Arts & Entertainment

Between The Holy
And The Profane

Ricocheting from pious to promiscuous the confessions of a rabbi's daughter.

Sandee Brawarsky
Special to the Jewish News

R

eva Mann never much liked her role as rabbi's
daughter. While growing up and attending her
father's London synagogue, she was scrutinized
for her actions, expected to dress and act and speak a
certain way.
She rebelled, breaking as many rules as fellow mem-
oirist Shalom Auslander. But later she found a more
stringent Judaism and then rebelled again, rebounding
between worlds sacred and profane, pious and promiscu-
ous. Unlike Auslander, who chronicled his repudiation
of tradition in last fall's Foreskin's Lament (Riverhead
Books), Mann still loves Judaism and is still seeking a
place of meaning and comfort within Judaism.
She wrote The Rabbi's Daughter: A Memoir (Dial Press;
$24) under a pseudonym in order to protect the memory
of her late parents, but she has been widely identified,
first in the London press and beyond, as Reva Unterman.
Her father, Rabbi Maurice Unterman, was a prominent
London rabbi and her grandfather, Rabbi Isser Yehuda
Unterman, was the second Ashkenazi chief rabbi of Israel
and served in that position for 26 years. She grew up in a
flat above the Marble Arch Synagogue, where her father
served as rabbi.
While there have been many memoirs in recent years
about dysfunctional families, religious awakening and
searching, sexual experience, overcoming addiction, sur-
viving breast cancer, recovering from divorce and finding
new equilibrium, rarely have all of these themes been
taken up in one book. Mann thought of writing her story
as a novel but felt no one would find it believable.
As a child, she felt her parents' attention was directed to
congregants, with much grieving at home over her older
sister's severe mental disabilities. As she writes, it was as
though she "had fallen between the cracks of their private
and communal lives" and then turned her good girl life
into one of sexual promiscuity, drug abuse and trouble
with the law. Her parents bailed her out of many messes
and supported her. But when she began dating a gentile
man, they threw her out of their house. She returned
home when she learned that they had been secretly sub-
sidizing the rent on the apartment she shared with her
boyfriend.
Attempting to restart her life, she went to Israel with
their encouragement to study midwifery but instead was
drawn to a fervently Orthodox seminary for women, with
its daily regimen of soul-searching, prayer and study. She
exchanged her carefree secular existence for the absolutes
of the yeshiva and once again found the intensity and
ecstasy she craved — this time in the pursuit of holiness.
"I was as high on God as I was on dope she says in an

unusual mix of things shocking and healing, of
raw feelings and urges and experiences of holi-
ness. She tells her story with commendable and
sometimes painful honesty, making for compel-
ling reading. To her credit, there's no self-pity
here and even some humor. Jewish learning is
tucked into these pages, as she explains and
clarifies the meaning of the Jewish rituals and
traditions she experiences.
In a cover story, the London Sunday Times
ran before and after photos side-by-side, with
Reva Mann: Peeling back all
Mann posed in the modest dark clothing she
the layers.
used to wear with her hair tucked into a large
turban-like hat, then dressed in the tight jeans,
red leather boots and V-neck sweater she now
favors.
The book is also an intimate look into the
interview in the Manhattan apartment of a relative while
closed, fervently Orthodox world as she experienced it.
visiting from her home in Jerusalem. "When you taste
Looking back, she says that she had built a very solid base
kedusha, holiness, and you see God — it's not something
in that world and didn't question the community's mores.
you see often — when you have God consciousness, you
But when she was pregnant, with chicken pox, and told
want more."
that the fetus might be damaged, she turned to her father,
While still a seminary student, she was matched up
who encouraged her to have an abortion. With strong
with a guy from the American Midwest who was a ba'al
feelings about her sister's trauma, she followed his advice.
teshuvah, a Sheldon who became Simcha, deep into
"The moment that I didn't go to the rebbe and went
Chasidic study. Her parents were stunned by her choice
instead to my dad, when I took responsibility for my own
and thought she was making another mistake but came to life and made my own judgments, that life was over:' she
Jerusalem and hosted a large wedding with their distin-
says.
guished London friends and extended Israeli family.
Mann speaks highly of her father — "a man I loved
In Simcha, she thought she had found a spiritual guide
even during the angriest moments of my rebellion against
who would nourish her soul. Secretly, she was disap-
him" — as someone who successfully bridged secular
pointed that he gave her a prayer book for their engage-
and religious worlds, integrating contemporary concepts
ment rather than a diamond but reminded herself that he with ancient customs. She also speaks lovingly of her
was not of the material world. They had three children,
grandfather, to whom she always felt close and muses that
but their marriage was strained: She found Simcha to be
he is always pulling strings for her in heaven.
more devoted to God and his studies than to her. Drawn
"I had to peel back all of the layers:' says Mann, who
to her old life, she had an affair and ultimately got a
has no regrets about what she has chosen to include.
divorce and returned to her less pious ways.
To those who condemn her for besmirching her par-
But life was not easy: She returned to London where
ents' good names, she asserts that many of those criti-
her father was dying, later learned she has breast cancer,
cizing her have not read the book, only news accounts.
convinced her mother to move to Israel and resettled her
Mann encourages her critics to read her work; she
in an old-age home, where she committed suicide. While
believes that if they are brave enough to read, "what they
undergoing chemotherapy, Reva began writing, some-
will find is a woman struggling to come to terms with
thing she had never done before.
herself, her sexuality, her religion, her own values and
"I felt completely lost, depleted:' she says. "When you go beliefs and finding a deeper and more truthful love and
through chemotherapy, you tick off the treatments. Finally respect for the teachings of the Torah and respect for her
the last day came and I didn't know what sort of life I was family."
going back to; I had gone through so many extremes. I
For the last five years she's been with her three children,
knew that I needed a healthy life. My path to wellness was with no man in her life, no drugs, no coffee, no sugar, no
writing the book." It took five years.
alcohol. She's interested in yoga, meditation, nutrition and
Her search, first for insight and depth and then for
healthy living and is now working on a novel.
wholeness, is creative and empowering. She writes as
"My book can help anyone who has fallen into the
though she is speaking directly to readers. The book is an abyss:' she says. 0

March 6 • 2008

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