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February Auctionn Dates

.

Friday the 1 ith

At 6:30 p.m.

Saturday the I 2ith

Sunday the 13th

At 11:00 a.m.

At Noon

Dear Baby ...
Name Pending

By Ben Falik

Dear baby ... name pending,

ou are wearing out your welcome. It's
been 39 weeks. Your mother is exhausted,
and your gender remains the source of
rampant speculation by extended family and
paparazzi alike. In time, I will have extensive
gender-specific instructions for you —
"sweep the leg,""change your outfit again,"
etc. — but surprises are few and ominous
these days so we thought we'd embrace this
one.
With work and luck, you'll grow up in a
world where opportunities aren't limited by
your sex, your sexual orientation, your reli-
gion or your whatever. In the meantime, we
have painted your nursery a calming shade
of gray.
I was born during an even colder January
nearly 30 years ago. In 1982, like today, the
weather seemed tropical compared to the
economic climate. Back then, Chrysler only
flirted with bankruptcy, the unemployment
rate was exceeded only by the inflation rate,
and my parents moved back to Michigan as
tens of thousands left the state in search of
greener pastures.
The best testament to the endurance and
prosperity that followed — hard work, family
ties, Family Ties — may be that I was blissfully
unaware of those tough times until long after
the last El Camino rolled off the line. I hope
that you, too, grow up amidst improving
conditions and that you are motivated less by
what we have than by what others don't.
You've chosen an interesting time and
place to be born. Twenty-first-century Detroit
is incredible — both for its unrealized poten-
tial and unimaginable absurdity. I have long
said that, if irony were a fungible commodity,
Detroit could export enough to revive the
economy.
Metro Detroit is also a great place to be
Jewish. Our community has a strong identity,
a good sense of humor — and so many opin-
ions that at least some must be right. And our
community's ironic chief export: You.
Growing up here, you'll have the education
and resources to do anything anywhere, and,
demographically speaking, "anywhere" prob-
ably won't be here. Then again, maybe trends
will change in your lifetime or you'll buck
them like your wily father.
No pressure or anything.
Of everything you'll have going for you,
your greatest advantage is your grandpar-
ents. With even a fraction of their intellectual
curiosity, creativity, resourcefulness and fidel-
ity — transmitted through extensive babysit-
ting — you can conquer the world.
I should apologize in advance for both the
countless times I will embarrass you and the
increasing likelihood that those occasions will
be captured on video. Perhaps your child-
hood would be simpler if I cut my hair, retired
my rainbow suspenders and didn't publish
prenatal prescriptions for you in Red Thread.
Your suffering will breed character.
Despite the apocalypse, now scheduled
for 2012, and your genetic predisposition for
soft-serve ice cream, you will likely live to see
the 22nd century. Maybe you'll even become
a centenarian and attend a 2112 Olympics —
in Detroit.
In the meantime, I'm optimistic the world
will keep spinning on its axis — and we'll
celebrate many balmy birthdays together
even when I'm bald and need those rainbow
suspenders to keep my pants above my belly
button. RT

T

BACCARAT FACETED BUTTERCUP
PAPERWEIGHT. MID 19TH C.. DIA 2"

CHAUNCEY BRADLEY IVES (1810-1894),
CARRARA MARBLE SCULPTURE, H 45"

LALIQUE PERFUME COLLECTION

CHR1STOFLE SILVERED VASE, C. 1930, H 16"

'What's In your Attic...?

Find out the value of your treasures at DuMouchelle's free appraisal clinics --
Wednesdays and Saturdays from )pm-4pm, we will be
pleased to accept artwork and antiques for our upcoming monthly auctions.

409 E. jTFERsoN, DF.FRorri

TEL 313.963.6255

8 February 2011 I

RED THREAD

4822
- w -ww,Dt.i.MOARr

EDITOR'S NOTE: Phoebe Wren Falik was
born January 13, 2011, with a full head of hair.

www.redthreadmagazine.com