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SAYING GOODBYE
Cover Story
from page 29
it and if you don't why don't you
be a gentle process — learning
know?' They want to know about
that death is simply the end of
souls and spirits and life after
living, an end we all reach one
Often, children dealing with death write their fears
death. They want to know 'if
day; or it can be part of a more
and
concerns, then discuss these in a meeting with Ira
Grandma is really watching me
personal experience, such as
Kaufman Chapel's David Techner. This is a compila-
right no like my mom says.'"
learning that a grandmother is
tion of comments he received from children:
Techner tells the children that
dying.
• I'm scared of when my Mommy dies.
his idea of the afterlife is remem-
Very few children will ask for
I'm scared of tigers.
bering the lost.
great details about the afterlife,
• What does heaven look like?
"I meet a boy named Jared, and
Rabbi Loss says. They're not
• I'm afraid that when my parents die
when I see him the next week I
looking for whether God sits
I won't have a family any more
say, 'Hi Jared!' I know Jared by
on a dark-blue chair in front of
• I'm worried that I won't be able
how he looks; that's the 'who' of
a mahogany table. They are
to breathe when I'm buried.
him.
likely to ask, "What happens
• What will happen to my soul when I die?
"What we do when we bury
when I die?"
• How do I know my soul will really go to heaven?
someone is bury the 'who' of him.
"Answer them by telling
Many children also like to leave notes in the coffins
The spirit or soul is the 'what' of
them what you [the parent]
of loved ones. Below is a recent letter, reproduced here
someone — what did that person
believe," Rabbi Loss says. You
as written, placed with a much-loved grandfather:
mean to us, and that 'what' stays
may
also want to look at some
•
•
•
•
with us, even though we can't
books together, then talk about
keep the physical."
them.
Children also want to know
Don't resort to ridiculous
Deotr 6reidpot:
what heaven looks like (they often
cliches that might sound good
picture heaven as a place, "like
lope yo tA 3o i-o keewevx 'AAA
at the outset but, on reflection,
West Bloomfield in the clouds,"
prove to be profoundly shallow -
Techner says), if-they will be with
see 001 OP yowl- , felifives
— not to mention perplexing
GOd when they die, and does
to children.
Judaism offer the specifics of
fried otAd, yaw,
meylitAo kot.
"Whatever you do, don't say,
death that other religions — with
`Grandma was so good that
their elaborate descriptions of
gill yoci, please levovi-d\ over me
God loved her so much He
winged cherubs and endless ban-
took her,'" Rabbi Loss says. A
quets — do?
etvidt all 'OP vAy - P;Atmily otAd some-
young child's likely next
With death, Techner says, "faith
thought will be, "Wow, I better
becomes challenged, it becomes
Joky I will 3o tkp
not be good, or I'll die."
keowevk akvtd
real.
Like David Techner, Rabbi
"We really have a tremendously
1-ken I will.)e wi+-k yoLA Poyevey.
Loss advocates parents includ-
rich tradition. We teach children
ing their children as much as
that we're here for a reason, for a
miss yotk so miAck otAel I love yoLk
possible in death's ceremonies
certain time, and that there is
— the funeral, the service — if
something beyond the grave,
wif-k 001 o tA,Ay keevri- -P-oyevey.
they so chose. "But before you
another existence.
bring them, let them know that
"Whether this [death] happens
I love yotA,
Mom and Dad might be crying,
when they're 4 or 14 may be the
but everything is OK.
first time they are actually looking
"If the child does want to
Retckel
at, examining, questioning their
come to the funeral, I encourage
faith. It becomes a very important
(wko is eme o4 y olk, ,Trotdchild,v-ev)
parents to bring a guardian, a
time in their lives, their first
good friend, along to help watch
opportunity to look at 'Who am I
the child. Often children, even
talking, we're involving kids in the
and what do I believe?' They learn that
very young ones, will participate for a
process, and that's a lot better than hav-
we have a pretty good belief system, a
long time, but you don't want the parent
ing a child see his grandparent taken in
comforting belief system."
worrying so much about how the child
an ambulance to the hospital, then he
Rabbi Harold Loss of Temple Israel in
is doing that he misses the funeral."
never comes back. It's like he just disap-
West Bloomfield says there are no
At the funeral, the family will stand
peared."
across-the-board answers to give to chil-
together. The rabbi will speak. It will
These boys and girls, the un-included, inevitably be a time of sadness. And
dren when it comes to the spiritual side
grow up. Now they're the parents and
of death. Each child's understanding of
while Judaism has no pat answers about
they want to speak openly with their
death will be as individual as he or she
the afterlife, some of the final words a
children. Rabbi Loss' first advice: "You
is.
family hears as their loved one is laid to
know your child. Respond to his ques-
A child's approach will be "based on
rest offer that most priceless commodity:
tions with answers you think he can
what he has seen in life, what's going on
hope. Hope for life everlasting, hope for
handle."
at the time, what he has experienced,
being reunited with God.
Rabbi Loss further counsels parents
what he's like. You just can't generalize
"Death is a process of life; its natural,"
that "every death is sad, but not every
when it comes to how a child will
Rabbi Loss says. "That is why at a funer-
death is tragic." Most deaths do not
respond."
al we say that we return the body to
involve violence or come about after a
"When I grew up, children were not
Earth, dust to dust. But the spark of
sudden catastrophe, and so in many
involved" in any aspect of death, Rabbi
God that's within each of us — that will
Loss says. "It was frightening. Now we're families death is part of a process. It can
return to God." ❑
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