COMMUNITY

FIVE THINGS YOUR KIDS WILL LOVE

POST-DATE POST

Potty Humor, Literally

By Harry Kirsbaum

The Post-Date Post credo: It's either a good date or a great story. Bodily functions, both liquid and gas, play
starring roles this month. Excerpts from Post-Date Post.com , published in Red Thread, are done with our
promise that the author's name will be withheld.

THE EPIC JUICY FART

ri bout six years ago I went on a
idate that, to this day, I will never
ever forget.
My mom was dating this guy
named Dan. Dan's son, Adam, was
coming up to Michigan and men-
tioned Adam and I were about the
same age, 24.
Well, Adam gets up here to Michi-
gan and he's very cute ... a little
dumb, but whatever. So, Adam asks
me out on a movie date. I accept
and a few days later he picks me up.
His car was old and had bench
seats, so it wasn't two separate seats but one long
one. Well, it's broken, and pushed nearly all the way
up to the dashboard. I literally have to sit in this car
with my legs spread apart like a floozy, with my [omit-
ted] nearly plastered to the dashboard.
On the way to the movies Adam won't shut up;
this wasn't conversation, he was just blabbering; and
I realize this [omitted] is nearly drunk, if not just plain
drunk, already.
We get to the movies, and I can't even remember
what we saw but I know it was a drama. Inside the
theater there's maybe 20 people. We sit pretty much
in the middle, but we're the only ones back there.
The movie starts and this Adam joker is just being
an [omitted] ... just talking up a storm, being drunk. I
just wanna watch this movie.
Finally he quiets down and 30 minutes later I look
over to see he's passed out. Sweet! Suddenly, all is
good and I'm relaxed, and enjoying my movie and my
tasty treat. Then it happens.
Now, we all know the acoustics of a movie theater.
Slowly, and loudly, the juiciest fart starts blowing out
his ass, like, it wouldn't stop. I swear to Christ, if I'm
lying I'm dying.

This fart lasted about five whole sec-
onds — to where I could see the silhou-
ettes of everyone's heads looking from
left to right...like... OK who just sharted
all up in our feature presentation?
So, now, not only am I mortified, I'm
shaking from the silent laughter because,
through the whole fart, Adam never
wakes up.
And after the fart, he stirs around all
sleepily in his chair. I'm thoroughly dis-
gusted, hoping it doesn't smell or I'll barf,
but laughing because it was an epic fart,
nonetheless — and it was hilarious.
I never told Adam, but I did tell his dad
and my mom; needless to say, that was the alpha and
the omega of our dating.

GETTING PISSED ON ... MAYBE IT ISN'T
SO BAD?

Tt had been over a year since Mr, Right dumped me.

il had managed to avoid seeing him again, even
though we had a large number of mutual friends. I
suspect our friends worked hard to make sure they
invited only one of us at a time to parties; but then
there was a oversight.
One beautiful spring evening in Chicago, I had
settled in with a beer at a party on the second floor
of a four story walk-up, hosted by my good friends.
Within a half hour, Mr. Right walked in with a date. The
sudden urge to vomit made me realize that I wasn't
over him; I ran to the bathroom.
Looking into the mirror, I repeated over and over,
"I am a class act. I am a class act. I am a class act," until
I believed it. I was able to return to the party with a
confident smile, say"hello"to Mr. Right and introduce
myself to his date.

GET PISSED SEE PAGE 12

MAGNUM OPUS

Conversations with the 'King of Pop' Go Flat

Shmuley Boteach's Honoring the Child Spirit revisits old chats
with Michael Jackson — post mortem.

©2010 Dream

Go to redthreadmagazine.com for past columns as well as a link to the Post-Date Post website.

Singing Ogres,
Boogying to the Hustle
and, of course, Elmo

SHREKTHE MUSICAL

In the faraway kingdom of East Lansing, a green, swamp-
dwelling ogre will jump off the pages of William Steig's
books into his very own musical, along with all his friends
from his Dreamworks movies. In Shrek the Musical (with
book and lyrics by Pulitzer Prize-winner David Lindsay-
Abaire, music by Jeanine Tesori and co-produced by
Shrek fan Sam Mendes, a renowned film director in his
own right), Eric Petersen revives the role of Shrek that he
played on Broadway. 7:30 p.m. Tuesday Thursday, Feb.
8-10; 8 p.m. Friday, Feb. 11; 2 and 8 p.m. Saturday, Feb. 12;
1 and 6:30 p.m. Sunday, Feb. 13. Tickets start at $32.50.
Cobb Great Hall, Wharton Center, East Lansing. (800)
WHARTON; whartoncenter.com .

WEST BLOOMFIELD'S WINTER FEST

Celebrate the long-awaited reopening of Marshbank
Park, following two years of renovations, at Winter Fest,
where reindeer will frolic, a costumed polar bear will
mingle and families can participate in sledding, snowball
and snowman-making contests, frozen pie eating, snow-
shoeing and ice skating (weather permitting; bring your
own). Chili and other treats will be available for purchase;
everything else is free. Noon-3 p.m. Saturday, Feb. 12.
Marshbank Park, Hiller Road, West Bloomfield
Township. (248) 451-1900; westbloomfieldparks.org .

