Single Ladies
(Put A Ring On It)
Don't have a special Valentine? Jewish authors give tips
on landing "Mr. Right" — or a close approximation.
Suzanne Chessler
Special to the Jewish News
settle down with Mr. Good Enough, as wait-
ing for Mr. Right probably means missing
out, resigning yourself to a purgatory of
depressing dates and meaningless flings,
until, finally, no one bothers to call anymore
because you're gulp, too old.
"We tell each other: You go, girl. You get
the best. You deserve the best': Gottlieb, a
highly successful — she went to Stanford
Medical School and has authored sev-
eral books, including two optioned for
Hollywood films — single mother of a
4-year-old son via sperm donor, told Oprah
magazine."It's not so much narcissism as a
false cultural perception of our worth. We
want the 10, because we think we're a 10.
But we're missing the fact that we're not.
Nobody is. Men have flaws, but we have
flaws, too:'
Greenwald — whose book doesn't
focus on "settling" as much as on women's
behaviors that "squelch" rather than "seal
the deal" — did her research built on an
interviewing method similar to what is
ust about every day is a kind
of Valentine's Day for Rachel
Greenwald. Her home business
positions her as an international match-
maker and dating coach.
Greenwald, advising women after exten-
sive research, believes the key to finding
lasting romance has to do with making
the right impression on a first date and
explains her approach in Have Him at Hello:
Confessions From 1,000 Guys About What
Makes Them Fall in Love . . . Or Never Call
Back (Crown; $14.99).
"The universal message of Valentine's
Day is about finding love and maintaining
it:' Greenwald says. "My research looks at
what sparks that love in the beginning and
whether or not it's a predictor of that rela-
tionship being successful.
"Most of the responses I got in [post-
date] interviews for the book were based on
faulty first impressions and how
they were not predictive of what
uutt
11
RACHEL GREENWALD
someone is really like. I found
that people just don't understand
how misleading first impressions
have him
are.
at
"For singles, the message is
HELLO
that love should be something
conk:Wang from tow guys
that grows and is developed. I'm
about what makes them fall fn bee
aww call back
.
advocating giving somebody a
10111.1.11111111111.111 ■ _
second and a third date to find
that love that may not be appar-
ent in the first exchange:'
Rachel Greenwald
That sentiment is similarly
echoed in a new book by another
done during exit interviews by employers
Jewish author, 42-year-old Lori Gottlieb,
wanting to know why people are leaving
based on a theory she originally posited
their jobs.
in an article in the Atlantic. In Marry Him:
While Greenwald has commented on
The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough
dating for national TV programs, such as
(Dutton; $25.95), not only should women
Today and Nightline, and written for JDate's
give men a chance beyond the first or
JMag, her book explores 10 main relation-
second date, she suggests, but "if you're on
ship-stopping behaviors and how to coun-
the cusp of 30, you should suck it up and
j
rtitf Ifilfl 1,4111,1M.
or
le61A mut Noe
Toa
(.1.*
.. .
ed to help people not make the mistake
teract them — bossiness, blandness, insin-
that I almost made"
cerity, pickiness, long-term focus, negative
Greenwald, married for 17 years and the
revelations, meanness, past relationship
mother of three, started her college career
laments and self-absorption.
with a goal of working in academic admin-
"As a dating coach, I've seen that women
istration. With a psychology degree from
have certain patterns that don't work
Wellesley College in 1986, she earned a
but keep repeating those patterns:' says
master's degree in education from Harvard
Greenwald, 45, who lives in Colorado and
in 1987.
is married to Brad Greenwald, formerly of
After a Harvard job in admissions,
Bloomfield Hills and now an investor for
Greenwald pursued a master of business
startup companies.
administration degree and won marketing
"The patterns are individual for every-
jobs, first for a bottled water producer and
one, but whatever it is, there hasn't been
then for a jewelry company. She moved on
feedback to tell them why their behaviors
to operating her own marketing consulting
and comments on first dates and initial
firm.
communications aren't working.
"I slowly got into the dating business
"Women who haven't met the right guy
because
I had so many single friends that
presume that its more about timing and
couldn't
find the right men:' Greenwald
fate than about anything they can control,
explains. "I started fixing up my friends,
but the majority of first dates fail because
and they started getting married.
of an element that can be controlled:'
Greenwald has firsthand under-
standing about how a promising
relationship could be cut short. It
almost happened to her years ago
in Boston, where she organized a
singles party.
"Brad (son of former Chrysler
and United Airlines executive
Gerald Greenwald) and I had spo-
ken on the phone and had a great
conversation [before I invited him
to the party], but I soon saw a pic-
Lori Gottlieb
ture of him in a business directory':
she recalls. "It was a terrible pic-
"Ten years ago, the Internet was tak-
ture, and I immediately thought I would not
ing
on more of a role in the lives of single
be attracted to anyone who looked like that.
people,
and I ended up getting the idea to
"When I met him [in person], he looked
apply
business
and marketing tactics into
nothing like the photo, and we had instant
the
dating
world
and in 2003 wrote Find a
chemistry on many levels. I realized I
Husband
After
35:
Using What I learned at
dismissed him too quickly and almost
Harvard
Business
School.
missed out on the most wonderful guy in
Greenwald, active in a Reform temple
the world.
and
a volunteer for Jewish Family Services
"It got me thinking that people are
in
Denver,
maintains that Jewish women
doing this sort of thing all the time.
can
fail
on
first dates because they feed
They're jumping to the wrong conclusions
Single
Ladies
on page 55
before they give someone a chance. I want-
February 11 • 2010
53