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Candle lighting to remember
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December 10 • 2009
he death of a child is dev-
astating; and it's important
to the family that the child
always be remembered. That's why
members of the Lakes Area Chapter
of The Compassionate Friends
(TCF) participate in an annual
worldwide event designed to honor
the memories of all children, regard-
less of age, who have died.
On Sunday, Dec. 13, the chapter
will join with hundreds of organized
memorial services around the world
in the Compassionate Friends' 13th
annual Worldwide Candle Lighting.
The local candle lighting will
be part of a special non-denomi-
national service held at 7 p.m. at
Shepherds of the Lakes Lutheran
Church, 2905 S. Commerce Rd.,
Wolverine Lake (just south of
Oakley Park Road, across from
Walled Lake Central High School).
It will feature music, readings and
poems.
Speakers will
include David
Techner of Ira
Kaufman Chapel in
Southfield. He and
his wife, Ilene, lost a
daughter, Alicia Joy,
at age 8 months in
January
1978.
David Techner
Techner, a
renowned speaker on grieving for a
child, meets each year with at least
one of the TCF chapters.
Families, united in loss, light
candles for one hour during the
Worldwide Candle Lighting, held the
second Sunday in December.
"This candle lighting transcends
all ethnic, cultural, religious and
political boundaries as tens of
thousands of families share in this
worldwide memorial event," said
David Otis, Lakes Area TCF chapter
leader and father of Evan Tyler Otis,
who passed away at the age of 2 1/2 in
May 1998.
With the theme " ... that their light
may always shine the Worldwide
Candle Lighting has grown larger
every year with formal services held
last year in all 50 United States and
Washington, D.C., as well as at least
20 countries.
TCF's national Web site — com-
passionatefriends.org — will fea-
ture a Remembrance Book on Dec.
13. In a 24-hour-period, it normally
receives thousands of tributes from
family members and other caring
individuals.
"My core message to the audience
Sunday will be that everybody here
is representative of everyone's worst
nightmare: to bury a child," Techner
told the IN on Monday.
People often call him when they
lose a child because there's the per-
ception that he can somehow miti-
gate their grief, Techner said.
"But everybody's loss is differ-
ent," he said. "Everybody's loss is
their own. I can't possibly know
their experience, but I can share my
own. With Alicia, I think all the time
about the mother, wife and mother
of my grandchildren I will never
know."
"From day one when you lose a
child," he said, "your life clearly is
never the same
He and Ilene are "incredibly
blessed with three spectacular kids
and one grandchild," Techner said.
"But you cannot replace a child. It's
still a tough loss."
Sunday night, he will tell other
bereaved parents that they have
grieved for the same reason: the
death of a child. He will say you're
not supposed to have to bury a
child. But when you must, he will
say, it's a unique time for no two
people grieve alike.
At TCF meetings, Techner has
seen a 22-year-old who had to bury
a child at birth and also an 85-year-
old who buried a 55-year son who
had died of a massive heart attack.
"I think most of us can commonly
state that not a day goes by when
we don't think of our daughter or
son — where she'd or he'd be in this
stage of her or his life right now.
"Uncertainty," he added, "is prob-
ably the hardest part of being a par-
ent of a child that dies. " II
To contact the Lakes Area
Chapter of the Compassionate
Friends, call David Otis at (248)
487-2322.