ETCETERA

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PURIM SHPIEL

Inspirational Life-Lessons of Purim

Three things they forgot to impart in Sunday school; thankfully, it's never too late.

By Dan Shere

any people think Purim is merely an
occasion to wear silly costumes and
make lots of noise with groggers —
but there is so much more. For example,
it's also the only day on the Hebrew
calendar when it's an actual mitzvah to
get drunk; or, as Michigan State students
would call it: Tuesday. The ancient story
of Purim reveals many deep insights and
inspirational life-lessons that can change
your life. Here are but a few:

LESSON NO. 1:
PLEASE AND THANK YOU
GO A LONG WAY

Many years ago, Ahasuerus, the king of
Persia, threw a huge party for his king-
dom. The festivities were lavish, featur-
ing even more treif food, inappropriately
dressed women and ostentatious displays
of wealth than a West Bloomfield bat
mitzvah.
At the party, the king demanded that
his wife, Vashti, dance naked in front of
the guests. Vashti refused. Ahasuerus, who
was drunker than a kid on a Birthright trip,
divorced the queen and banished her from
the kingdom.
The king's sexist, contemptible behavior
teaches us a valuable lesson in how not to
behave in marriage: Never demand that
your spouse strip naked in front of your
friends at a party. Instead, ask nicely.
That means saying,"Please,""Pretty
please" and even "Pretty please, with sugar

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When the results came back
positive for opium, hashish and heroin,
this friend tried to explain to the judge the
hilarious story of how the hamantashen
were obviously responsible. The judge
didn't buy a word of it but was rumored to
be a habitual hamantashen eater himself
— so my friend was able to buy him off
with a baker's dozen from Zeman's.
Such close calls can be averted in the
future, though, by following our final
life-lesson of Purim: Always keep a vial
of clean urine handy while munching
on poppy-seed hamantashen. You never
know when you'll need it.

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A good friend of mine loves
hamantashen. One Purim, he
sat down with an entire batch of
freshly baked poppy-seed beauties. He bit
into one and was apparently so overcome
by a feeling of intense euphoria that he
lost all self-control, ate the entire batch
and passed out on the floor in a state of
bliss.
Unfortunately, he didn't come around
until the next morning when he was wo-
ken by the knock of his parole officer at his
front door — there to retrieve my friend's
court-ordered, monthly urine sample.
(Those who are familiar with such
things know that poppy seed can trigger a
false positive for opiates.)

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LESSON NO. 3:
STICK WITH THE PRUNE
HAMANTASHEN

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Finding himself lonely, Ahasuerus held
a beauty contest by gathering the most
beautiful women in the empire, spending
time with each and then choosing one to
become his new queen by handing her a
rose on Persian national TV.
Esther, a young Jew that the Megillah
describes as being "of beautiful form and
fair to look upon"— or, in modern-day
parlance, a "stone-cold hottie"— entered
the beauty contest under the watch of her
uncle, Mordechai.
After much preparation, Esther"went
unto the king in the evening and returned
in the morning,"and during that seminal
night"found favor in the king's eyes more
than all the virgins."
Esther, of course, went on to become
queen and used her position to save the
Jewish people from Haman's murderous
plot. But what exactly did Esther do to win
the king over in his chamber?
The Megillah doesn't give details, but if
one reads between the lines, it's pretty ob-
vious:They engaged in a night of passion-
ate, soulful, mind-blowing mah jong.
That's right, in a critical moment, Esther,

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LESSON NO. 2:
LEARN TO PLAY MAH JONG

like so many Jewish women before
and after, turned to her exceptional
mah jong skills. And what a contest
it was! The game raged on all night,
the lead constantly changing
hands.
First, the king was on top, and
then Esther was on top. By morn-
ing's light, the thoroughly exhaust-
ed king knew that this exceptional
mah jong player would be his
future wife. So brush up on your
mahj. The fate of the Jewish people
may depend on it.

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on top"; and only then, if she still refuses
to strip, is it OK to divorce and banish her.
Be aware, though, that unless you're a
king, getting a banishment clause in your
divorce settlement can be tricky.

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