■ can you relate?

Local therapist Brenda Strausz
helps solve your relating problems.

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[Q]

I am a 23-year-old graduate student. When I visit my parents in
Michigan, I feel grouchy and out of sorts. My parents are great and well mean-
ing, but somehow all I can think of is getting back to my life. Any advice?
— Reader from Chicago

[A]

Dear Chicago reader,
Remember the old saying, "You can't go home again?" I recall visits with my
parents when I was a young adult and feeling almost suffocated by their care and
concern. In this situation, it is so easy to slip back into our childhood patterns
— and when our independence is threatened, we can become withdrawn which,
in turn, leaves parents feeling hurt and bewildered. Instead, share your feelings
with them: "Mom and Dad, you mean the world to me. But when I come home,
I feel 10 years old again and I seem to revert to some of my childhood ways."
Spend some time thinking about what you treasure about your parents and let
them know. Identify ways that the relationship can be improved and communi-
cate this honestly and tenderly with them — without attack and without blame.
With love and healing as your intent, you can hardly go wrong. Good luck!

111 W. Main St. Not'tliville,JMI

248.314.9000

RECOMMENDED READING:
Going Home Grown Up by Anne Grizzle

[Q Lately, I feel used by my friends. They seem to call me all the time for
advice or favors, but don't seem to be there when I need them. Help!
— Reader from Franklin

[A]

Dear Franklin reader,
There is truth in Dr. Phil's quote, "We teach people how to treat us." In other
words, if we don't want to get stepped on, we should get off the floor! I believe
that it is not healthy to give to others at the expense of ourselves. Write this on
all your mirrors! It is draining when we give just because we feel we should or
we are afraid our loved ones will be angry. When I honor myself and set bound-
aries, other people will honor me. It may be as simple as saying, after listening
for a while, "Amy, I really care about your problem and hope tomorrow is a bet-
ter day, but I have to get off the phone or I will be a zombie at work tomorrow."
You may feel like you are being selfish, but this is an example of self-care. When
you want your friends to be there for you, think about what you need and try
asking for it. You owe it to your friends to allow them the joy of giving to you
when you are in need.

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RECOMMENDED READING:
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith

Brenda Strausz, M.A., is a local psychotherapist,

parent educator, certified relationship coach and
certified hypnotherapist. E-mail her your questions
at relate@thejewishnews.com .

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JUNE 2007

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