Arts Life

Mixed Marriage

In a spate of recent books, couples navigate the choppy waters of interfaith relationships.

'Double Or Nothing'

Jewishly identified, rwo religions, secular
or no formal religion, overtly Christian
and
principled nontheists."
Author explores the impact
The author of several books including
of mixed marriage on Jews
Jewish. Life and American Culture and A
and Judaism.
Breath ofLifi: Feminism in the American
Jewish Community, Fishman points to
statistical studies showing that about half
SANDEE BRAWARSKY
of all marriages involv-
Special to the Jewish News
ing a Jew have been
marriages to non-Jews.
ort of Jewish,"
But unlike those Jews
"Jewish and some-
who
married non-Jews
thing else," "might
50
years
ago, those
as well be Jewish" are
intermarrying
today "do
some of the ways people
not
necessarily
have an
describe their Jewish
agenda
of
leaving
the
identity in Sylvia Barack
Jewish
community,"
she
Fishman's significant
writes.
And
unlike
earli-
new book probing the
er mixed marriages, in
religious character of
which
it was usually the
mixed-marriage house-
wife
who
was a
holds, Double or
Christian
and she often
AMILIES
AND
MIXED
MARR
Nothing. Jewish Families
converted,
"very few of
and Mixed Marriage
the non-Jews marrying
(Brandeis University
Jewish men and women
Will the blessing ofAmerican
Press; $24.95).
today convert into
openness cause Jewish culture
One of her findings
Judaism."
to be virtually loved out of exis-
that may be widely dis-
She asks, "Will the
tence in 2Ist-century America?
cussed relates to house-
blessings
of American
holds that mix Christian
openness
cause Jewish
and Jewish customs: She
culture
to
be
virtually
loved
out of exis-
finds data to support the "greatly dimin-
tence
in
21st-century
America?"
ished likelihood that children from these
Among the interrelated issues Fishman
households will unambiguously identi
looked
into was the process by which
as Jewish as adults," as she says in an
intermarried couples determine the reli-
interview from her office at Brandeis
gious character of their household, how
University. Fishman, a professor who
they talk about it and negotiate, the per-
directs the program in Contemporary
sonal
meaning of their choices, how they
Jewish Life and co-directs the Brandeis-
thought
about dating, the planning of
Hadassah Institute, recognizes that peo-
the
wedding,
the impact of having chil-
ple who condone the incorporation of
dren,
children's
views of their parents'
those practices will not like her findings.
religious
decisions
and how they con-
Double or Nothing is based on a study
struct their own identity.
Fishman conducted, sponsored by the
The findings she cites as major
American Jewish Committee. She ana-
include
the notion that many mixed
lyzes data from 254 interviews, conduct-
marriage
couples started talking about
ed between 1999 and 2000, with 68
how
they
would deal with religious dif-
mixed-married, 36 inmarried and 23
ferences
early
on, as soon as their dating
conversionary families in Denver, New
became
serious.
Before her study, she
Jersey, Atlanta and New England, along
notes, most observers assumed these
with focus groups with teens growing up
conversations took place much later.
in interfaith families.
Another finding is that during the
Much previous research in this field
marriage,
the Jewish spouse tends to be
has been quantitative studies and sur-
empathetic,
guilt-ridden about depriving
veys. As she writes, this is "one of the
the
Christian
spouse of his or her prac-
first systematic qualitative studies of the
tice.
"Sometimes,
the Jewish spouse
full range of mixed-family types:

S

7/30
2004

50

might volunteer to bring Christian holi-
days into the Jewish household." Also,
she points out that Jewish spouses and
their families are often very "reticent or
squeamish about pushing too hard
toward conversion," and that not push-
ing too hard can be read as not caring
about the issue by the non-Jewish
spouse. "Many said that if they were
asked, they might have considered it."
Another aspect Fishman thinks of as
groundbreaking is that many of the
non-Jewish spouses talked about their
attraction to Jewish culture and family
life, and were drawn to the image of a
Jewish home, full of warmth, passion
about ideas, argument, everyone know-
ing each other's business. "One of the
amusing things," she says, "is that social
patterns that seem unattractive to the
Jewish partner can seem attractive to
Christians."
She finds that a triple-pronged
approach can be effective in reinforcing
Jewish life for both inmarried and inter-
married families. The three prongs are
formal and informal Jewish education
over many years; the Jewish vitality of
the home, with lots of Jewish connec-
tions and parents passionately involved
in some aspect of Judaism, whether reli-
gious or cultural or Israel-related; and a
Jewish peer group for kids, particularly
teenagers. "This model adds up to more
than its parts," she says.
Interestingly, almost every person
interviewed expressed the sentiment that
he or she was not typical, but given the
pattern of responses, the individuals
interviewed had much in common with
each other.
The title uses a gambling metaphor to
highlight the question of whether inter-
marriage is, as some believe, a potential
net gain, creating more "Jewish" house-
holds: If the children raised in these
homes identified as Jews and went on to
create Jewish homes of their own, the
community would experience a popula-
tion increase. Others see intermarriage as
a diminishment of the community.
On the book jacket, a figure balances
a die tenuously on the tip of his finger.
As for her own opinion, Fishman hedges
her bets: She asserts that when house-
holds follow the three-pronged model,
the possibility of stable equilibrium

exists. "You're gambling with the Jewish
identity of children when you don't have
that model," she says.
Whether it's double or nothing
depends on "how we respond, whether
the American Jewish community will be
able to summon the communal will to
meet this challenge" — to create con-
nections for Jewish families to their own
Jewish heritage.
The book intersperses comments from
the respondents into the text, which
makes for interesting-, accessible reading-
and also humanizes these much-dis-
cussed issues. Fishman shows how inter-
faith families are depicted in American
literature, film and popular culture; she
also looks at the issue in Jewish societies
historically.
Are there policy implications? "I
believe very much in putting money and
brilliant minds and outstanding talents
to work in creating programming for
teenagers and young adults. These are
the critical, underserviced years," she
says. She'd like to see formal and infor-
mal programs provide positive peer
group experiences.
"It would make a difference. Nothing
is going to prevent intermarriage because
we live in an open society — and all of
us are intensely grateful that we live in
an open society," she says. But "we can
make a difference in the proportion of
Jews who marry non-Jews."
And, she adds, "we can give Jews the
tools they need in order to create
Jewishly vibrant households, regardless
of who they marry.
In the end, she emphasizes the
urgency of Jewish education and calls for
excellence in offerings — for children,
teens and adults. The author points to
studies that show that mixed-married
families who seek out Jewish education
are looking for intellectual and experien-
tial depth in their studies. She says that
inmarried, conversionary and intermar-
ried families all benefit from high quality
education — "one of the most effective
strategies for transmitting knowledge of
and attachment to Jewish civilizations
and their heritage to the next generation
of Jews"
In this age where intermarriage rates
are so high, why does she care so much?
"I have found the Jewish way of life to