No Mas
I

of the day."
f you turn on a
Because a candidate's handlers
news station
won't have time to vet a new mes-
right now,
you'll be able to see sage to see how it plays on cable
news, an original thought this late in
the presidential
the
game is considered dangerous
candidates and
and
unlikely — so it's time to play
their running mates
making a mad dash safe.
Keep hammering the same mes-
across the country,
sage, use the same key words and
HARRY
making stump
phrases, and avoid the trap of saying
KIRS BAUM
speeches and gar-
something meaningful.
nering support
Columnist
And, if all goes according to plan,
from people in
and we don't have a rerun of 2000,
those "swing states."
America will wake up Nov. 3 with a
If you log onto the Web, you can
president or a president-elect.
read analysts, pundits and bloggers
who will astound us
The pollsters will
with their insight
Wednesday-morning
— which battle-
quarterback whether
it was the soccer
ground states the
candidates should
moms, the NASCAR
visit, what they
dads or the Al Qaida
should say and
golf pros who made
the difference.
what they should
The campaign
do in the few days
left before the Nov.
workers will help put
2 election.
away the stars-and-
I promise not to use shots of
We'll see candi-
stripes bunting. The
either of these guys for three
dates talking them-
FBI counter-terror-
ism teams will peer
selves hoarse during months. Honest.
20-hour campaign
through binoculars at
targets other than Bush rally partici-
days, departing an airplane in the
pants. And speechwriters will put
middle of the night and waving to
away the key words and phraks they
the "crowd" — some poor camera-
get their candidates to utter for two
man who got stuck working the
more years.
night shift.
And this will be a good thing for
And all the predictions, all the
us all.
reporting and all the running won't
I know how important this elec-
change a single vote.
tion is, and I know how tired every-
Neither Sen. John F. Kerry nor
one is of it already.
President George W. Bush will gain
I can't wait for Wednesday, and I
any votes by kissing babies after time
love
politics.
on the stump, but they would lead
If you know me, or you know a
the news if they showed off their
robustness by punting babies back to reporter wh6 covers politics, I have a
simple request.
their parents.
Please refrain from using these
Because Michigan is a swing state,
words or phrases in our presence for
the candidates have visited us so
the next three months:
much they've become, a nuisance.
Cut and run. Resolute. Tax and
They've tied up rush-hour traffic
spend. Liberal. Neo-con.
and caused airline delays.
Battleground states. Polls. Ann
Those of us who have been "fortu-
Coulter.. Winning the war without
nate" enough to see the presidential
winning the peace. Pundits.
candidates have been forced to park
Misleading the voters. Approve of
miles away from the venue, then are
this message. Likely voters.
shuttled to a security corridor where
Undecideds. Pathetic. Flailing.
the crowd is treated to scanning
Bungled. On message.
machines and body-cavity searches
Thank you, and Go, Red Sox!
before waiting to hear the "message
P.S. Welcome to the world,
Harry Kirsbaum's e-mail address is
Kelsey Faye — we'll try not to
hkirsbaum@thejevvishnews.com
screw it up. ❑

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