can you relate?

estOoomfield Contemporary

Local therapist Brenda Strausz
helps solve your relating problems.

Q

[
] My husband and I are due to have a baby May 18. I want to do a
better job as a parent than my parents did with me. What advice do you have
for new parents wanting to raise a well-adjusted child?
—Reader from Ferndale

[Al

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Dear Ferndale reader
Your heartfelt letter has inspired me
to devote this month's column to the
importance of good mothering. I believe
that parenting is the most important
and rewarding job you will ever have.
Below are some parenting tips I wish I
had known as a young parent:
Make sure your child knows your love
is unconditional. Tell him often that
you love him no matter what grades
he gets or how well he plays the piano
and that your love for him grows big-
ger every day.
at Words can hurt or heal, tear down or
build up, so choose them carefully.
"I love you. I believe in you. I am so
glad you are my child." These are the
kind of words that can make your
child light up and greatly increase
self-esteem.
a* Listen to your child with your whole heart and be a part of her world. When
you listen without judging, she will feel free to share her fears and hopes with
you. And we all need to be validated: "It hurts not be invited to Jacob's party,"
is very validating, whereas, "Don't be a baby. You can't be invited to everything,"
dismisses your child's feelings and leaves her confused and disoriented. She will
not learn to trust herself if she is made to think that her feelings are wrong.
• Set healthy limits: Actions can be limited, even while acknowledging feelings.
"I know you are very angry at your brother right now, but I cannot allow you to
hit him."
g Give choices at every opportunity. When a child has a choice between Wheaties
or Cheerios, he feels happier and in control.
• Children need time with you doing simple things. When asked about their
favorite childhood memories, my children and their friends do not mention the
cruise or the Cancun vacation. Instead, with dreamy eyes, they recall the night-
time pajama walks, the visits with out-of-town relatives, singing in the car, cud-
dling together in bed with piles of books, nature walks when a butterfly landed
on their finger.
Traditions are vital to strengthening the threads of family, whether they are regu-
lar family dinners or religious worship together. Psychologists cite both of these
as crucial factors in healthy child development.
Na Make your home a laughter zone. Share funny stories, make up goofy songs for
each other, read the comics together. Laughter is healing, and it makes us feel
expansive and connected.
al Spend time with extended family. The grandparent/grandchild relationship is
very important, and studies show that children who have strong relationships
with grandparents tend to do better in school, have a stronger sense of family
and have less problems with drugs and alcohol. ❑

RECOMMENDED READING:
The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose by Chick Moorman

Brenda Strausz, M.A.., is a local psychotherapist,

parent educator, certified relationship coach and
certified hypnotherapist. E-mail her your questions
at relate@thejewishnews.com .