30 Well,

Arts & Entertainmen

"There's a hell of a differ-
ence between wisecracking
and wit. Wit has truth in it;
wisecracking is simply cal-
isthenics with words."

sue me."

"We have to believe in free
will. We have no choice."

Out Of The Mouths
Of Jews

Match the Jewish personality
with his or her quote.

1

"I kid you not."

"I think your whole
life shows in your
face, and you should
be proud of that.",,,

24

"I believe in compul-
sory cannibalism. If
people were forced to
eat what they killed,
there would be no war."

"It's always the \
old to lead us to
war. It's always the
young to fall."

I

1

2

"The most expensive
habit in the world is
celluloid, not heroin, and
I need a fix every two
years."

"When a man points a
finger at someone else, he
should remember that four
of his fingers are pointing
to himself."

"Stand firm in your refusal
to remain conscious dur-
ing algebra. In real life,
I assure you, there is no
such thing as algebra."

"A successful parent is some-
one who raises a child who
_ grows up and is able to pay for
his or her own psychoanalysis."/

"Trust yourself.
You know more
than you think
you do."

"We have two lives ...
the life we learn with
and the life we live
with after that."

BB. Isaac Bashevis
Singer
CC. Susan Sontag
DD. Benjamin Spock
EE. Steven Spielberg
FF. Gertrude Stein
GG. Tom Stoppard
HH. Barbra Streisand
II. Steven Weinberg
JJ. Marianne Williamson
KK. Herman Wouk
LL. Ed Wynn

M. Henry Kissinger
N. Ann Landers
0. Fran Lebowitz
P. Richard Lewis
O. Maimonides
R. Bernard Malamud
S. Golda Meir
T. Bette Midler
U. Louis Nizer
V. Phil Ochs
W. Dorothy Parker
X. Joan Rivers
Y. Ethel Rosenberg
Z. Rita Rudner
AA. William Safire

"How much reverence can you
have for a Supreme Being who
finds it necessary to include
such phenomena as phlegm
and tooth decay in His divine
system of creation?"

454

44

"If you want to make
peace, you don't talk to
your friends. You talk'
to your enemies."

"Bachelor ... A man
who never makes the
same mistake once."

"Life is pain ...
Anybody that says
something different is
selling something."

"Eternity is a ter-
rible thought. I mean,
where's it going to
end?"

"We don't want so much
to see a female Einstein
become an assistant pro-
fessor. We want a woman
shiemiel to get promoted as
quickly as a male shlemiel."/

"Men with pierced ears are
better prepared for marriage
— they've experienced pain
and bought jewelry."

I

"Television has
proved that people
will look at anything
rather than each /
other."

"When it's three
o'clock in New York,
it's still 1938 in
London."

1

36

"I don't have
ulcers, I give
them."

„./

"The more the universe
seems comprehensible,
the more it also seems _
,,or
pointless?'

For the answers, go to
page 48.

"No two countries that
both have a McDonald's
have ever fought a war
against each other."

,;(-

4

"A man who lies, thinking
it is the truth, is an honest
man; and a man who tells
the truth, believing it to
be a lie, is a liar."

"In spite of every-
thing, I still believe
1
peop le are really
good at heart."

"There cannot be a
crisis next week. My .
schedule is already full."

"Not only is there no
God, but try getting a
plumber on weekends."

22

Match the
quotations to these
Jewish personalities:
A. Bella Abzug
B. Woody Allen
C. Lauren Bacall
D. Harry Cohn
E. Moshe Dayan
F. Nora Ephron
G. Anne Frank
H. Thomas L. Friedman
I. William Goldman
J. Joseph Heller
K. Abbie Hoffman
L. George Jessel

"There is not one
. female comic who
was beautiful as a
little girl." a

"What pornography
is really about, ulti-
mately, isn't sex but
death."

"Our deepest fear is not
that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that
we are powerful beyond
measure. It is our light,
not our darkness, that
most frightens us."

"Success to me is
having 10 honeydew
melons and eating
only the top half of
each one."
'

"When I find the road narrow,
and can see no other way of
teaching a well-established truth
except by pleasing one intelli-
gent man and displeasing 10,000
fools — I prefer to address
myself to the man."

"We are the first
victims of American
Fascism."

"When the Arabs
love their chil-
dren more than
they hate us,
then there will be
peace."

"The Jews have produced
only three originative
geniuses: Christ, Spinoza /
and myself."

"Comedian from hell."

— Compiled by Arts &
Entertainment Editor Gail
Zimmerman from The Yale
Book of Quotations; edited
by Fred R. Shapiro

December 21 a 2006

45

