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Candles And Mirror

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The rituals of the shivah house.

ELIZABETH APPLEBAUM

The Shivah Meal

Apple Tree Editor

At the shivah home, immediately
after the funeral, you're likely to see
a meal, called the Meal of
Condolence. Often, this consists of
hard-boiled eggs, bagels, and per-
haps oval-shaped rolls. They all
share one feature: they are round.
What makes these foods tradi-
tional features of the Meal of
Condolence? One interpretation is
that all these reflect the circle of life,
its continuity; another holds that
the egg has no mouth and thus
stands without words, much like
the mourner who can find no
words to speak of his grief
The Meal of Condolence has
been prepared specifically for a
family in mourning, so that they
should not be concerned about
food at such a tragic time. If you
visit a shivah home, it is extremely
rude to walk into the house expect-
ing to' be served — especially this
first meal, which comes soon after
the family has buried a loved one.
Another regular feature of shivah
homes is the stool, or another low
seat where the mourners will rest.
This is an ancient custom which
most rabbis trace to the Book of job.
Job endured many trials and in
his anguish, the text relates, he sat
"on the earth." We no longer sit
directly on the ground, of course,
but mourners do sit as close as pos-
sible to the earth by using a low
stool. Further, the rabbis stated that
the mourner must understand that
life will never again be the same (so

T

o the uneducated eye,
it must seem a curious
- collection: mirrors
covered with dark
cloths, candles, boiled eggs at a
table, stools. All are objects
found at a shivah home, a house
of mourning, and there are very
specific reasons for the presence
of each.
When you enter a home where
a family has recently lost some-
one the mood is — or should be
— somber. Your role as a visitor
is to try and comfort the family.
They may find some measure of
peace in speaking about their
lost loved one, or they may pre-
fer to say nothing at all. Just so
you're not left wondering which
would be most appropriate:
according to Halachah (Jewish
law) visitors to a shivah house
should not speak unless a
mourner initiates the conversa-
tion.
Further, while it should be
obvious that greetings like "How
are things?" or "So, when was
the last time you saw your sister
before she died?" are completely
inappropriate, they also are con-
trary to Jewish law. The Torah
relates how God said to Ezekiel,
"I sigh in silence." The rabbis
understood this to mean that
one should avoid everyday greet-
ings and thoughtless conversa-
tion at a shivah house.

during shivah he will not sit on a
chair of normal height), and being
lower than usual also helps a
mourner feel close to the earth
where a loved one now lies buried _ .
And please be sure not to stare at
the family when you see that they
are not wearing shoes. This is not
because they are feeling casual and
relaxed. Rather, they are following a
tradition holding that Jews should
not be concerned with enjoying the
pleasure and comfort that comes
with wearing leather shoes (which is
why Jews also avoid leather shoes
on certain holidays, like Yorrr
Kippur and Tisha b'Av).

4

4.

is your chance to
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Near the mourner you'll see a small
table on which sits a memorial can-
dle, a custom that has been around
for thousands of years; mention of
this can be found in Jewish litera-
ture from the 13th century.
In Judaism, the candle represents
the body and soul. The candle is
believed to "help" the soul of the
deceased as it journeys upward to
God.
Probably the custom which is
most observed to this day is that of
covering mirrors in a shivah home.
The most obvious purpose for this
is that one should not be concerned
with his appearance at a time like
shivah. But the rabbis offered other
reasons for this tradition, as well.
Some, for example, suggest that
the mirrors are covered primarily
because Halachah does not allow
Jews to pray in front of a mirror
(note that Jewish sanctuaries are
never adorned with mirrors). Since
most shivah homes regularly hold
prayer services, it would be a vio-
lation of Halachah to have mirrors
in the same place. ❑

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2/1
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