Arts & Entertainment
The Pursuit Of Passion
With her debut book on sex and intimacy, Belgian-born
psychotherapist Esther Perel is capturing the attention
of readers, journalists and producers.
Sandee Brawarsky
Special to the Jewish News
I
open Esther Perel's new book on the
Manhattan bus, and I know that my
seatmate is staring at the cover photo
of a man and woman in bed, not touching
beneath the red sheets.
Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the
Erotic & the Domestic (HarperCollins;
$24.95) has caught his attention, but he
maintains the bus rider's code and doesn't
ask about it. Perel's book has also captured
the attention of large numbers of readers,
journalists and producers.
Recently, the Belgian-born psychothera-
pist has been profiled in Vogue, covered
in People and featured on Oprah. Perel's
talking a lot about sex and intimacy, and
the talk often turns to sexlessness among
committed couples.
"Love flourishes in an atmosphere of
closeness, mutuality and equality," she
writes. "We seek to know our beloved, to
keep him near, to contract the distance
between us. We care about those we love,
worry about them and feel responsible for
them. For some of us, love and desire are
inseparable.
two decades and traveled a lot around the
"But for many others, emotional intima- world, and so sees herself as a cultural
cy inhibits erotic expression. The caring,
hybrid, observing from the sidelines.
protective elements that foster love often
She doesn't hold to what she says is a
block the unself-consciousness that fuels
very American belief, that all problems
erotic pleasure!"
have solutions. Rather, she tries to show
The book, her first, is part theory, cul-
different ways of looking at issues, trying
tural analysis and practical advice. Based
to promote understanding.
on more than 20 years of research as well
This reporter recently met up with Perel
as counseling couples of all backgrounds
in a Manhattan cafe, just before she was
and ages — straight and gay, married and
off to Brazil to launch the Portuguese edi-
not — the book includes many stories of
tion of the book.
real people in loving, long-term relation-
Perel doesn't easily sit still — she jumps
ships who find that increased intimacy has up to clear a table when she spots an
been accompanied by decreased sexual
opening in a quieter corner of the cafe.
desire. Not all of the stories have happy
She speaks rapidly, in an accent that's not
endings.
easily identifiable, perhaps a blend of the
"The challenge for modern couples lies
eight languages in which she is fluent.
in reconciling the need for what's safe and
In her therapeutic work, she uses most
predictable with the wish to pursue what's
of them, sometimes changing languages
exciting, mysterious, and awe-inspiring:'
every hour. She deals with Europeans,
she writes.
Haitians, West Africans, fervently Orthodox
A couples and family therapist in private Jews and others.
practice, Perel, in her late 40s, does a lot of
"I live New York in the full sense;' she
work related to cultural identity and ethnic says.
and religious intermarriage. Growing up
Perel is direct and articulate, comfort-
in Antwerp, she's attended university in
able talking about sex and eroticism, and
Jerusalem, lived in the U.S. for more than
her life's journey from Louvain, the ancient
mating in
captivity
Reconciling the Erotic + the Domestic
ester oerel
Mating in Captivity asks the question,
"Can we want what we already have?"
Belgian university town where she was
born, to the loft in Soho that she shares
with her husband, Jack Saul, the director of
the International Trauma Studies Program
at Columbia University, and their two sons,
ages 10 and 13.
She met her husband when she came
to study in the U.S. for what she thought
would be one year, after graduating from
Hebrew University. Saul was her unofficial
thesis adviser and a mentor. (She still has
her return ticket.)
She is the child of Holocaust survivors,
and she relates her perspective to her par-
ents' outlook on life. Growing up in a com-
munity of survivors, she came to recognize
a certain type among them, a bit unusual,
like her parents. The sole survivors of their
families who came very close to death
themselves, her mother and father were
decidedly connected to life. They lived
with exuberance, reclaiming their spirit of
adventure and enjoyment.
While she knows nothing about their
sex lives except that they had two children,
she senses that they had a deep under-
standing of the erotic.
The Pursuit of Passion on page 54
Tips From An Expert's Lips
Dr. Ruth Westheimer
speaks at Congregation
Shaarey Zedek's
"Woman's World 2007."
p
eople magazine named Dr.
Ruth Westheimer one of the
most intriguing people of
the 20th century. For more than 30
years, her blend of Borsht Belt humor,
extraordinary candor in discussing the
most intimate of sexual issues and
extensive knowledge of human sexual-
ity has kept her in the public eye.
The author of 30 books, her appeal
has led to wide use of the mass media
to spread what she has labeled "sex-
ual literacy" through television, books,
magazines, newspapers, games, home
video, computer software and
country's independence as
her own Web site,
a member of the Haganah.
www.drruth.com .
After studying at the
Get ready to laugh and
Sorbonne in Paris, she
learn with the world's
immigrated to the U.S. in
best-known psychosexual
1956, earning her master's
therapist during Sisterhood
degree in sociology at
of Congregation Shaarey
the New School of Social
Zedek's "Woman's World
Research. In 1970, she
Dr. Ruth Westheimer
2007," when she will pres-
received a doctorate of
ent "Tips from the Lips of Dr. Ruth."
education in the interdisciplinary study
In addition to Westheimer's talk and a
of the family from Teachers College,
luncheon, the all-day May 8 event fea-
Columbia University's Graduate School
tures an international themed gift/art
of Education.
show with an emphasis on Judaica.
Currently, Westheimer is an adjunct
Born in Germany in 1928,
professor at New York University and
Westheimer was sent to a school in
an associate fellow at Yale University.
Switzerland that became a refuge for
In addition to having her own private
her and other German Jewish students
practice, she frequently lectures
to escape the Holocaust. Eventually
at universities across the country
sent to Israel at 16, she fought for the
and has twice been named "College
Lecturer of the Year."
Lately, she has been reaching the
younger generation by teaching pup-
pets how to read on the PBS series
Between the Lions. The mother of two
and grandmother of four, Westheimer
resides in New York City. 77
The Sisterhood of Congregation
Shaarey Zedek presents "Woman's
World 2007" 9 a.m.-4 p.m. Tuesday,
May 8, at Congregation Shaarey
Zedek, 27375 Bell Road, Southfield.
Dr. Ruth Westheimer will speak at
noon, with luncheon immediately
following. General admission tick-
ets are $45; patron tickets are
available. For tickets and further
information, call Laynie Langnas at
(248) 357-5544.