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February 06, 2004 - Image 82

Resource type:
The Detroit Jewish News, 2004-02-06

Disclaimer: Computer generated plain text may have errors. Read more about this.

"Murder on The Franklin Express"

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Breast In Show

EIC Half-
In a perfect world,
we would have
moved on by now
But this is far
from a perfect world
KIRSBAUM and, as long as Janet's
JN Columnist " wardrobe malfunc-
tion" leads the news
and tops water-cooler
and lunchroom conversations every-
where, my two cents are as worthless as
everyone else's.
So there I am, sitting on a comfort-
able couch in the middle of a Super
Bowl party, smack dab in front of a 42-
inch plasma screen.
My attorney and a
few other adults are
on my right; two pre-
teen girls I've never
met are on my left.
They are intently
watching Justin
Timberlake and Janet
Jackson during half-
time. I'm multi-task-
ing — trying to con-
verse with my friends
while keeping an eye
peeled on the screen,
because plasma tele-
vision deserves a least
one eye on it at all
My optic nerve
sees an image my
brain doesn't quite
Half-time at the
"Did you just see
what I think just happened?" I ask my
She didn't, and neither did the other
I look to my left, but I'd feel very
uncomfortable asking the pre-teens if
Justin just pulled off Janet's top, so I
just walk away.
I'm not used to feeling uncomfort-
able — I'm used to making others feel
While the "conservatives" think this
is more proof of the moral decay of
today's society, and the "liberals" think
that only conservative football fans are
outraged, I tread somewhere in the
The Super Bowl is a quasi-family

event. Even though the half-time
events were under the direction of
MTV "executives," there was no rea-
sonable expectation to witness Janet
Jackson's bejeweled breast in front of a
couple of kids.
Besides, this is the first time I'm at a
Super Bowl party that includes kids,
and it'll probably be the last — it's too
hard to concentrate on the game when
no one else is paying attention.
I'm usually at home or at an estab-
lishment that provides adult beverages,
When the investigation concludes
and the fines-are doled out, Janet and
Justin will still be selling their CDs,
and MTV will be raking it in as an
"alternative" network, even though it is
owned by Viacom, one of the world's
largest media organ-
izations — and how
"alternative is that?
Reminded of
another year and
another Super Bowl,
I'm in a crowded
bar with some
During this half-
time show, I see the
bartender rushing
towards a drunk guy
with a pair of large
scissors while the
guy's equally drunk
girlfriend is shriek-
ing — never a good
While others are
still trying to figure
out what's going on,
I've already thrown
Super Bowl.
some money on the
bar to settle the tab
and my coat is halfway zipped up when
I realize that a fight has not broken out
and my "fight or flight reflex" isn't
This is what actually happened, and
I swear I'm not making this up:
The drunk asked his girlfriend for
some eye drops, but she mistakenly
dug a tube of Super Glue out of her
purse instead. The drunk missed his
eye, but melted his eyelashes together
and the bartender was cutting his eye-
lashes free so the drunk wouldn't have
to watch the second half like a pirate.
I like my Super Bowl recollections
memorable and funny, not memorable
and creepy like last Sunday. E

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