(n 0 04 1 26th UMS Season Last Call All Beethoven Concert! Chamber Orchestra of Philadelphia `You Can't Get There From Here' I flew to Florida for a family matter for a few days last week. Here's some sug- gestions: • To Detroit Metropolitan HARRY Airport: Thanks for KI RS BAUM the signs that claim Columnist we have a choice in parking at the "Big Blue" lot, adjacent to the old termi- nal buildings. Thanks for letting us know that the $6/day section is full when it's too late to turn back, and forcing us to park in the $10/day section. Thanks for saving some money by not putting up signs to tell us that some of the walking bridges are closed to traffic. Thanks for allowing me to meet entire families with small children who joined me in the hunt to find a bridge. We also met two European women wondering how to get to the international terminal, located a few miles away. It allowed me to use my favorite phrase: "You can't get there from here." • To the person sitting behind me on the plane: I know you're pretty important because you're on the phone even though they've announced that we should shut off all electronic devices. You're special, and the rest of us bow down to your magnificence. Your voice is clear, and loud, and it carries, and I'm sure you know that. I'm not so sure that you would want the rest of us to derive your position as an insurance agent because you're trying to help a client who has just been diagnosed with cancer. We commend you on making sure someone will contact him with the information he needs. And we're happy that you are so concerned with work details even though you are vacation bound. We just don't Harry Kirsbaum's e-mail address is hkirsbaum@thejewishnews.com 400 The protégé of cellist Mstislav Rostropovich, pianist and conductor lgnat Solzhenitsyn has been hailed by the Washington Post as "an interpreter of probing intellect, as well as an avid risk taker." need to hear his diagnosis, his name or his phone number from five rows away. I don't remember this cancer patient's phone number, but I still remember his name, because you spelled it so slowly and clearly for all of us. • To the guy waiting for his lug- gage in Fort Lauderdale: I know you think that the Ronco "GLH Formula Number 9 Colored Hair Thickener" you sprayed on your head covers up your baldness. What you have to understand is when you're in humidity, your "hair" melts and starts to drip down your neck. You're fooling no one. (gnat Solzhenitsyn, conductor and piano WEDNESDAY, APRIL 13, 8 PM Hill Auditorium PROGRAM Beethoven Coriolanus Overture, Op. 62 (1807) Beethoven Piano Concerto No. 5 in E-flat Major ("Emperor") (1809) Beethoven Symphony No. 4 in B-flat Major, Op. 60 (1806) Sponsored by 1.010111. EMS, ,01119611017.911 CRP Media Partners WGTE 91.3 FM and Observer & Eccentric Newspapers. cl , „ urns soc,„ 734.764.2538 www.ums.org Mt' ',skink. owned for arts sad adrand affairs outside the 734 area code, call toll-free 800.221.1229 961070 • To Spirit Airlines: Thanks for getting me to Fort Lauderdale in three hours. I just have a problem with the seven-hour return flight that takes me to a two-hour layover in my nation's capital. Thanks, too, for putting me in a broken seat for the last leg of my journey, and the way the seat tilted, and that comfortable metal bar across the middle of my back. And thanks for losing my luggage. I commend your luggage person for punching up my luggage tag on her computer screen and giving me the bad news. This is what she says: "We've had problems there. I don't know what it is. It must be something in the water down there. Your luggage is still in Fort Lauderdale." This is what she means: "We've had problems there. I know what it is. They're sitting on your luggage doing lines of cocaine." Shop SUgar/OafStyle n othi ng else • .14 Z. ugarloaf Fair April 15, 16, 17, 2005 NOVI EXPO CENTER • NOVI, MI Daily Adult Admission $7° • While on my trip, I read The Elegant Universe: Superstrings, Hidden Dimensions, and the Quest for the Ultimate Theory, by Brian Greene. It explains things like quantum theory, time dilation, quarks and muons in the universe and may have gotten me closer to the meaning of life, but it doesn't explain the morons I encountered in the airport universe. I guess I'll have to wait for the sequel. Children Under 12 FREE • Parking FREE - Compliments of Sugarloaf! Friday & Saturday 10-6, Sunday 10-5 DIRECTIONS: From I-96 East, take Exit 162 and turn right on Novi Rd. From I-% West, take Exit 162 and turn left on Novi Rd. From Novi Rd., turn right onto Expo Center Drive. Follow signs to Expo Center. 300 Craft Designers & Fine Artists • Custom clothing • One-of-a-kind furnishings • Original oils & framed prints • Award-winning photography • Fine & fun jewelry • Pre-packaged gourmet food • Personal attention • High-quality materials • Unusual, original designs • Fine workmanship • Knowledgeable assistance • Incredible selections • And so much more! Obsetver 1F-tuntrir H FOR DISCOUNT ADMISSION COUPONS: 1 Print them from our website at www.SugarloafCrafts.com I Call 800-210-9900 958810 CALLTOOP,1 FOR A SUBSCRIPTION 248.351.5174 4/ 7 2005 91