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RABBI JACK REIMER
Special to the Jewish News
Formerly The
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wish this book had been
around when my children
around
were becoming bar and bat
mitzvah. If you know a family that
will soon approach this event, run,
don't walk, to get them a copy. They
will bless you for it.
On the one hand, bar and bat mitz-
vah are widely observed. There was
even a story in the Wall Street Journal
a while ago about how non-Jewish
kids pestering their parents that they
want one, too, since they are envious
of their Jewish friends who get to have
such big parties.
But on the other hand, children
and parents are bewildered and con-
fused over how to make these events
meaningful. Children and adults
wake up the next morning, after the
out-of-town relatives have left, and
before the mountain of waiting
thank-you notes has to be attacked,
and they ask themselves:
What was this event which took
over our lives for the last six months
or more really all about?
Was the party that we threw only a
way of reciprocating for the ones that
our kids were invited to? Were the
adults whom we invited really there
only for business reasons or for social
ones?
Was this Haftorah that our kids
broke their teeth learning how to
chant for so many weeks connected in
any way to the world in which we
live? And what message did we send
our kids about our values by holding
such a lavish bash?
Danny Siegel's Bar and Bat Mitzvah
Book: A Practical Guide for Changing
the World Through Your Simcha is filled
on every page with wise and helpful
suggestions on how to avoid the let-
down that the child and the family so
often feel after such a simchah.
First of all, it provides the child and
the family with a whole different per-
spective on what this event means.
And then it provides the family with a
plethora of ideas on how to make this
turning point in the life of the child
and in the life of the family.
Siegel provides a definition of what
it means to become a bar or bat mitz-
vah that sets the service and the party
into a good perspective. He says that
in some cultures, the stages of life are
counted as infant, toddler, child,
teenager, young adult, adult, mid-life,
empty nester, retiree, etc. In Jewish
thought the stages of life are: infancy,
childhood and then Mitzvah
Manhood or Womanhood. The
whole point of the day is to under-
stand and accept the status of one
who is now capable and obligated to
do good deeds.
If bar/bat mitzvah families accept
this perspective, then everything else
begins to fall into place. What you
say on the invitation, whether you
buy your kippot from Mayan women
in Guatemala who do good work and
who live in utter poverty and desper-
ately need the work, what the child
says in his talk, what kind of gifts go
into the goody bags that you give
your guests, who you honor and how
you honor them and what happens
with the leftover food after the party
— all flow directly from this under-
standing of what the event is really all
about.
Here is one example of what Siegel
proposes families do with a bit of
imagination and good will:
Everyone has a challah at the din-
ner, right? Technically, you don't need
a challah except at the Shabbat or the
holiday meal but, for some reason,
almost everyone has a big challah at
the banquet table.
And usually we call upon Uncle
Herman, who is still sober this early
in the evening, and who gave a pretty
good gift and therefore deserves an
honor, and who is one of the few in
the family whom we can trust to do it
right, to recite the Motzi. But what
more can we do with this ritual?
Level one: At most parties the cater-
er takes the challah away the moment
Uncle Herman recites the blessing. It
disappears through the swinging doors
that lead into the kitchen, and it
comes out some time later, neatly
sliced and ready to serve.
At some parties that I have been to,
the family does it differently. They all