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ing meditation on the sexual
stereotyping of Jewish women, a
practice that came to the cultural
fore during the Lewinsky scan-
dal.
Grodstein, who was living in
France at the time, was continu-
ally referred to as "Monica" by
the natives, thanks to her Semitic
features. As one of her French
friends explains, rather innocent-
ly, she looks like a Jewess.
"A Jewess sounds juicy and
slightly dirty:' Grodstein
observes, "like a lot of other
words that end in -ess: mistress,
seductress, stewardess. And
Jewish women, as far as I can tell,
are the only females of a particu-
lar religious group to be desig-
nated with that voluptuous suf-
fix.
"You never hear of the
Mormoness, the Presbyterianess,
the Buddhess. But there she is,
the Jewess: exotic and exoticized,
heavy-breasted and smoky-
voiced:'

Making A Match

Not only do Jewish women
have to contend with lascivious

stereotypes, but they have to
worry — almost constantly —
about finding a suitable (read:
also Jewish) mate.
"I've laid down the law:'
writes Francesca Segre, in .
"Girl Meets Goy." "I will only
date Jewish men. I've laid
down the law many, many
times:'
Segre is enlightened
enough to recognize that she
should be free to marry
based on love, not blood-
lines. And yet a part of her
can't help but see intermarriage
as a form of religious betrayal.
Amy Klein's "True Confessions
of a JDate Addict" covers some of
the same terrain, albeit in a
breezier manner. Her essay
details the seamy psychological
underside of the world's most
popular Jewish dating Web site.
Klein comes by her insights
honestly. Over six months, she .
claims to have received e-mails
from more than 250 men, corre-
sponded with about 60, and
dated half of those.
Her accounts of JDate proto-
cols and anxieties are hilariously
candid, but they also express a

He'll reply with
shame.
enthusiasm and
The worst part
support even though
of all my failures
he clearly has no
as a Jew is that
idea who either man
my parents have
is, though he was
rarely, if ever,
genuinely excited
given me a hard
when I interviewed
time about it.
Los Angeles Lakers'
They almost
coach Phil Jackson.
always responded
For a moment I'll
with support and
bask in the warm
patience to the
Author/Editor Ruth
glow of parental
turns my life
Andrew Ellenson: "Why do
pride — and then
took, even if the
I still feel guilt?"
I'll ask what he's
path led away
doing.
from the syna-
"I'm about to go off to Moscow gogue.
to a conference on saving world
Their acceptance, of course,
Jewry from anti-Semitism:' he'll
made the guilt a million times
respond. "Have a great interview
worse. Scream at me, please!
with Brad Affleck, honey!"
Don't tell me you accept whatever
The shallowness of my life
path I take! What do I have left to
suddenly overwhelms me. A
rebel against? My parents are
moment will pass before he con-
nice people, great Jews, and they
tinues, "When are you writing for accept me as I am. Oy vey.
the Forward again? I loved your
piece on the Jewish federation's
outreach program." The Forward A Cool Religion
is a national English-language
I remember when I first felt
Jewish newspaper.
this way, right around the time of
I hang my head, heavy with
my bat mitzvah. Throughout my

October 13 . 2005

is even more wrenching.
Her contribution, "You
iS I Sit in the Dark, I'm
Coming out of the
,
Closet:'
details her effort,
Aimee Bender • Daphne Merkin
as
a
nervous
15-year-old,
Qi
Rebecca Walker • Molly Jong-Fast
to tell her mother about
Katie Roiphe • Rebecca Goldstein
her sexual attraction to
Tova Mirvis • Ceara Horn
other girls.
She is writing, more
Gina Nagai • Lori Gottlieb
broadly,
about the accumu-
and 18 Other Original Pier.:es
lated stigma of being a
Ruth Andrew Ellenson,Editor
Jewish woman and a les-
1
*Supptylog &with Grandchildren • Dating Gayly) •
bian.
RSVPing 'No" •tagatty to
Israa!
"There was nothing more
disgraceful in high school
deeper concern. Her father is
during the 1980s than being a
forever asking her, "Anything
dyke (how handy that it should
interesting?" by which he really
rhyme with that other epithet for
means has she met a future hus-
me, favored by the nastier among
band.
the country club set). If I were to
"I could win the Pulitzer Prize,
come out, wouldn't that reduce
discover a cure for cancer, fly to
my entire identity to who I
the moon, master telepathy and
desired, and invite everyone to
scale Mount Everest and still my
judge me?"
father would ask me, 'Anything
Bolonik does manage to tell
interesting?' Because for him, his
her mother, who promptly dis-
community — and even the
misses her transgressive urges as
larger non-Orthodox Jewish
a phase. When it becomes clear
world in which I circulate — if
that Bolonik is actually gay, her
you're not married, you're not
mother grows desperate. "She
much."
told my younger sister Shana and
For Kera Bolonik, the problem
me that she and Dad put a con-

