aro Break The Silence! Domestic abuse expert to speak to public and professionals. Ronelie Grier Special to the Jewish News ova S. had no idea her hus- band had a temper until three months into their marriage. In the middle of an argument, he picked up a ham- mer he had been using to fix the sink and smashed it into the wall less than two inches from her head. Within weeks, these kinds of incidents began to occur regu- larly. Prior to that day, Tova had never seen this aspect of his per- sonality, nor had anyone else who knew him. When Tova expressed her dismay at the sudden appear- ance of this behavior, he respond- ed,"In my own home, I can be . myself" "There was never any physical violence, so it was hard for me to accept that he was abusive," said Tova, "and I never knew what would provoke him. I always thought that, somehow, it was my fault for not being a better wife." Unfortunately, Tova is not alone with her story of mistreatment and degradation; spousal abuse within the Jewish community is as prevalent as it is among the general population, where it affects 1 to 3 million women and more than 3 million children each year. In the United States, a woman is beaten every 15 seconds, and domestic violence is the leading cause of injury between the ages T of 15 and 44 — husband was doing more than car acci- wasn't right, but I dents, muggings and disassociated. I rapes combined. tried to tell myself Every day, three it wasn't so bad. women are mur- And I didn't tell dered by their part- anyone else about it ners. for a very long "Break the time!' Silence! End the Tova filed for Violence!" a free divorce once, and presentation on her husband react- Rabbi Twer ski domestic abuse in ed by showing Jewish families, will remorse, promising be presented at 7 to change, and p.m. Wednesday, Jan. 11, at the assuring her things would be dif- Jewish Community Center in ferent. West Bloomfield. The program is According to Ellen Yashinsky- co-sponsored by Jewish Family Chute, JFS clinical director, this Service of Metropolitan Detroit, dynamic fits into the typical National Council of Jewish three-stage cycle of an abusive Women Greater Detroit Section relationship: the tension-building and the Daniel B. Sobel stage, where the victim feels as Friendship House, with support though she is walking on from a grant by the Jewish eggshells, her partner is moody Women's Foundation of and easily agitated and there is a Metropolitan Detroit. sense of heightened anxiety; the The speaker is Rabbi Abraham acute/abusive stage, where the J. Twerski, M.D., a renowned tension erupts and intense physi- speaker and prolific author of cal, emotional and/or verbal books on spirituality, self-esteem, abuse occurs; and the honey- addiction and recovery, and moon stage, where the abuser domestic abuse. Rabbi Twerski is apologizes, attempts to make up the founder and medical director with romantic gestures such as emeritus of Gateway flowers and finally convinces the Rehabilitation Center, a non-profit victim that he is sincere. The cycle drug and alcohol treatment pro- then begins all over again, usually gram in western Pennsylvania. within a short time. "Emotional abuse can cause According to Yashinsky-Chute, deeper harm than physical the typical abuser is extremely abuse," said Rabbi Twerski. jealous, unable to cope with stress "Insults should not be tolerated!" and is constantly blaming others Tova said, "I knew what my for his problems, both at home and in the workplace. He is often described as "charming" and exhibits an air of grandiosity, when he actually has very low self-esteem. He is susceptible to mood swings and is often, although not always, a substance abuser. His wife or partner often has low self-esteem, is emotionally . and/or economically dependent, isolated and frequently feels guilt, anger and shame. "It's such a frightening experi- ence to fear another individual who says he loves you:' said Susan P., who lived with an abusive hus- band for more than 20 years. "It was terrifying, but I thought it was my fault. I just wanted to die. "I know there are other Women out there who dread walking . through their own front door because there's a maniac inside that house said Susan. "They think there's no other way. I never knew I had the courage and strength within me to leave. It was like being in a concrete tunnel underground. "If you're frightened, tell some- one," said Susan. "There are peo- ple who will help you. If you don't, it's your own private hell." According to Rabbi Twerski, overcoming the denial and acknowledging the problem is the first step, followed by professional help from someone who is trained to deal with these issues. "When there are signs of abuse, get to a counselor immediately," said Rabbi Twerski. "Don't think that if you just make a better kugel, your marriage can be saved." Although the woman is the vic- tim in most cases, there are instances where the husband is abused by his wife. According to Rabbi Twerski, these situations usually involve emotional abuse and occur when the woman has more money than her husband and exerts power and control through financial means. To build and maintain a healthy and loving marriage, Rabbi Twerski suggests following three of the major themes that are found throughout Jewish prayer: being thankful to God, expressing love for God and, when wrongdo- ing occurs, admitting one's sins and asking for forgiveness. "It is important to say,`Thank you, I love you' and 'I'm sorry, please forgive me:" said Rabbi Twerski. El At 9 a.m. Thursday, Jan. 12, Rabbi Twerski will conduct a special training session for clergy and professionals who work with people in abusive relationships. The session will be at the JFS Orley Building on Maple Road in West Bloom- field. Reservations are required for the free Thursday morning program. For more informa- tion, contact Ellen Yashinsky- Chute at (248) 592-2666. Signs Of Domestic Abuse • Does he try to isolate you from family and friends? • Does he expect you to spend all of your free time exclusively with him? • Does he want to know your whereabouts at all times and becomes angry when you are not available? 26 January 5 ® 2006 • Is he very impatient, get- ting angry over poor service in a restaurant and blaming you for choosing the desti- nation? • Does he become angry if you don't agree with him or refuse to follow his advice? • Does he blame you or oth- ers when things go wrong, instead of taking responsi- bility for his own actions? • Does he put you down, and do you discover that you put yourself down in order to please him? • Does he appear to have two distinct sides to his personality? • Are you so afraid of mak- ing him angry that you take great caution not to do so? • Does he exhibit extremes of behavior, ranging from cruelty to smothering with excessive kindness? • Does he have unrealistic expectations of you as a wife and/or mother?