Interfaith
The Question I
Raise the kids Jewish or Christian?
Ann Arbor
he No. 1 stumbling block
interfaith couples have is
deciding which religion to
raise the children. For many, not
being able to
reach an accord
on this issue is
what prevents
them from taking
the relationship
to the next level
— to go from
"just dating" to
engaged — or
engaged to mar-
JIM KEEN
ried.
After all,
Columnist
this is a huge
decision that
shouldn't be taken lightly. How on
earth do you decide something like
this?
First, for most people, it's not an
easy decision at all. Second, there
are numerous ways to work it out.
The way that my wife, Bonnie, and
I decided was a long and tedious
route. It tested our commitment to
each other incessantly.
When we were in the "just dating"
stage, we didn't worry too much
about our differing religions. We
were just going to the movies — no
big deal. We had a live-and-let-live
policy toward each other's faith and
culture. But suddenly, weeks turned
into months that turned into years,
and we became serious about our
relationship. If we got married, what
would we do about the kids?
("Whoa! Kids? Who said anything
about kids?")
Oh, it was so nice and easy up
until that point. We didn't want to
endanger the relationship by starting
what we knew would be a long
T
Jim Keen is author of the book "Inside
Intermarriage: A Christian Partner's
Perspective on Raising a Jewish
Family" (URJ Press, forthcoming) and
a contributor to the book "The Guide
to Jewish Interfaith Family Life: an
InterfaithFamily. corn Handbook"
(Jewish Lights Publishing). He is a
columnist for InterfaithFamily.com .
His e-mail address is
jckeen@umich.edu .
debate, but we also knew that we
had to start talking about the
options.
We discussed what it would be
like if one of us converted. This
works for many couples and certain-
ly adds uniformity to family holi-
days. However, neither of us wanted
to change religions because we were
both firmly rooted in our faiths.
As conversion was out, we next
considered raising them in both reli-
gions. This way, they'd get a taste of
Judaism and Christianity. It would
certainly be fair to the two of us.
After discussing this option for a
long time, though, we started won-
dering if it would be fair to the
kids. While this does work for some
families, we had our doubts that it
would be right for our situation. We
had talked with a few interfaith
counselors who said that many kids
raised as "both" tended to grow up
neither. We knew we didn't want
that.
So, it had to be one or the other:
Christianity or Judaism. However,
neither one of us was sure we'd be
comfortable raising our own off-
spring in another religion. We both
come from fairly religious families
and wanted to pass along many of
the wonderful memories and tradi-
tions from our childhoods. This is
the point in the relationship where
we began to stick to our guns and
dig in our heels. If there's one deci-
sion that we reached at this junc-
ture, it was that we were committed
to making it work. We loved each
other too much to give up on it
now.
The Real Issue
What was holding us back from
making the decision? Personally, we
had no objections with either reli-
gion. We believed in the same God.
That's a good thing. (I'd hate to see
a Jewish-Ancient Roman interfaith
discussion. At least one of us was
not polytheistic.)
Then what's the real issue? Fear.
Fear of not feeling connected to
your family — whether it's to your
parents or to your future kids, or to
both. Many interfaith couples
So, it had to be one or the
other: Christianity or Judaism.
However, neither one of us was
sure we'd be comfortable raising
our own offspring in another
religion.
wrestle with anger and disappoint-
ment from their extended families.
A lot of parents (and future grand-
parents) feel that they've failed —
their adult child is giving up his
identity and won't be connected to
them anymore. I don't want to gloss
over this issue, but it's harder to
control how others feel.
In the end, we decided to raise
our children Jewish. We would
make sure that our kids learned
about my religion, too. But, they
would not be "both."
How did we know it was the right
decision? It's hard to say, but it just
felt right. Everybody has their own
reasons, but for us, we knew it
would also ease Bonnie's transition
to moving away permanently from
her family in Boston. I was born
and raised here in Ann Arbor. We
see my family all the time. I real-
ized that I'm still connected.
But what about my future kids?
Would they think of me as differ-
ent? That was a leap of faith that I
decided to make. I felt there was a
good chance that they would be just
fine. After all, I would be "Daddy"
to them.
Today, I am still Protestant; Bonnie
is still Jewish. Our two daughters are
enrolled in Hebrew school at our
temple. After 14 years of marriage,
things are going pretty well. It is pos-
sible to be an interfaith couple and
have a Jewish home. It's funny, but
feeling connected comes naturally.
I'm glad we never gave up. Fl
ALESSANORCv
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8/ 4
2005
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