1

not-so-charming adolescence, I
devoted much of my free time to
pointing out to my parents —
who paid for expensive summers
at Jewish camps, youth-group
weekends and trips to Israel —
why being Jewish just wasn't
cool.
"Why are we Jewish? Why can't
we be a cool religion?" I would
plead with my father, who would
look down upon me with sage
rabbinical wisdom and just a
hint of amusement and exasper-
ation.
"Well, Ruthie, what is your idea
of a cool religion?" he would ask.
Aha — a clever rabbinical strate-
gy, answering a question with a
question.
"Buddhism!" I would declare
with the deep conviction only a
teenager can muster. It was the
most exotic religion I could think
of.
"Well, when you're an adult you
can learn as much about
Buddhism as you want:' he'd
reply with infinite patience. Then
he'd quickly add, As long as you
marry someone who's Jewish."

`

Today despite all of my teenage
rebellion and contrary to all
expectations that I would move
to Tibet to become a monk, I am
married to a "nice Jewish boy"
and living a relatively connected
Jewish life.
Though I still feel that I don't
quite live up to my parents'
examples, I try from time to
time. I write about Jewish sub-
jects in my work, participate in
Shabbat meals and live in a
world that is rich with cultural
Judaism.
Still, that's not really so
impressive when my mother is
leading a Torah service, an act
that would have been revolution-
ary for women of previous gener-
ations.
As I've matured, I've come to
see Judaism as a source of
warmth, meaning and communi-
ty, and I do my best to respect
and love the rich heritage I've
been blessed with. Despite my
protests at age 13, I'm certain
that I very much want to be
Jewish and there will be no con-
verting to Buddhism for me.

tingency clause in their wills:
Whoever married a Jewish man
first would get everything."
What emerges in all of these
pieces, and quite painfully, is the
extent to which guilt — usually
inflicted by well-meaning par-
ents — interferes with these
women's efforts to seek out
healthy romantic connections.
This brings us to Molly Jong-
Fast, daughter of the author Erica
Jong. Her rollicking essay, "Tell
Me About Your Mother;' opens
with this whopper of a confes-
sion: "I am sexually repressed. Or
at least that's true according to
every shrink I've ever had, which
at the ripe old age of 26 is 10."
Jong-Fast winds up toying
with most of her psychiatrists,
and her account of their foibles,
while not especially illuminating,
is great fun.
I found myself admiring this
collection precisely because it
manages to balance levity with
earnest introspection.
Among those with a Michigan
connection contributing essays
are former Detroiters Sue
Shapiro and Wendy Shanker.

So why do I still feel guilt? My
parents may have gently ques-
tioned my choices, but they
understood that I needed to feel
connected to Judaism on my own
terms and that those terms may
be very different from theirs. As
rabbis and parents, they never
totally lost faith — although I
suspect it was highly strained on
more than one occasion — that I
would find my way home.
I've come to realize that my
guilt is self-induced. A part of me
wants to do more, knows I can be
a better person, knows that I
could push myself to follow in
their footsteps toward tikkun
olam, or repairing the world.
In the meantime though, I'll
put my non-rabbinical soul at
ease this Yom Kippur by confess-
ing — in print — to eating pep-
peroni pizza on Passover and
hope that both God and my par-
ents will find it in their hearts,
once again, to forgive me. ❑

Ruth Andrew Ellenson is the editor
of "The Modern Jewish Girl's Guide
to Guilt."

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