt,
you're going to have to expect you're going
to take and make multiple calls to multiple
people," he says. "Talking to a player is just
like talking to any patient — that's easy ...
But having to go to the front office and tell
them that Player X is out — it makes my
heart sink. I get a little pit in my stomach."
In fact, the first time he met Tigers owner
Mike Hitch was the 2010 season when he
had tell the boss that a player was out for
the season — not exactly ideal circum-
stances to introduce yourself to a man with
championship aspirations.
It's times like those when Michaelson
might forget how lucky he is to have
reached the pinnacle of his profession.
But most days he can hardly believe he's
achieved his dream of working with a team
he grew up Watching.
"I still have to kind of pinch myself that
I'm there;' he says. Pqr

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THE GINA MONOLOGUES

If These Creeps Hit You Up, Run ... Fast!

Five typical bar characters all women should avoid.

By Gina Volpe

hat do you get when you spend a lot of time inside bars? Other than alcoholism, you also gain an
expert perspective on "bar people."While navigating the world ofJ-Date and Frumster.com can be
complicated (tip: Avoid anyone flashing a peace sign in his profile picture!), there are definitely certain
"types" of guys who troll the bar scene looking for hook-ups who should be avoided. Having logged quite an
amount of bar time in my day, I've compiled this handy list of bar characters to steer clear of:

W

THE LONE BOOZER

These are the people at whom you
make the mistake of shooting a friendly
smile because you didn't notice their
crazy eyes until it was too late. The next
thing you know, they'll invite themselves
to your table and regale you with stories
of the good old days, like back when they
had friends to go to the bar with them.
Lone boozers are alone for a reason.
They are either socially stunted weirdoes
or going through such a rough time they
don't even notice how embarrassing it is
to drink alone at the bar. Either way, they
are not fun bar mates.

PEOPLE WHO YELL,
"WOO!" AND "SHOTS!"

These idiots are probably 19 and defi-
nitely obnoxious. Associating with them
will only lead to trouble, least of which will
be a popped eardrum. What is so amazing
at the bar that it's necessary to scream,
"Woo!" every 30
seconds? If merely
being at the bar
is that exciting to
these loudmouths,
imagine how dull
their lives must be. They
also have terrible taste,
will probably request
Katy Perry and then
scream,"Woo!"when it
plays.
You'll have to
down a steady

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stream of booze to hang with this crew, as
they know that pounding "ShotsIIIII" is the
only way they can be tolerated. Unless
you like monster hangovers, avoid these
characters like the plague.

PEOPLE WHO ARE CUTE
ONLY IN DIM LIGHT

These characters are the bar equivalent
of Facebook friends who only post photos
of themselves from deceptively flattering
angles. They are incredibly easy to spot
as they always situate themselves in dim
corners of the bar. Usually wearing a hat
or a deep, face-obscuring side part, they
sit like wily crocodiles waiting for their
prey (drunks with diminished vision or
people who left their glasses home in an
attempt also to be cute in dim light).
Mingling or — heaven forbid — going
home with one of these shadow people
will result in such a wave of shame once
the sun rises, your immediate impulse will
be to return to the bar and drink away
your sorrows. This puts you at risk of again
falling into this trap and thus starting a
vicious cycle of regret.

MR. DRESSED -TO - IMPRESS

These are the creeps who inexplicably
wear a suit in the bar. They are trying to
convey how very highfalutin and impor-
tant they are; but if that were the case,
wouldn't they just be that way instead of
trying desperately to appear so?
The dressed-to-impress guy is an

uptight buzzkill
who sucks in
the sack and will
frown disapprovingly
at your comfortable
flannel pajamas. He uses
his fancy suits as a mask for his miserable
personality. Unless you enjoy getting
snide judgments, nervous stomachaches
and anxiety diarrhea, stay far away from
this one, ladies.

THE SEXUAL DANCER

Sexual dancers span all demographics.
Middle-aged bump-n-grinders are usu-
ally having a post-divorce midlife crisis
and desperately trying to prove they've
still got it. Don't get yourself mixed up
in that mess. Male sexual dancers are
chronic cheaters. All are out to find a
mate, but you do not want to mate with
these people. If skanky dance moves are
what they're offering, they must not have
much else to recommend them. Never in
the history of bars has a person who gets
on the dance floor to "get it on" demon-
strated his good character. 121°

Avoiding these standard bar
characters will keep unnecessary pain,
strife, barf, shame — and the risk of
catching crabs — out of your life.
Of course, you could simplify even
further and abide by my abridged list
of characters to avoid: All of them.

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UTE

29201 TELEGRAPH RD,
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MICHFOOT@ME.COM
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248-3554000

RED TREAD

April 2011 17