aro
Break The Silence!
Domestic abuse expert to speak to public and professionals.
Ronelie Grier
Special to the Jewish News
ova S. had no idea her hus-
band had a temper until
three months into their
marriage. In the middle of an
argument, he picked up a ham-
mer he had been using to fix the
sink and smashed it into the wall
less than two inches from her
head. Within weeks, these kinds
of incidents began to occur regu-
larly.
Prior to that day, Tova had
never seen this aspect of his per-
sonality, nor had anyone else who
knew him. When Tova expressed
her dismay at the sudden appear-
ance of this behavior, he respond-
ed,"In my own home, I can be
.
myself"
"There was never any physical
violence, so it was hard for me to
accept that he was abusive," said
Tova, "and I never knew what
would provoke him. I always
thought that, somehow, it was my
fault for not being a better wife."
Unfortunately, Tova is not alone
with her story of mistreatment
and degradation; spousal abuse
within the Jewish community is
as prevalent as it is among the
general population, where it
affects 1 to 3 million women and
more than 3 million children each
year.
In the United States, a woman
is beaten every 15 seconds, and
domestic violence is the leading
cause of injury between the ages
T
of 15 and 44 —
husband was doing
more than car acci-
wasn't right, but I
dents, muggings and
disassociated. I
rapes combined.
tried to tell myself
Every day, three
it wasn't so bad.
women are mur-
And I didn't tell
dered by their part-
anyone else about it
ners.
for a very long
"Break the
time!'
Silence! End the
Tova filed for
Violence!" a free
divorce once, and
presentation on
her husband react-
Rabbi Twer ski
domestic abuse in
ed by showing
Jewish families, will
remorse, promising
be presented at 7
to change, and
p.m. Wednesday, Jan. 11, at the
assuring her things would be dif-
Jewish Community Center in
ferent.
West Bloomfield. The program is
According to Ellen Yashinsky-
co-sponsored by Jewish Family
Chute, JFS clinical director, this
Service of Metropolitan Detroit,
dynamic fits into the typical
National Council of Jewish
three-stage cycle of an abusive
Women Greater Detroit Section
relationship: the tension-building
and the Daniel B. Sobel
stage, where the victim feels as
Friendship House, with support
though she is walking on
from a grant by the Jewish
eggshells, her partner is moody
Women's Foundation of
and easily agitated and there is a
Metropolitan Detroit.
sense of heightened anxiety; the
The speaker is Rabbi Abraham
acute/abusive stage, where the
J. Twerski, M.D., a renowned
tension erupts and intense physi-
speaker and prolific author of
cal, emotional and/or verbal
books on spirituality, self-esteem,
abuse occurs; and the honey-
addiction and recovery, and
moon stage, where the abuser
domestic abuse. Rabbi Twerski is
apologizes, attempts to make up
the founder and medical director
with romantic gestures such as
emeritus of Gateway
flowers and finally convinces the
Rehabilitation Center, a non-profit victim that he is sincere. The cycle
drug and alcohol treatment pro-
then begins all over again, usually
gram in western Pennsylvania.
within a short time.
"Emotional abuse can cause
According to Yashinsky-Chute,
deeper harm than physical
the typical abuser is extremely
abuse," said Rabbi Twerski.
jealous, unable to cope with stress
"Insults should not be tolerated!"
and is constantly blaming others
Tova said, "I knew what my
for his problems, both at home
and in the workplace. He is often
described as "charming" and
exhibits an air of grandiosity,
when he actually has very low
self-esteem. He is susceptible to
mood swings and is often,
although not always, a substance
abuser.
His wife or partner often has
low self-esteem, is emotionally .
and/or economically dependent,
isolated and frequently feels guilt,
anger and shame.
"It's such a frightening experi-
ence to fear another individual
who says he loves you:' said Susan
P., who lived with an abusive hus-
band for more than 20 years. "It
was terrifying, but I thought it
was my fault. I just wanted to die.
"I know there are other Women
out there who dread walking .
through their own front door
because there's a maniac inside
that house said Susan. "They
think there's no other way. I never
knew I had the courage and
strength within me to leave. It was
like being in a concrete tunnel
underground.
"If you're frightened, tell some-
one," said Susan. "There are peo-
ple who will help you. If you don't,
it's your own private hell."
According to Rabbi Twerski,
overcoming the denial and
acknowledging the problem is the
first step, followed by professional
help from someone who is
trained to deal with these issues.
"When there are signs of abuse,
get to a counselor immediately,"
said Rabbi Twerski. "Don't think
that if you just make a better
kugel, your marriage can be
saved."
Although the woman is the vic-
tim in most cases, there are
instances where the husband is
abused by his wife. According to
Rabbi Twerski, these situations
usually involve emotional abuse
and occur when the woman has
more money than her husband
and exerts power and control
through financial means.
To build and maintain a
healthy and loving marriage,
Rabbi Twerski suggests following
three of the major themes that are
found throughout Jewish prayer:
being thankful to God, expressing
love for God and, when wrongdo-
ing occurs, admitting one's sins
and asking for forgiveness.
"It is important to say,`Thank
you, I love you' and 'I'm sorry,
please forgive me:" said Rabbi
Twerski. El
At 9 a.m. Thursday, Jan. 12,
Rabbi Twerski will conduct a
special training session for
clergy and professionals who
work with people in abusive
relationships. The session will
be at the JFS Orley Building on
Maple Road in West Bloom-
field. Reservations are required
for the free Thursday morning
program. For more informa-
tion, contact Ellen Yashinsky-
Chute at (248) 592-2666.
Signs Of Domestic Abuse
• Does he try to isolate you
from family and friends?
• Does he expect you to
spend all of your free time
exclusively with him?
• Does he want to know
your whereabouts at all
times and becomes angry
when you are not available?
26 January 5 ® 2006
• Is he very impatient, get-
ting angry over poor service
in a restaurant and blaming
you for choosing the desti-
nation?
• Does he become angry if
you don't agree with him or
refuse to follow his advice?
• Does he blame you or oth-
ers when things go wrong,
instead of taking responsi-
bility for his own actions?
• Does he put you down,
and do you discover that
you put yourself down in
order to please him?
• Does he appear to have
two distinct sides to his
personality?
• Are you so afraid of mak-
ing him angry that you take
great caution not to do so?
• Does he exhibit extremes
of behavior, ranging from
cruelty to smothering with
excessive kindness?
• Does he have unrealistic
expectations of you as a
wife and/or mother?