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Rosie came into my office looking miserable. She
slumped in her chair and could hardly hold her head
up. She broke into tears as she described her exhaus-
6,,, 1.
tion from the demands of her job, keeping up with the
household, her husband and her kids. She also seemed
to be the one everyone turned to when they needed
something done.
Rosie truly felt she could not say "no," that it was
her duty as a human being to be there for everyone
who needed her.
BRENDA STRAUSZ
She reported that her husband helped by cutting the
grass and taking out the garbage. Her kids did almost
nothing. She felt because they were young, it was her duty to make things easy
for them.
I explained to her the
oxygen-mask analogy, my old
standby. Before an airplane
takes off, the flight attendant
-- Claudia Black, Ph.D.
informs passengers that in
case of an emergency an oxy-
gen mask will drop down, and then directs them to put on their own mask first
before helping others.
I told Rosie to envision the "selfless" people on the plane, helping everyone
else with their mask while they slowly suffocate.
I explained that it was time for her to think of herself It was time to pay
attention to her emotional, physical and spiritual health. This means eating
healthy, exercising, balancing quiet time with activity and taking time for her-
self and with friends.
It also means saying "no" sometimes. It means not being a doormat. It means
delegating chores to your husband and kids. It means making others in your life
accountable. It means giving to others but not at the expense of one's self.
"It sounds so selfish," she said. And I said what I have come to learn so well,
"It is not selfish. It is self-preservation."
Rosie began to understand her doormat mentality. She said that she grew up
in a family where she got her identify from
pleasing others. She realized that in doing
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so, she lost herself.
She understood that she was an auto-
When I Say No I Feel Guilty
matic "yes machine" when people asked for
By Manuel Smith
help because she wanted people to like her
and didn't want to disappoint anyone.
The Disease to Please
It wasn't always easy for Rosie to imple-
By Harriet Braiker
ment her new routine of putting herself first.
Some of the people in her life were used
to the status quo and were not comfortable
with the new Rosie. She had to remind herself daily of the healthy benefits of
self-care and that sometimes to save herself she would have to disappoint some-
one else.
The last time I talked with Rosie, she looked like a new person. "Now that
I have retired from being 'Master of the Universe,' I feel so much more rested,
productive and alive," she said, noting, however, that she was busy counseling
others about putting on their own oxygen mask first. Thank goodness for old
standbys.
Brenda Strausz is a psychotherapist, bypnotherapist and relationship coach who prac-
tices in the Metro Detroit area. Contact her through www.BrendaStrausz.com or at
dearbrenn@aol.com .