I • Spirituality RABBINIC MESSAGES There's No Such Thing As 'Should've' R osh Hashanah brings together some of my favorite things: apples and honey, round challah with raisins, the call of the shofar, the joy of family gathered around the table and the idea that as we celebrate this holiday, we have returned to the beginning [of the year]; and it is a time to start all over again. That idea of beginning again is some- what confusing. It's not like we can simply wipe the slate clean and pretend the past never happened; and yet, we can't dwell on the past either. This time of year encour- ages us to move forward; to seek forgive- ness from those whom we have wronged and to engage in the process of teshuva — of repentance. When we have made teshuva, then the slate is clean and we can start fresh. Of the many names given to Rosh Hashanah, Yom HaDin, the Day of Judgment, resonates most self say, or hear people say, "I strongly with me. Especially should have ..." "I should've vivid is the image of God's Book had a V8"; "I should've called of Life that God opens to reveal my mom"; "I should've taken the fate of every human being. that job:' The thing is, you can't It is both heartening and fright- "should've:' ening If we could only look into When we make decisions, we the Book of Life — wouldn't we can only make them based on expect to see our names written the information that we have at there? But what if a name were that time. We try to make the Rabb i Marla missing? best ones possible. When later we Hor nsten This metaphor causes me look back on that choice, we can't Tempt e Israel to consider my choices care- second guess; we can't regret, fully, to ensure that my name we can't "should've' Instead, we is written there. To that end, I can be satisfied knowing that we have embraced the "you can't should've" made the best decision with the information philosophy. It is not an original idea, nor that we had at hand. If it turns out not to is it mine (I actually learned it from my have been the right choice, that's okay, too. husband); but it is one that can change us Next time, we'll have more data, more experi- for the better and help us begin again at ence; and it will help us when we have a new this time of year. choice to make in the future. How many times a day do you your- The "can't should've philosophy" gives me comfort. It reminds me that I have done the best possible; and it teaches me to be content with the choices that I have made. It further encourages me to learn from my mistakes, as we are taught through the process of teshuva. After all, it was Maimonides who taught that true teshuva means that if we find ourselves in the same situation again, and choose to behave dif- ferently (because of our repentance and newfound experience), then we have made teshuva. It's exactly the "can't should've" where we learn from the past in order to make better choices for the future. As we approach this New Year of 5771, this Yom HaDin, let us learn to make choic- es without regret, to learn from our mis- takes, so we can continually look forward with contentment hope and peace. ❑ Rabbi Hornsten is a rabbi at Temple Israel in West Bloomfield. Sarah's Lesson Of Destiny I n the Torah reading of the first day of Rosh Hashanah, we read as follows: Our Matriarch Sarah observes that Ishmael, Abraham's older son, is behaving inappro- priately. Convinced that Ishmael is a bad influence on her son Isaac, she demands that Abraham evict him from their home — a controversial response that seems unduly severe and insensitive. Initially, Abraham resists. But then God tells him "whatever Sarah tells you, hearken to her voice:' We can safely assume that Abraham's contemporaries were outraged at this behavior. But Sarah was convinced that the destiny of the Jewish people was at stake; and therefore, she would not be swayed by the opinions of others. And God personal sensitivity, most Jews validated her approach. and Jewish organizations did One of the most publicized not condemn — or even express weddings this year was the disappointment about — the marriage of Chelsea Clinton intermarriage. But Sarah's mes- and Mark Mezvinsky. To Mark's sage is that we must not be afraid credit, he proudly proclaimed to speak out and to take decisive his Judaism by wearing a tallit action. and kippah through the cer- We must recognize the emony. However, the sad fact is destructive nature of marrying Rabbi that by marrying a non-Jewish out. Most of us have friends and Elimelech woman, he violated an essential relatives who are intermarried Silberberg of Judaism; and any children that and find it awkward to express Bais Chabad he has with Chelsea will not be ourselves openly about the issue. Jewish. But study after study demon- Understandably, because of political and strates that intermarriages destroy the basic fabric of Judaism. Most children of interfaith couples do not maintain a significant con- nection to Judaism — and let's not even talk about the grandchildren! The only real antidote to intermarriage is a Torah day-school education, which grounds and immerses children in Judaism so completely that marrying out of the faith becomes unthinkable. Rosh Hashanah is the time to become an ambassador of Judaism and encourage our fellow Jews to send their children to Torah-based day schools. Rabbi Silberberg is rabbi at the Sara & Morris Tugman Bais Chabad Torah Center of West Bloomfield. Creating A Home Of Our Own S everal years ago, I was sitting with my brother at the Stage Deli in West Bloomfield. The waiter came up to the table and asked us, "What do you want?" Without missing a beat, my brother answered, "I want inner peace' He wasn't trying to be rude. He was just answering the question. As we gather for the Jewish New Year, there is nothing we want more than inner peace. We want to feel comfortable in the world. We don't want to feel so much pain. In the Torah, there is no one who embodies this sentiment more than Eve after her expulsion from the Garden of Eden. Imagine Eve after she realized what 78 September 2 • 2010 mi happened to her — that through it we dialogue with our she had been expelled from ancestors on what it is like to Paradise forever. Imagine the have so many experiences of moment she realized that she, exile and why so many of our like us, must now endure pain needs, from the time we are an and even humiliation. Looking infant to the time we die, go around at her new digs, the unmet. swamps, the mosquitoes (I We want the same thing our assume she was in the Middle ancestors wanted. We want to East?), she must have been be able to say: I have found overwhelmed by a profound the courage to live my life. I Rabbi Tamara sense of loss, confusion and have discovered a path to my Ko Iton anger. After she gained her own sense of well-being. On Birmi ngham bearings, she called out in balance, my life has encom- Te mple despair, "How do you expect me passed more joy than pain. to live out here?" I have learned how to make a home in In its core, Eve's story is valuable because this world. At the Birmingham Temple during the High Holidays, we are asking: "If we, like Eve, must live in a world where there are oil spills, floods, violence and illness, if loss can not be avoided, how can we make a home in the world? How can we make peace with our lives? How can we create a garden of our own?" Suffering is part of the human experi- ence, an unavoidable part of being alive. Our birthright is serenity, not suffering. Well-being cannot be ordered up like a corned beef sandwich at the deli. But it can be developed over a lifetime. Rabbi Kolton is rabbi at the Birmingham Temple in Farmington Hills.