ivilege And Patience

A teacher, a psychologist and

a rabbi provide answers

on how Jewish parents can

best discipline their children.

ELIZABETH APPLEBAUM
AppleTree Editor

is

arenting is much like a
Dickens novel: it's the
best of times, and it can
almost be the worst of

times.
Nothing will challenge your
patience like your children run-
ning in and screaming ("Jason said
I'm an idiot!" "Did not!" "Did
too!" "I hate you!" "I hate you,
too!") when you've just sat down,
and you've got a migraine
headache after a very long day.
Screaming yourself might seem
the normal response. But don't.
"The first thing to keep in mind
about disciplining children is to
do it with love," says parent and
longtime teacher Lissie Rothstein
of Southfield.
"Then, and almost as impor-
tant, is to think about the conse-
quences of your own actions. How
will that discipline come out?

Does the punishment fit the
crime?"
Consider a child who takes a
piece of candy she wasn't supposed
to. "If you scream and yell about
that, how will it affect the child in
the long run?" Rothstein asks.
"Does that really get the mes-
sage across, or does it just show
something you don't want the
child to emulate?"
Rothstein, lead preschool/Head
Start teacher for Brady Elementary
School in Detroit, says discipline
is about "shaping a child." And
shaping requires a lot of explain-
ing.
Your best bet in disciplining is
to talk it out, Rothstein says.
"If the child is capable — and
most kids if they are verbal at all
are capable — begin by discussing
what the problem was. You can
say even to a very young child,
`Why do you think that happened
and how could we change it? How
can we make this better?'"

Rabbi Elimelech Silberberg of
the Bais Chabad Torah Center in
West Bloomfield also regards
parental discipline as the chance
to guide.
Instead of screaming or smack-
ing, discipline is "the opportunity
to help another person," he says.
In a sense, distance yourself
Don't react to your own insecuri-
ties ("I must really be doing a
lousy job raising my son. He never
does his homework and he's disre-
spectful to his teacher"). See your
child as a person "in need of
help," Rabbi Silberberg says.
That even turns discipline into
the chance to do a mitzvah, a
commandment from God.
In Chasidic tradition, a person
is born with two souls: an animal.
soul and a divine soul. Until a girl
is bat mitzvah, or a boy bar mitz-
vah, she or he likely is still con-
trolled by his animalistic soul,
Rabbi Silberberg says. "So by
nature, a child will be selfish. That

shouldn't be surprising."
To help a child develop his
divine soul, a parent should first
understand his own role: "It's a
privilege to bring up a child,"
Rabbi Silberberg says.
Judaism teaches that "you
should hug a child with your right
hand and push him away with
your left," Rabbi Silberberg says.
That is, love with all your
strength, and keep the rebukes at
bay.
Harsh anger should never be
used when a child misbehaves,
Rabbi Silberberg says. The Torah
teaches that one must exhibit self-
control, and screaming and yelling
is not self-control.
Of course, when a child misbe-
haves we must react, and it is
proper to say, "I am unhappy with
the way you are acting." But it is
not acceptable to hit or verbally
abuse a child.

PRIVILEGE on page 40

J"M

11/14

2003

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