ONG HU4

FINE CHINESE DINING

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TRANSCENDING GRIEF

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'A wonderful adventure in fine dining" — Danny Raskin

Featuring Gourmet Oriental Cuisine

Excellent
Lunch
and
Dinner
Selections
7 Days
a Week
11 a.m.-
Midnight

, ) ' t r

27925 Orchard Lake Road, north of 12 Mile • Farmington Hills

248.489.2280

Open 7 Days
for Lunch
L.K, Dinner

Visit our 2nd Livonia location at:

37273 W. Six Mile Rd.

(in Newburgh Plaza)

(734) 464-5934

FEATURING AUTHENTIC CHINESE/ASIAN
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Expires 1 0/31 /04

Lei Ting

Szechuan Empire Restaurant

Szechuan Empire North

525 N. Main SL, Ste 150
Milford

29215 Five Mile Rd.
Livonia

39450 14 Mile Rd.

(corner of Haggerty
in the Newberry Square Plaza)

(248) 684-0321

(734) 458-7160

(248) 960-7666

(just N. of Commerce
in the Valley Plaza)

Dim Sum Available

Dim Sum & Sushi Bar Available

5

, 7630

ANQUET FACILITIES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

O

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ALL DINNERS INCLUDE: SALAD OR COLESLAW, .
POTATOES AND GARLIC BREAD
Exp. 10/31/04 424

24234 Orchard Lake Rd., N.E. corner of 10 Mile • 476-1377

West Side Carpet..
at East Side Prices

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20750 Hoover Road (3 miles south of 1-696)
Open Monday through Friday, 9 a.m. - 5 p.m.
and by appointment.
Call Mickey at 586-756-2400.

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mean that the goal of the shivah is to
have the mourner speak of his grief.
The goal of the visitor is to keep
quiet, to allow the mourner to break
his silence and speak about the grief
itself."
The reasoning, as he explains, is
not to expunge something, but
rather that every individual has a
need for a narrative to live by. After
the shivah period, after telling sever-
al times what happened to the
deceased and describing their rela-
tionship and the effects of the death,
the mourner has developed an
enduring story, which will help in
moving on.
Rabbi Lamm speaks in terms of
outcomes of grief, urging mourners
on to a positive course as they search
for a usable future. The process is
neither linear nor predictable, and
sometimes, therapeutic intervention
is necessary. He offers spiritual
strategies for rising above the pain
and renewing energies. The highest
outcome is transformation, when
grief ultimately drives creativity. Part
of the process is repenting, or doing
teshuvah, for any regrettable actions
toward the deceased.
"You can grow," he emphasizes.
"That is the point."
The book also offers helpful advice
for those who visit mourners, advis-
ing how to avoid what Rabbi Lamm
refers to as "benevolent blunders."
He explains that often people who
feel at a loss for words will mumble
some "arcane platitude" that might
even be hurtful. He encourages peo-
ple to use the simplest line, "May
God. comfort you," and also to ask
the question, "So tell me about your
father."
Although the book doesn't offer a
complete halachic guide as his earlier
book does, this new work also
includes detailed information and
interpretations of ritual behavior
related to mourning.
Rabbi Lamm explains that mourn-
ers are meant to sit shivah in the
house of the deceased, amidst the
person's belongings, although he rec-
ognizes that is not always possible.
As the rabbis understood, the spirit
still hovers in the place where the
person lived. For Rabbi Lamm, the
shivah is a temporary refuge for
mourners, a "spiritual sukkah of
healing."
"The elegant ritual of shivah," he
writes, "is ingeniously designed to
embrace not only the despair of
mourners but the emotional and
rational contradictions that are

endemic to bereavement as well:
denial and acceptance; solitude and
shared grieving; silence and talkative-
ness; crying out against fate yet justi-
fying God; and swinging wildly from
spiritual negation on the first day to
slowly realized spiritual affirmation
in the days and weeks to follow."
He explains the meaning and spiri-
tual possibilities inherent in the
Kaddish prayer, a vigorous declara-
tion of faith. "The iambic pentame-
ter of the poetry is mesmerizing," he
says. For many mourners who soon
recite the words by heart, the
Kaddish can be a place to continue
the conversation with the person no
longer present in life.
Rabbi Lamm served as rabbi for
many years of Beth Jacob
Congregation in Beverly Hills,
Calif., and as field director of mili-
tary chaplains, he traveled around
the world for the U.S. Department
of Defense with the civilian equiva-
lent of major general. Now a resident
of North Woodmere, Long Island,
he explains that this book is intend-
ed for Jews of all denominations,
and that non-Jews might benefit
from his approach as well.
On a communal level, Rabbi
Lamm explains that synagogues have
just recently concluded seven weeks
— from the Shabbat after Tisha b'Av
to Rosh Hashanah — of consolation
Haftorah readings drawn from the

Book of Isaiah.

"In the face of such tragic loss," he
writes, referring to the destruction of
the ancient temples and the exile of
the Jewish people, "Jewish tradition
directed the Jew to try to heal."
He explains that the seven chapters
of consolation from Isaiah corre-
spond to the seven-day shivah peri-
od. The arrangement of the readings
— out of chapter order — is said to
reflect the drama of consolation.
"The rabbis wisely positioned this
drama of consolation in the last
weeks of the religious year, thereby
linking the Jewish people's grief over
their national losses with the follow-
ing week's repentance on Rosh
HaShanah. Thus, the last Sabbath of
the old year enacts the people's tran-
scendence over their grief; the first of
the new year, the spiritual identifica-
tion with God Himself," he writes.
"This book is the best thing I've
done in my life," the 74-year-old
rabbi says, underlining best with his
voice. 'Absolutely. At this age, I
understand a subject I had written
about authoritatively 30 years ago." Il