By Yoni Apap

`por readers who like their Dr. Phil filled with mysticism-lite, or their Deepak Chopra chock full of pop-culture dish,
li Shmuley Boteach's new book, Honoring the Child Spirit (Vanguard Press; 2011), might be a worthwhile read.
Advisory: Only, however, if the reader desires a rehash of every self-help cliché on the shelf. The book, transcripts

from interviews with the late musical legend Michael Jackson, offers few new insights into either Jackson or the Jew-
ish self-help genre which Boteach, with his many books and Shalom in the Home television series, has cornered the
market.
This is Boteach's second attempt to weave gold from the straw of
his conversations with the King of Pop; the first compilation included a
diagnosis of Jackson's many failings that struck Jackson's defenders as a
betrayal and Jackson's detractors as a sympathetic defense of a modern
day monster. The virulence of the responses to the first offering suggests
that Boteach, right or wrong, had hit a compelling nerve.
In this collection, however, we witness a considerably lighter touch.
Boteach mentions that he and Jackson grew apart because Jackson grew
tired of being lectured to about his failures; included in the list was Bote-
ach's warning that"his prescription drug habit was killing him."
But the star-loving cleric adamantly defends Jackson against those
who would construe him as a pedophile. Unfortunately, at no point in
the body of the work does Boteach engage Jackson with any of these
issues and, as such, the work has an insubstantial feel.
The bulk of the text is conversation rather than Boteach's interpreta-
tion. The dependence on the conversations to be self-evident is the
book's greatest weakness. Boteach's invitation tantalizingly beckons,
promising:"Your lost childhood awaits:'
Unless your childhood included a diet heavy on treacle, the invitation
Rot
m
ultimately rings hollow.The conversations tend to meander, and Boteach
Coriversarion \yid).
proves here to be neither a deeply probing nor dogged interlocutor
of Jackson. In fact, many of his questions seem to be leading Jackson,
son
M ichaci
whose answers often begin by agreeing with Boteach's statements.
The big insights offered by the conversations include statements that
"God's wonder is captured in a child" or"Children have the ability to
become jealous. But if you explain it to them, it is like a clean new slate!'
These platitudes — and there are plenty that litter the book — provide neither insight into ourselves nor Jack-
son. If you seek such perceptiveness, Boteach's earlier, more pointed and openly critical The Michael Jackson Tapes
(Vanguard; 2009) is preferable. In it, Jackson's platitudes are similar, but Boteach attempts to integrate anecdote and
interpretation more effectively.
The work is not completely unsalvageable. To be fair, Boteach's concept of the "Triple Two"— a family meal that is
two hours long, with two invited guests, and the discussion of two important subjects — is interesting and applicable
to a lot of folks who feel overwhelmed by the pressures of too long workweeks and overscheduled children's activities.
But the idea seems discordant with the tone of the interviews, which seem to dwell on no important subjects at all.
Boteach's family meal plan deserves a better platform for discussion and for dissemination.
And you deserve a much better book for your $22.95.

ION(:)RING
-1111

MILD
PIRIT

6 February 2011 I

RED THREAD

BOOGIE JR. BASH

Our favorite retro dance club hosts its popular kids'
dance party. Boogie Fever Cafe's DJ will spin classic '70s
and '80 tunes, with the occasional Hannah Montana and
High School Musical favorite thrown into the mix, for kids
ages 3-12 to do "the hustle" on the illuminated dance
floor. Face painting, clowns, age-appropriate music
videos, child-friendly snacks and a younger kids' chill-out
area will all be on hand. 2-5 p.m. Saturday, Feb. 5; $10 per
child (parents are free).
22901 Woodward Ave, Ferndale. (248) 541-1600;
boogiefevercafe.com .

BROTHERS GRIMM 'SPECTACULATHON'

The Brothers Grimm (Jacob and Wilhelm) collected and
published hundreds of German and European folktales
during their lifetime. The Village Theater at Cherry Hill
in Canton is offering up a fun and fast-paced Spectacu-
lathon in which 209 of the best Grimm tales are re-creat-
ed in one show. Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty,
Hansel and Gretel and Rapunzel and so many more will
share the spotlight. Hold on to your seats! 7 p.m. Friday,
Feb. 25; 2 and 7 p.m. Saturday, Feb. 26; 2 p.m. Sunday,
Feb. 27. $10.
50400 Cherry Hill Road, Canton. (734) 394-5300;
canton-mi.org/villagetheater.

ELMO & FRIENDS

Elmo-mania never ends for the preschool set. The ador-
able red monster giggles his way to the Fox Theatre,
along with pals Abby Cadabby, Big Bird, Ernie and more
in Sesame Street Live's 1-2-3 Imagine! with Elmo &
Friends. Through Feb. 21 (call for show times). $12-$65.
Fox Theatre, 2211 Woodward Ave., Detroit.
(800) 745-3000; olympiaentertainment.com . RT

— By Lynne Konstantin

www.redthreadmagazine.com

