To Life!

SP1RTUALITY

28 Hours

Rabbi endures death of his elderly parents
as well as unexpected loss of his brother.

The Yoskowitz brothers,

Herb and Jay, together
in their youth (1950,

Prospect Hotel, South

Fallsburg, N.Y.) and as
adults.

Rabbi Herbert A.
Yoskowitz
Special to the Jewish News

I

n a 28-hour period from
May 1-2, 3 Iyar-4 Iyar, my
whole world changed. On
May 1 at 12:30 p.m., my mother,
Nettie Kreiger Yoskowitz, z'l,
died. I heard the news via cell
phone. Ironically, I was already
in my parents' hometown of
Brooklyn, having flown there
immediately after learning that
my father, Harry Leo Yoskowitz,
z'l, was critically ill. The news of
my mom's death, while not unex-
pected, was a shock. My grieving
had begun.
Although separated physically,
Mom and Dad had prayed to die
together just as they had lived
a very fruitful and productive
life together for 66 years. Their
prayer was granted at 7:58 p.m.
that same day when Dad died.

While my brother, Jay, and I were
not at our mom's side when she
died, we sat with our dad saying
loving words to him as his body
moved towards death.
When Dad died, our sta-
tus immediately changed.
We became "orphans." At that
moment I was not "the rabbi";
I became what my friend Susie
Graham called "a member of a
very prestigious club that I did
not choose."
We honored our parents'
wishes and worked together to
give them loving funerals, which,
as Jay said to me as we left their
graves on the next day, "`were just
right — this was just what Mom
and Dad would have wanted."
Although my mom and dad
served many communal and
private organizations, my par-
ents derived most pleasure and
pride from their family. At each
of their 90th birthday celebra-

tions, they said their lives were
complete. Their children and
grandchildren all had Jewish
day school educations, were
all strong Zionists, were parts
of good families, were fulfilled
in their work and were good
people. And they dreamed, when
the time came, of dying together.
As a son, my grief is modified by
knowing that Jay and I, aided by
our wives and children, helped
them to achieve their dreams.
Jay's death of a heart attack,
just 21 hours after my father's,
was another matter. I loved and
respected him deeply. But his
song of life was not completely
sung. He had so much more liv-
ing and giving to do. Hundreds
of my and Jay's colleagues wrote
words of tribute and of anguish,
some in the same sentence. One
colleague, who worked with and
for Jay when he was the execu-
tive director of the United Israel
Appeal, wrote, "The world has
lost one of the 36, and I have
lost a piece of my soul." (The
"36" refers to the 36 righteous
people believed always to exist
secretly in the world.) Indeed •
my soul, too, feels diminished by
Jay's death. "I grieve for you, my
brother ... you were most dear to
me. Your love was wonderful to .
me." (II Samuel 1:26.)
As I write this during the
Shloshim period (the 30 days of
mourning), I find that grieving
for my entire biological family is
much harder than I could ever
have anticipated. The work of
mourning finds me feeling as
though I am living a bad dream

feelings of a grieving sour
surrounded by some
(B.erakhot 46b.)
kind of numbness.
After the death of his brother,
At the same time,
I am learning that
• David, Moses Maimonides wrote,
"Were not the study of the Torah
what I know and
have taught intel-
my delight, and did not the study
of philosophy divert me from
lectually is true.
There is a brilliance
grief, I should have succumbed
in my affliction." (Sherwin B.
in the Jewish rituals.
Nuland, Maimonides, page 92.)
The rituals of kriah
. (tearing a garment as Maimonides grieved deeply for
his brother, as I do for mine. The
a sign of morning),
shivah (seven days of study of Torah diverts me from
mourning), Shloshim, my grief just as it has done for
Maiinonides and for others.
Kaddish (prayer said after a
The sweet companion of my
close relative's death) and the
Kaddish minyan have provided a youth, the teammate of my ado-
lescence, the cherished confidant
framework to help me to adjust
of my adulthood will always be
in a world now absent of essen-
with me.
tial people in my life.
Had Jay lived longer, he would
In addition to Jewish rituals,
have continued to help Israel as
what has helped me? My family
an American Jewish leader. Now
surrounded me with their love
in his name, we continue our
and took care of me. I was not
support for Israel and for all the
mourning alone. My cherished
Jewish people to keep his vision
Adat Shalom family gave me
and dreams alive as I will always
their empathy and their car-
keep his memory alive. fl
ing; some flew to New York to
be with me. Other members of
the Detroit Jewish community
Contributions may be made to the
and of the interfaith community
"Jay Yoskowitz Israel Scholarship
comforted me.
Fund" at Adat Shalom Synagogue.
I can't tell you enough how
blessed I feel to
be a rabbi in our
community. My
congregation
and our com-
munity have ful-
filled the mitz-
vot of kavod
hamet, honor-
ing the dead, and
nihum aveil,
comforting the
mourner, in an
exemplary, com-
forting way.
"I have been
comforted by
our tradition
which teaches
us via a debate
between Rabbi
Akiva and the
Sages to accept
The Yoskowitz family: Herb and Jay and their
death while
parents, Nettie and Harry.
respecting the

.

May 25 • 2006

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