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Covering All Bases

HARRY
KIRSBAUM

Columnist

t's Election
Day — and
deadline day.
The beast
(this space) needs
to be fed before the
polls have closed.
Therefore, and
herewith, are com-
ments for different
scenarios.

Scenario #1

In a close, bitterly contested
presidential race, George Bush/John
Kerry (cross out one) has won re-elec-
tion/beat the incumbent (cross out
another one), garnering
(fill
in the blank) electoral votes.
Kerry/Bush (are you getting the
hang of it now?) declared himself
the winner at 10 p.m. on
election eve/June 13.
A somber Kerry/Bush thanked
his supporters for fighting the
"good fight," and asked them to
put the divisiveness and anger
behind them.
"It's time prove to the world
that we are the beacon of
democracy, and we can to come
together as a country and kick
Osama's
(fill in
the blank)."

the time it took to count votes in
Afghanistan and sending a message of
democracy on the march.

1► 4.a

THE ROEPER SCHOOL

WHERE GIFTED CHILDREN LOVE TO LEARN

PRESCHOOL THRU GRADE 12
BLOOMFIELD HILLS BIRMINGHAM

LOWER SCHOOL

Scenario #3

In an upset of colossal and "off-the-
hook" proportion, there's a new term
in American lexicon: the "P. Diddy
November surprise."
Feeding off the frenzy started by 20
million MTV viewers, Sean "P.
Diddy" Combs becomes the presi-
dent-elect after garnering 52 percent
of the popular vote through a massive
write-in campaign that began when
music artists and foes Moby and
Eminem appeared together during a
"Choose or Lose Takeover" segment
on TRL on Monday evening.

be a Roeper stustetAtI

NOVEMBER 16 • JANUARY 1 1

MIDDLE/UPPER
SCHOOL

OVEMBER 21 • JANUARY 30

8.203.7317

.ROEPER.ORG

Community Open House

Birmingham Seaholm High School
2436 West Lincoln
Sunday, November 7, 2004
1:00 p.m. - 3:00 p.m.

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E

LM

Scenario #2:

CBS News anchor Dan Rather
has demanded total live coverage
of the ongoing, hotly contested
Campaign guru James Camille with
battle of the presidency that seems
President-Elect P Diddy?
to have no end in sight.
"We don't have to limit our choices
In a scenario that brings back memo-
to
two white guys," they both said,
ries of the 2000 presidential election,
suggesting
P. Diddy as a viable – and
ballot discrepancies in Florida,
stylish
–
alternative.
Wisconsin and American Samoa have
The idea quickly spread and
delayed the results.
gathered momentum in blogs,
"This election is as frozen as a pork
alternative Web sites and jewelry
chop at a bris," he said.
stores
around the country.
Rather has refused to budge from his
President-elect
Diddy thanked the
desk, prompting the network to hold off
millions
of
MTV
viewers
who initially
Wednesday's edition of CSI: New York.
"got
the
ball
rolling."
Since this is the November sweeps
He said he would appoint a cabinet
period, CBS executives are considering
representing a cross section of those
sending a SWAT team/Bill O'Reilly
to extricate Rather from his anchor posi- who elected him, starting with
Eminem as Secretary of Offense, and
tion.
Moby as Secretary of Slightly Built
Election officials are confident that
Bald Guys.
the proper election results will be
Diddy stated that he would run the
declared within three weeks, beating
Free World from his crib in South
Beach because the White House
Harry Kirsbaum's e-mail address is
doesn't have enough rooms.
hkirsbaum@thejevvishnews.corn

Tours will highlight all academic departments, physical education,
co-curricular activities, counseling, special services, parent
involvement opportunities and a preview of the plans for the new
gym and pool.

Limited openings available for nonresident students.
Call 248-203-3016 for details.

Park in the east lot and enter at the auditorium doors.

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www.jewish.corn

JS

11/ 5

2004