EDITOR'S NOTEBOOK

Dmee
your
Mitzvah/

Teachings To Party By

I t was a long time ago, but I fondly remember my
bar mitzvah celebration at Temple Israel, then in
Detroit's Palmer Park area.
My family hosted a Friday night dinner in the
temple's Leon Fram Hall for family and friends. We wel-
comed Shabbat by lighting the candles, blessing the
challah and wine, and embracing the beauty of the
moment. We then re-grouped in the sanctuary for Erev
Shabbat services and the bar mitzvah cer-
emony.
Celebrating before the service was
unusual at that time. It's not common
now; most families that host a pre-service
dinner at the synagogue still have a party,
too.
How families choose to mark this sig-
nificant religious milestone is their busi-
ROBERT A. ness, certainly. But I'm bothered when
the party is the showpiece and overshad-
S KLAR
ows
the service.
Editor
The party is meant to be a reception to
say "Mazel Tov!" to the bar or bat mitz-
vah and the family. In some eye-popping cases, however,
it has become a lavish production. In these instances,
invited guests may or may not make the services, but
you can bet they won't miss the party.
There's also the emotional matter of having a bar or
bat mitzvah early in your child's special year, then hav-
ing to watch as it becomes the standard for the 20 or
more b'nai mitzvah your child may end up attending.
Can you top this?" was never ordained at Mount Sinai.
It's a phenomenon we've sadly allowed to creep into our
lives. It has forced some to spend beyond their means so
they didn't disappoint their child, as if cost is a measure
of worth.

Helpful Hints

Against this unsettling backdrop, I found the Michigan
Board of Rabbis' newly adopted Bar and Bat Mitzvah
Guide to be uplifting. It "lovingly" offers reminders in
the wake of a growing concern "about some patterns in
our community, which have the capacity to diminish the
holiness of this important rite of passage." It's meant to
teach, not rebuke.
It comes about a month after the Agudath Israel of
America, the New York City-based coalition of fervently
Orthodox rabbis, adopted a tachanah, or formal guide-
line, to control the spiraling cost of wedding celebra-
tions within the Orthodox community.
Understandably, the Michigan Board of Rabbis took
great pains not to single out anyone or focus on one
party. But surely, what some parents, however unintend-
ed, have spent on b'nai mitzvah parties rivals the
amount spent on their children's Jewish education over
13 years, from preschool through 12th grade!
That's scary.
It means we, as a Jewish community, have given in to
assimilation's relentless pull more than we care to admit.
I suspect that our immigrant ancestors would shudder at

For related coverage: page 12

our priorities.
As I think back to the b'nai mitzvah in my family, I
wish we had taken the Michigan Board of Rabbis' advice
and scaled back the parties in favor of tzedakah projects
to mark the passage to adulthood and greater responsi-
bility. We would have chosen the projects as a family. Of
course, that's easy to say now; in the heat of party plan-
ning, it's tough to not try to keep up with peers.
Ultimately, if children don't continue to learn Jewishly
after their b'nai mitzvah, there's not much to celebrate any-
way. Jewish continuity — passing our heritage from one gen-
eration to the next — requires strong Jewish identity among
our children. To let teenagers quit learning on the cusp of
their most impressionable years all but assures they won't
develop what the rabbinical board calls "the spiritual and
intellectual skills necessary to lead a committed Jewish life."

True To Torah

Rabbi Paul Yedwab of Temple Israel in West Bloomfield is
vice president of the Bloomfield Township-based Michigan
Board of Rabbis, which represents Detroit Jewry's diversity in
Torah observance. Like he does, I think that our community's
b'nai mitzvah celebrations are "generally appropriate," but
that it's "a good idea to periodically remind people about
what is Jewishly required and what is simply popular culture."
It seems incongruous to honor the Torah at the bar or bat
mitzvah service, but seemingly ignore its message come the
party. "We encourage our families to use the meal following
their simchah to reinforce the Torah's values of holiness, mod-
esty and good deeds," the rabbis write in their guide — and
that makes perfect sense to me. Why not use the party to
announce a family tzedakah project, instead of the celebrant
reporting only on his or her community service project,
which is often synagogue-mandated to becoming a bar or bat
mitzvah?
As Karen Melaas, b'nai mitzvah
coordinator at Congregation Shir
Tikvah in Troy, put it in a thoughtful
letter to the Jewish New "What does
a Jew mean anymore? If nothing else,
it should mean returning to our roots.
We might think of getting back to the
joy of the tailor [the character Motel
in Fiddler on the Roof]."
The Michigan Board of Rabbis' Bar
and Bat Mitzvah Guide reflects the
Karen Melaas
rabbis' collective wisdom. But it was
Rabbi Daniel Nevins, in many ways a
visionary, who shepherded the guide
through the various stages of tweaking and who enlisted the
support of the Detroit Cantors Council.
President of the rabbinical board and a rabbi at Adat
Shalom Synagogue in Farmington Hills, he unwittingly
echoed Karen Melaas in telling the Jewish News: "Some
kids are incredibly stressed by the peer pressure of plan-
ning these parties — and that's not what they are about.
The goal is for children to celebrate assuming the responsi-
bilities for their Jewish education and identity."
Alarmingly, what Rabbi Nevins calls "a universal trend
in the Jewish world" toward larger and more lavish b'nai
mitzvah parties has begun to obscure that sacred goal. fl

Honor family and
friends on your
special occasion
with a gift
to JARC

A loving way to
celebrate a simcha

A meaningful way
to help people with
disabilities in our
community

• Use JARC place cards
which indicate your
support of JARC

• Present each guest
with an elegant
Home Sweet Home
tribute with your
unique message.

• Use household or
other useful items in
your centerpieces and
donate them to JARC.

• Ask your guests to
mark your simchas with
a contribution to JARC.

• Recognize your
honoree with a special
gift to a JARC home in
his or her name.

• Or your own idea —
we love to create
new opportunities!

To discuss how to
enhance the beauty of your
important day, call JARC at

248-538-6611

30301 Northwestern Hwy.
Suite 100
Farmington Hills, MI 48334
jarc@jarc.org

JARC Does It With Heart

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