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TORAH PORTION
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Family Struggle
Parshat Toldot: Genesis 25:19-28:9;
I Samuel 20:18-42.
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I
hat siblings don't fight?
Usually ifs over silly things
like clothes and the corn-
puter and, of course, dreaded house-
hold chores. It's absolutely normal
and we'd probably be worried about
our children if they didn't bicker from
time to time. But I'm pretty sure that
none of our children were like the
brothers in this week's Torah portion,
Toldot.
Their story begins even before con-
ception. Rebecca struggles
with infertility until God
intervenes and she finally
conceives. But from the very
beginning, Rebecca knows
that this pregnancy is dif-
ferent. Rather than feeling
the regular kicking of the
children, her boys struggle
in her womb. The Hebrew
verb is v'yitrotzzu.
We can tell that some-
thing is amiss by the
very sound of the word:
v'ytirotzzu. It sounds harsh,
rough and demanding. It
means more than simply to struggle.
It is more intensive; it means to tear
apart, to shatter, to crush one another.
The language implies that the preg-
nancy is so painful that Rebecca feels
her insides being torn apart. Her pain
reaches the point that she cries out
to God, "Why do I exist?" And God
responds, "Two nations are in your
womb, two separate peoples shall
issue from your body; one people shall
be mightier than the other, and the
older shall serve the younger."
Now, at least, she understands. And
we do, too. We are familiar with the
story of how the twins are born: com-
plete opposites. Esau, red and hairy,
aggressive — ultimately becomes the
hunter; while Jacob, pale and delicate,
passive — stays close to home. One
the favorite of his father, the other the
favorite of his mother: two sides of the
same coin, two parts of a single whole.
Jacob will deceive Esau, cheating
him of his birthright and his father's
blessing. Their life together is bitter
from the outset: v'yitrozzu. Theirs is a
struggle for survival and God's prom-
ise seems to be fulfilled.
Divine intervention caused Rebecca
to become pregnant, and divine inter-
vention will ultimately determine
the course of events — but only to a
point. At some level, each brother will
have to choose his own destiny.
The story will continue in the
weeks ahead. But even at this point
in the story, we understand that it
is a tale of family conflict, sibling
rivalry and the search for identity. Yet
the secret to the story can be found
in this portion. When
Jacob stands in front of
his father to receive the
blessing, Isaac asks, "Mi
atah b'ni?" (Who are you
my son?)
Is the question, "Which
of my sons are you?" or
instead might it be, "What
are you made of, my son?
What is your true nature?
Your true essence? What
are you searching for?"
It is important because
the answer may change
the story. Perhaps this
question echoes Rebecca's ini-
tial one to God: "Why do I exist?"
Consequently, our story becomes
less about deception and more
about finding out who we are and
what we stand for.
Even as Jacob and Esau spend their
whole lives fighting and hating, they
ultimately reconcile. But, the real end
of the story is that they don't live hap-
pily ever after — that would be too
much of a fairy tale; instead, they part
and go their separate ways.
Yet, instead of living with hate and
fear, they forgive. "Who are you my
son?" Isaac asked. They finally have
the answer, for in forgiveness, each son
finds and accepts his other half, each
brother is finally whole. So perhaps
our story has a happy ending after all.
Try answering Isaac's question:
"Who are you my son?"
What do you struggle with in your
life that can be healed through for-
giveness? How can you find wholeness
in your life?
Marla Hornsten is a rabbi at Temple Israel
in West Bloomfield.