[CAN YOU RELATE?] Local therapist Brenda Strausz helps solve your relating problems. Meet one of the faces of success S. David Nathanson, M.D., a board-certified surgeon and director of the Breast Clinic at Henry Ford Medical Center—West Bloomfield, and member of the Henry Ford Medical Group, talks about a former patient who has had a major influence on his life. There are many aspects of patient care and management not taught by other doctors or in medical texts. Learning from my patients has been a theme throughout my career. One, in particular, taught me a great deal. When I was a fellow at UCLA, I treated a 23-year-old woman with a malignant tumor. She couldn't walk and was in tremendous pain. Her other doctors had given up hope. My chief, an internationally renowned physician who is still in practice, and I treated her in a totally unconventional manner. He was known as a maverick, and these particular treatments were not out of the textbooks. Everybody thought we were nuts. She hovered near death for three or four months, undergoing radiation treatments, chemotherapy and having a number of major surgeries. She spent a lot of time in intensive care. Eventually, with a lot of additional coaxing from her family, she turned the corner, put on weight and started to walk again. My fellowship ended six months later, and I left UCLA. I didn't really appreciate at the time that she had become dependent on my care and was devastated when I left. Due to her ongoing needs, we remained in contact for years. I became her confidant, sharing in her triumph when she got her master's degree in speech therapy and took a position in the Los Angeles school system. When I visited my family in L.A., we would meet for lunch. She eventually married a man with three children and we lost contact with each other about four years ago. A few months ago, I received a letter from her husband, telling me she had died suddenly, one day before her 5oth birthday. She had lived a remarkable 27 years after that dramatic, mav- erick treatment at UCLA. This patient has had a tremen- dous impact on me and made me a better physician. I have learned from many patients, and I saw real gutsiness in this woman. She was never free of suffering, always in pain, but no one would ever know it. After such dramatic treatment the pain was inevitable, but that treatment saved her life. What physicians learn in medical school, residency, training and fellowships is important. It's scientifically based and very valuable. We've seen tremendous technological advances during my years in practice. We couldn't manage to do what we do without those things, but there are many hidden, subtle, unexplainable, healing attributes that physicians can develop. I believe these are key to the most important aspect of patient care. I've trained in many different places, beginning with the University of Witwatersrand Medical School in Johannesburg, South Africa, and have medical skills. Those skills are important, but I know I need to be tolerant of all sorts of ideals and beliefs, and not try to interpret my patients' emotions and feelings. I may have a small inkling of what they're experiencing, but I can never know completely. To make it a complete healing experience for my patients, I always need to listen to, and learn from, what my patients are telling me. Q My husband left me for another woman two years ago and I am still filled with rage toward him. How can I get over this and move forward? — Reader in Royal Oak 18 • DECEMBER 2006 • JNPLATINUM — Reader in Southfield A Dear Royal Oak Reader, It is understandable that after a divorce caused by an affair you would be struggling with feelings of anger. You are still grieving over the loss of the relationship, and this is a necessary stage in the mourning process. At this time, forgiveness may seem like an impossible task. However, a common misconception about forgiveness is that it condones the wrongs done against you, when actually it is more about letting go of the hold the other person has on you. It has been said that unforgiveness is like drink- ing rat poison and expecting the rat to die. You are only poisoning yourself by letting this bitterness consume you. There are a number of strate- gies that can help you redirect your energy toward creating a new and exciting life for yourself. You can journal regularly about your angry feelings, make a list of your strengths and read it daily, and set small weekly goals for yourself and take time to incorporate self-care activities into your schedule. It can also be very empowering to visual- ize placing your anger in bags and dumping them into a river and then imagine yourself enjoying a full, rich life! Recommended Reading: Forgiveness: A Bold Choice for a Peaceful Heart by Robin Casarjian. Brenda Strausz, M.A., is a local psychotherapist, parent educator, certified relationship coach and certified hypnothera- pist. E-mail her your questions at relate@thejewishnews.com . For more information or to make an appointment call i-Soo-HENRYFORD or visit our Web site www.henryford.com Q My husband and I have two kids under 5. I am highly stressed at work and find myself being short with my family. Please help! A Dear Southfield Reader, It has been said that people will forget what you say, but they will never forget how you make them feel. First, it is crucial that you do whatever you can to reduce the stress in your life. Then focus on learning skills that enable you to respond rather than react. There are just a few seconds between an activating event (your child spilling milk, for example) and your response. In this short time it helps to take a deep breath and consid- er the power your words have to either enhance your relationships or damage them. It may help you to visualize a ladder. On the bottom rungs of the ladder are negative ways of relat- ing: arguing, belittling, blaming. The top rungs are positive ways of relating: listening, understand- ing, validating. It is important to ask yourself where you are on the ladder; relationships are always enhanced when you are on the higher rungs and always hurt when you are on the lower ones. The more you become conscious of your responses, the more peaceful and loving your relationships will be. Recommended reading: The Relationship Cure by John Gottman.