To Life!
Jeffrey L. Rosenberg's
FARMINGTON HILLS KOSHER CATERING
INTERFAITH
(located inside the Adat Shalom Synagogue)
Parental Discretion
Ann Arbor
I
n my last column, "Bubble
Etiquette Part I," I talked about
the perception that many inter-
faith couples have of the meddling
parent — the mom or dad who just
can't wait to intervene in the marriage
and tell their children how to
raise their new family.
However, in my experience
with these parents of inter-
faith couples, I've found just
the opposite.
In fact, many parents are
timid about approaching
their adult children; they
don't want to come across as
interfering in the slightest
way. What you get are par-
ents who are afraid to communicate
their support and couples who are
afraid to communicate their decisions.
Unless you are someone who enjoys
unnecessary stomach ulcers, this situ-
ation is less than ideal. In my last col-
umn (July 5, page 28), I explained what
the parents could do to help. Now I'll
talk about what interfaith couples can
do to relieve their parents' uneasiness.
As an intermarried or interdating
couple, try to remember that your
parents might be more supportive
than you originally thought. I know
this sounds completely crazy, but it's
likely to be true. The best way to find
out is to tell your parents how they
can be supportive. I've always felt that
the most important move a couple can
make is to come up with an interfaith
game plan — how you plan to raise
your family.
The second most important move
is to communicate that plan to both
sides of the family. If you, for instance,
forget to explain that your son will
be raised Jewish and celebrate only
Chanukah, don't be mad at your
Christian mother-in-law when she
gives him an Advent calendar wrapped
in Santa paper.
Mike and Michelle are an example
of a couple that half communicated.
The couple decided to raise their
daughter, Rachel, Jewish. Rachel would
celebrate Chanukah, not Christmas.
However, since celebrating
Christmas was very important to
Michelle and her parents, Mike and
Michelle decided that the Christian
grandparents could give Rachel one
last Chanukah present from Santa on
Christmas morning (because Santa
knows she's Jewish).
Not knowing how Mike's Jewish
parents would accept this part of
the game plan, the couple never told
them about it. As a result, Mike's par-
ents were in for a big surprise when,
alone with Rachel one evening, she
proclaimed that Santa
was going to bring her
Chanukah presents.
Not knowing quite what
to say, Mike's parents decid-
ed to say nothing. Later
that evening, they asked
Mike and Michelle how they
should have responded.
When the couple related the
full story, Mike's parents
were perfectly fine with it.
They just wished that they had been
included.
Some parents just want to know
that their intermarried children have
come up with a game plan. During
their engagement, Mandy and John
agreed to raise any future children
they had in Mandy's faith of Judaism.
However, they feared how John's
Catholic parents would take the news,
so they decided not to tell either set of
parents.
As the wedding day approached,
both Mandy's and John's parents were
distraught that no decision had been
made. They worried that the couple
didn't care enough about their reli-
gious traditions to pass them on to
their kids. Finally, the mothers con-
fronted the couple together, saying,
"We'd rather you pick one faith than
no faith at all."
When Mandy and John explained
what they had previously decided,
John's mother was actually relieved
— not disappointed.
For the interfaith couple, few deci-
sions come easy. However, commu-
nicating your plans to your parents
can often relieve the stress. Plan out
carefully what you want to tell them.
Reassure your parents about your love
for them and your family.
Remember, your parents love you
and want you to be happy — as crazy
as that sounds. I
(
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Jim Keen is a freelance writer and col-
umnist for lnterfaithFamily.com . He is
the author of "Inside Intermarriage: A
Christian Partners Perspective on Raising
a Jewish Family" (URJ Press).
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JIB
September 6 • 2007
51