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"Our post-feminist generation grew
up believing we could do and be any-
thing, and it's fair to say that we pretty
much could," Warner says. "But all
this ran aground once we had children.
"For many women, it became very
difficult to reconcile not just work and
family, but our pre-motherhood and
post-motherhood selves. Many began
to nurse a simmering rage, and many
more blamed themselves and turned
themselves inside out wondering where
they'd gone wrong."
Warner's interest in psychology was
encouraged by her late father, Sam, a
New York psychologist. Her mother,
Zelda, a retired school administrator,
stayed home to raise Judith until col-
lege age.
"I'm like my mother in wanting
things done right, but I'm unlike her
in being a little more loose in the defi-
nition of the right ways for things to
be done," Warner says after analyzing
her parenting style in light of the book.
"She is very organized and detail-ori-
ented, and I'm much more day-
dreamy.
"All the research I have done makes
me laugh at myself more and be aware
if I'm living some perfect madness
moments. It makes me more self-con-
scious when I find myself doing things
that fly against the image people now
have of me as somebody who is a voice
of reason and above the fray.
"I'm a lot clearer in my mind of
what I will and will not do, what kind
of person and mother I am and what
I'm good at and what I'm not good at.
I'm at peace with that rather than try-

ing to be good at all different things."
Warner hopes to be good at raising
awareness about the parenting issues
important to her. Besides promoting
the book, she has accepted speaking
engagements and will be testifying
before Congress.
Warner, raised in a culturally Jewish
home, and her husband, raised in a
Jewish and Catholic home, celebrate all
religious holidays with their daughters,
but Warner does not believe that the
question of Judaism enters into the
points she is making through her text.
The problem is universal among the
upper middle class, she says. (Warner's
oldest daughter went to a Jewish pre-
school, and her book's initial interview
groups drew women whose children
attended.)
"I try to make my daughters feel
loved, believe in themselves and feel
good about themselves," says Warner,
who earned a bachelor's degree from
Brown University in Providence, R.I.,
and a master's degree from Columbia
University in New York City.
"I think if I can do that, then they
will be fine in whatever they want to
do or whoever they are going to be. I
want them to have a realistic notion of
being able to support themselves
whether ending up working through-
out their lives or not.
"About motherhood, I would advise
them to be happy about it and set up
their lives in whatever way makes them
happiest because if they make them-
selves happy, then their families will be
happy. That's the best thing they can
do for their children." ❑

More For Moms

• The Women Who Danced by the
Sea by Marsha Mirkin, Ph.D.
(Monkfish; $16.95):
What is the contemporary meaning
of the Bible and what does it mean for
us psychologically? This book is one of
the first of its kind to view the lives of
biblical women through the lens of
contemporary psychological theories,
as each chapter looks at a different
foremother and a different issue she
must grapple with in order to gain the
wisdom to move into a deeper rela-
tionship with herself, those she loves
and God. The author is a clinical psy-
chologist and resident scholar at the
Brandeis University Women's
Studies Research Center in Waltham,
Mass.

• Because I Said So edited by Camille
Peri and Kate Moses (Harper Collins;
$24.95):
This compendium of essays by 33
mothers who write about children,
sex, aging, faith, race and themselves
features a compendium of novelists,
journalists, pundits, educators, activists
and newsmakers — some of them
Jewish — who share their experience
of raising children in an increasingly
troubled world and the self-discovery
that emerges on the journey. Peri and
Moses are founding editors of the
Mothers Who Think Web site at
Salon.com.

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