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Repentance Vs. Forgiveness

New book looks at the implications on morality and on relationships
of taking responsibility for one's actions.

Louis E. Newman
Special to the Jewish News

Northfield, Minn./JTA

Carlton College Religious
Studies Professor Louis E.
Newman is the author of
Repentance: The Meaning
and Practice of Teshuvah
(Jewish Lights).

I

n the past several months I have
had some version of the fol-
lowing exchange several times.
I tell a friend that I've just finished
a book on repentance, and they
respond that they find the subject
of forgiveness very interesting. Its
psychologically so much healthier
to forgive than to hold on to resent-
ments, they say, signaling that they
appreciate the importance of the
subject.
The confusion of repentance and for-
giveness is widespread, it seems, and also
very telling.
Forgiveness, I explain, is what we
are called on to do when we have been
wronged by others. It is about our willing-
ness to be generous and compassionate
with those whose behavior was hurtful
and unwarranted.
Repentance, by contrast, is what we are
called on to do when we have wronged
others. It involves confession of our trans-
gressions, feeling remorseful, making an
apology, seeking forgiveness (hence the
confusion in the minds of so many), offer-
ing restitution, soul-searching and ulti-
mately uprooting old patterns of behavior
from our lives.
In these days leading up to Rosh
Hashanah and Yom Kippur, it seems that the
need to understand what repentance is and
why it matters is more urgent than ever.
Forgiveness is difficult and rare, to be
sure, but I want to suggest that engaging
in real repentance is far more difficult,
more easily misunderstood and far less
frequently practiced. Despite the many
dozens of sermons that our rabbis have
given on the subject of repentance, the
process of repenting remains something
of a mystery to most Jews (and, of course,
not only Jews). Many never take seriously
the need for repentance. Others start out
on the path of repentance but give up
when they encounter one of the many
obstacles along the way.
Repentance, in our time, has become a
lost art. Consider several examples, which
I suspect all of us will find familiar.
• The family member who regularly

RE P ENTA N CE

The Meaning

& Practice or
Teshuvah

Louis E. Newman

deflects any suggestion that he or she has
done something to hurt others by insisting
repeatedly that it's really someone else's
fault;
• The boss who can acknowledge mak-
ing mistakes but can never quite say the
words "I'm sorry," or worse, can say the
words but not express genuine remorse;
• The spouse who cheats on a partner
and apologizes profusely, but who is
utterly unprepared to do the hard work
of restoring the trust that he or she has
undermined;
• The friend who has a habit of speak-
ing harshly or acting impulsively, but lacks
the self-awareness to explore the real roots
of those dysfunctional patterns of behavior;
• The person who has promised repeat-
edly to reform her ways — to give up
smoking, to make more time for her chil-
dren, to be less judgmental of others —
yet continually falls back into old patterns.
In light of these examples — and hardly
a day goes by when we don't encounter
others — we do well to ask: What makes
genuine repentance so difficult? And why
should we even bother trying?
Repentance, what Jewish tradition has
called teshuvah —"turning" or "return-
ing" — entails nothing less than a radi-
cal transformation of our selves and our
relationship to others. It requires profound
psychological self-awareness, which
includes both recognizing our own moral
blind spots and exploring the character
traits that cause our moral lapses in the
first place.
It demands that we take full responsibil-
ity for our behavior, without hesitation
or equivocation, and then take action to

undo the effects of that behavior on oth-
ers. And if this were not enough, Judaism
teaches that the process of teshuvah is
never really finished. Each time we have
an opportunity to make the same mistake
again, we need to renounce the past and
choose a different path.
So doing teshuvah is literally an endless
process. Forgiving others for their trans-
gressions against us is a piece of cake by
comparison.
There are many obstacles on the path
to true repentance: ego, self-deception,
dishonesty and stubbornness, to name just
a few. Because we all want the approval of
those we love, it is tempting to cover up or
minimize any actions that might cause us
to lose their affection. Because we all know
that others expect us to make amends
when we hurt them, it is tempting to feign
remorse and utter empty words of apology.
But counterfeit repentance, like counter-
feit currency, has no value. We can't restore
our integrity or repair our relationships
with others by merely pretending to repent;
there are no shortcuts to an ethical life.
All of which explains why genuine
repentance is so rare. The work of exam-
ining our selves and repairing the rela-
tionships we have broken is arduous and
always has been.
The culture in which we live only com-
pounds the difficulties. The expectation
that we can find a quick fix for every prob-
lem that arises makes us less prepared to
engage in the long, morally demanding
work of teshuvah, and even less inclined
to try. When virtual friends take the place
of real relationships, we lose the impetus
to cultivate the sort of emotional honesty

that teshuvah requires of us.
The costs of ignoring the
work of repentance are not
easily quantifiable, but the evi-
dence is all around us. We see
it in the lives of public figures
— politicians and corporate
executives — who get caught
in some deceitful or fraudulent
behavior, and then baldly deny

it.

We see it on daytime televi-
sion shows, where people con-
fess their transgressions before
a live audience for their enter-
tainment, never displaying a
hint of the contrition or soul
searching that is the mark of repentance.
Most of all, we know it in those quiet
moments in our own lives when we recog-
nize that we are not living up to our own
moral standards, yet don't know how to
restore our own sense of wholeness and
integrity
The ultimate benefit of doing teshuvah
is that it offers us a way to overcome our
past precisely because we have confronted
and taken full responsibility for it. It
enables us to escape the sense of guilt —
in some cases, even despair — with which
many of us live.
In its place, we come to live with self-
acceptance and hope because we know
that moral renewal is always a possibility.
We may even discover, as the ancient rab-
bis taught, that through repentance our
transgression can be transformed into
merits. The rewards of doing teshuvah are
commensurate with the effort we expend.
This year when we celebrate the Ten
Days of Repentance, which are the holi-
est days on the Jewish calendar, we would
do well to focus on what repentance is
and what it is not. Surely it is easier to
think of this as a time to forgive others
for their transgressions against us. But it
is far more rewarding to remember that
this time is really a gift, an opportunity to
engage in searching moral introspection
about the ways in which we have harmed
others and so failed to be our best selves.
Tradition has laid out the path to fol-
low, as well as how we can work with our
internal resistance and what we stand to
gain in the process. All that we require is an
accurate understanding of what is required
of us and the will to begin anew. I

September 2 • 2010

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