One bite and you'll be hooked "One of our region's better little dining secrets." — Danny Raskin *** Detroit Free Press Live Entertainment Thursday – Saturday A Sampling of Our New Menu Items... studies at the University of Wisconsin in Madison, spending her junior year in Delhi, India. She earned a master's degree in educational psychology from Teachers' College of Columbia University and a Ph.D. in clinical psy- chology from the City University of New York. A staff member for 20 years at the Menninger Clinic in Topeka, Kansas, she now devotes herself to her private practice and writing career. Yet, in her latest book, which she describes as her most self-revealing, Lerner describes the same fear of public speaking as Mark. This fear is not entirely unfounded, she said, based on her podium experi- ence. She remembers when an earring got caught in the shoulder of her wool suit, pinning her ear to her shoulder, and when the unnumbered, unstapled pages of her speech fell off the lectern. Harriet Lerner: For women, appearance is frequently the lightening rod." "To this day," she writes, "I prefer to stand when someone is introducing me, so that I won't get dizzy and pass out in the process of rising from my chair." Fear of speaking in public is like fear of riding a roller coaster, she writes. "You don't get over it. You just buy a ticket." "Avoid avoidance," Lerner told the Jewish News. "We know from all the research that avoiding those things we fear makes those fears grow." A certain amount of fear, in the form of anxiety, often gives us the spur to get up and do what has to be done, she said. "Sometimes, courage comes from pain. The status quo is so painful, so fraught with anxiety, that we get the courage to act, because the fear of taking that step is less than the pain of where you are." Fear and phobia are not synonyms, she writes. "A genuine phobia, which happily I did not have, comes complete with a racing heart, breathing difficul- ties, sweating, an overwhelming need to flee the situation and sometimes the imminent fear of death." If someone is plagued with these "par- alyzing neurochemical storms," only medication and specialized treatment will help. But for most, avoidance of fear-induc- ing circumstances only makes them worse. The goal of Fear and Other Uninvited Guests is to help readers use their fear to find their "best and bravest self." Lerner's book, which she described as "more personal" than her earlier works, is full of examples from her own life and from stories told by patients. "I have a chapter in my book about shame, which is the fear of being inade- quate — flawed, inferior, unworthy of love and respect," she said. "For women, appearance is frequently the lightening rod." Physical beauty gives you a good start, Lerner conceded, "but only for about five minutes." "I have never once seen a relationship between physical appearance and the ability to maintain a loving, connected, intimate relationship or a marriage," she said. "It matters the least in important relationships." Lerner has been married for more than 30 years to fellow clinical psycholo- gist Steve Lerner. Raising a Jewish family in Kansas was a challenge. "When our boys, Matt and Ben, start- ed school in Topeka, they were the only Jewish kids in the class," she said. Frequently asked to school to explain Judaism to the boys and girls, Lerner and her husband would be introduced as "talking about the Jewish way of cele- brating Christmas." Lerner, who recently turned 60, has issues with society's fetish about aging. "Getting older is everyone's ultimate goal, yet we're taught not to tell our age, like it was a shameful secret," she said. "It is a terrible message to give young women. Shame flourishes in secrecy" 111 Book Fair's "Health Awareness Day" takes place Friday, Nov. 12, at the Jewish Community Center in West Bloomfield. Harriet Lerner speaks at 10 a.m. A "Healthy Luncheon" begins at noon; the cost is $18; for reserva- tions, call (248) 432-5577. 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