Arts & Entertainment
The Pursuit of Passion from page 51
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54
April 26 • 2007
JN
"Though I doubt they ever used the
Perel disagrees with those among
word:' she writes, "they embodied its
her colleagues who would say that
mystical meaning as a quality of alive-
sex is a metaphor for the relationship
ness, a pathway to freedom — not
and that improving the emotional
just the narrow definition of sex that
connection will similarly enhance the
modernity has assigned to it:'
sexual connection. She sees sexual and
She also speaks of discovering tal-
emotional intimacy as two separate
mudic stories that she
languages.
found "utterly brilliant"
"I would like to restore
in their understanding
the body to its rightful
of the tension between
prominent place in discus-
the domestic and the
sions about couples and
erotic.
eroticism. The body often
In the book, she
contains emotional truths
retells a story about
that words can too easily
Rabbi Bar Ashi, who
gloss over;' she writes.
would stand before
"It's not that I'm against
God every night and
closeness," she says, but
beg to be saved from
Psychothe rapist Esther suggests that couples keep
the evil urge. One day,
some mystery between
Perel: The "new Dr.
after overhearing him,
them, that less talk can
Ruth."
his wife dressed herself
be more. She writes about
up as a prostitute and met him. Later
fantasy, the importance of playfulness,
on, at home, he confessed to his wife
infidelity and the challenges of parent-
and when she admitted that it was she, hood. In Perel's view, sexlessness tran-
he was still distraught as he "intended
scends religion and background.
the forbidden
That she has written this book
The author points out that Judaism
sometimes surprises Perel. A talented
never embraced a culture of celibacy.
public speaker, who led New York City's
When asked about whether the tradi-
Downtown Salon for several years, she
tional laws of family purity, with their
didn't think "paper was where I'd land."
prescribed separation, are a protec-
For about five years, she had been,
tion from the kind of over-familiarity
as she describes, an author in search of
among couples that she describes, she
a topic, when the editor of the profes-
dismisses that as a modern interpreta- sional journal Psychotherapy Networker
tion.
asked her what she was thinking
Perel's family's background is fer-
about.
vently Orthodox, although her parents
"I'm thinking about Americans and
left that world. She's related to the
sex;' she replied, aware that it made for
Gerer rebbe and does a lot of work in
interesting dinner conversation, but
the Orthodox community.
not sure she had enough material. So
Among her clients are those who
she wrote an article; actually, she wrote
have sex frequently, with desire not
11 versions of the article before it was
located in the self but in the larger
published and then republished in the
mitzvah, something holy and tran-
Utne Reader, where it was spotted by
scendent. But when they come to see
several book agents.
her, "the system isn't working." When
Several translations use variations
she works with these couples, she also
on the cover. In the Hebrew and British
deals with their rabbis.
editions, the bed sheets are white. The
"They come to me because I'm not
German features a red lily, and the
Orthodox. I speak Yiddish but I'm
Spanish cover carries a red sneaker
not an insider;' she explains. "Being
and a black high heel. A few make
a Jew is the central part of who I am,
use of the title of her original article,
my world view and sensibility, how I
"Erotic Intelligence." E
think:' she says, adding, "I consider my
Jewish identity the ultimate cosmo-
politan identity. I have a very European
view. I don't belong anywhere, but I
have access to the world:'
From May 11-13, Perel is leading a
She doesn't identify as an American
weekend workshop based on her
Jew nor with the experience of the
book at the Omega Institute in
hundreds of American Jews she has
Rhinebeck, N.Y. For information,
worked with over the years. But she's
call (800) 944-1001. For more
likely to identify with a Jew from
upcoming events, go to
places like South Africa or Argentina
"in a second."
www.estherperel.com .