Family Focus
Raising Modern Jewish Kids
Parenting expert urges adults to focus on the big picture.
Keri Guten Cohen
Story Development Editor
T
he title of her book — Can I
Have a Cell Phone for Hanukkah?
— caught my attention:' said
Sarai Bowser of West Bloomfield. "My 11-
year-old daughter Jessi has been bugging
me for a cell phone for a while. A handful
of times, I wished she's had one, but I try
to toe the line and not splurge too much."
Bowser was among the 90 or so par-
ents, grandparents, teachers and a few
children who turned out to hear national-
ly known parenting columnist and author
Sharon Duke Estroff of Atlanta share
her wisdom about cell phones and other
modern-day parenting dilemmas.
Estroff spoke Dec. 2 at the 26th annual
Alicia Joy Techner Conference at Temple
Israel in West Bloomfield in conjunction
with the synagogue's annual Jewish book
fair.
"It's a great book title and a great mes-
sage; it struck a bell with both of us:' said
David Techner of Birmingham. He and
his wife, Ilene, sponsor the conference
in memory of their late daughter, Alicia,
who would have been 30 this year.
Estroff, whose parenting column
appears monthly in the Jewish News,
subtitled her recently published book,
"The Essential Scoop on Raising Modern
Jewish Kids." She should know.
"I have four kids ages 5 to 15, and I'm
still sane she told her audience, which
included parents of toddlers to teens. Her
children attend an Atlanta Jewish day
"That glimpse at the final goal, while
school.
admittedly a bit daunting at first, ulti-
When she was a young mother, she
mately gives us the faith and inspira-
recalled, "By day, I was a respected day
tion we need to carry out the building
school educator with
process:' she said. "The
tons of advice for anx-
parenting experience is
T 46' ES,SEKTtAL SCOOD
ious Jewish parents.
really no different from the
ON D 43 s tk4
But by night, and most
Lego experience. Lost in the
c) DERN JEW: $;: !1/4:10$
definitely on weekends,
gargantuan task of raising
Can. I Have a
I was a clueless mom,
a Jewish child in 21st cen-
drowning in the sea of
tury
America, we feel over-
Cell Phone for
pressures and demands
whelmed and confused.
Hanukkah?
that is modern Jewish
"If we can manage to
parenthood."
make out the big picture —
Her hard-earned
what we really want our kids
lessons spawned her
to become one day — we're
parenting column and
invigorated with new pur-
the book — both are
pose and direction."
marked by excellent
SNAKON DUKE ESTI/OFF, 64,A.T.
Audience members sug-
research and presented
gested qualities for the kids
in the same humorous,
in the big picture: resilient,
personal and informa-
happy, empowered, confi-
tive style as her speech.
dent and grounded in Jewish values.
She narrowed her lessons down to six,
Once the big picture is defined, Estroff
ranging from the schoolyard social jungle said, keep that future goal in mind when
to cyber socializing, to raising respect-
making decisions regarding your child.
ful kids interested in other cultures but
Like the decision about that cell phone,
defined by their own Judaism. Her idea
which she hadn't answered yet.
about keeping a big-picture perspective
"I picked Can I Have a Cell Phone
in mind really stood out.
for Hanukkah as the title of my book
To illustrate her point, Estroff spilled a
because it's the perfect metaphor for the
box of Legos onto a table, explaining that
Jewish parenting experience Estroff said.
the disconnected cubes make you feel
"You've got everything from material-
overwhelmed and perplexed. You don't
ism to technology to assimilation to kids
know what you're trying to build until
growing up too fast right there in that one
you see the picture on the front of the
little question.
box.
"Our big Jewish parent picture is the
,
Sharon Duke Estroff
answer to the cell phone question, and to
so many other questions we face as 21st
century parents. If the picture on the front
of our Jewish parent Logo box is in clear
focus and our structures are sturdy, intact
and grounded in our fundamental goals
of raising resilient, empowered, mentshlich
kids, then one little cell phone Lego, placed
in a timely and careful manner, isn't going
to send the whole thing tumbling down."
[
Can I Have a Cell Phone for Hanukkah is
published by Broadway Books, a division of
Random House.
Derech Eretz
An old parenting ally is a perfect "companion" for Jewish children.
Sharon Duke Estroff
Special to the Jewish News
W
hen my son Alex was in first
grade, he returned home one
day in a huff about a new
boy at school. Although Alex had yet to
officially meet this new kid, word on the
blacktop had it he was a bona fide brown
noser. How else could you explain why all
the teachers were bragging about him?
"Do you know this boy's name?" I asked
my son.
"It's Derek:' Alex seethed. "Derek Eretz."
Derek Eretz, Alex's teacher enlightened
me, was actually derech eretz, a Hebrew
phrase that translates literally as "the
way of the land" but is most commonly
associated with the act of showing polite,
respectful and thoughtful behavior to
people and the environment. Just prior to
Derek's debut, it turns out, my son's Jewish
day school kicked off a formal educational
program drawn from the talmudic laws of
derech eretz.
Upon learning of the now-infamous
new kid's true identity, I was immediately
flooded with relief—not because Alex
would never have to worry about meeting
Derek Goody-Two-Shoes Eretz in the flesh
but because I knew that from that point
forward, my husband and I were not alone
in our quest to civilize our children. For
we had just discovered a formidable par-
enting ally and his name was Derek Eretz.
OK, so maybe the talmudic laws of
derech eretz were written a couple of
thousand years ago, but that doesn't mean
they're obsolete. To the contrary, they're
timeless rules of decency — written in the
context of Jewish values — that are just
as relevant today as ever before. And the
best part is that we didn't write them. So
the next time we tell our child to clean up
her room, and she responds with a sassy,
"Why? It's just going to get messed up
again anyway," we needn't resort to a des-
perate "Because I said so!" We need simply
explain that taking care of one's environ-
ment is a primo rule of derech eretz, and if
she has a problem, she can take it up with
the talmudic rabbis!
The following tips will help you
embrace good old Derek as your parenting
Derech on page A34
December 20 2007
A33